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Published: April 11th 2012
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It was 5.35am when the Manager awoke a little groggily due to the sweet cheeping of what souded like a bloody Terydactal (sic) sitting on the ledge outside his window. He opened the curtains to be confronted by....darkness!
By 7.30 all the boys started to get moving as evidenced by the tinkling coming from the adjoining ensuite lavatory next door. Oh the joys of touring. So onto the first match day of the tour; but first breakfast. Continental followed by cooked, the head of the African Locust Committee phoned just after the boys had finished to see if they could have a few tips on how to make certain nothing was missed. This was then followed by the first game of throw the ball across the courtyard rugby....oh and try not to hit the nice Bentley parked in the car park below.
After breakfast we all met up and headed down to the Waterfront to get the Airmiles out of our legs. 3.2.1...the boys vanished, as thick as thieves stealing off into the throng, the management team went to discuss tactics over a couple of coffees before buying up electrolytes for the battle ahead. It was by now hal
past breakfast so only one thing to do, have some lunch. The Keymaster looked particularly natty whilst eating prawns with a polka square bib on. Still it was in red and white so could clearly be used as a substitute Gutra if the need arose. We knew immediately it would be needed when a random Gutra was left on the ground after the boys had separated. A quick gutra check revealed that Squeaky (Sami) was the culprit.
The Manager managed to go to the 'Out of Africa' shop and spend some funds on awards for the trip. First 'The play of the day' award a beautifully (well as beautifully as 40 rand will get you) carved lion. Then there was a Zulu shield for 'Tackle of the day' which was followed by the award for 'Pigz of the day' an authentic framed piece of Elephant Bullshit.
On arriving back at the hotel the Judges's bloomers had arrived and were being repacked into his holdall (with respledent NB on one end) by 2 exspert parachute packers. We gathered for a team meeting then headed off to get changed and ready for the battle ahead. The team looked resplendent in
their training shirt (Sponsored by Mets and Gatorade) carrying their red Serco bags containing all the after match paraphenalia. And so we arrived at Wynberg High School, what a beautiful spot, right under Table mountain's northern slopes surrounded by laarge oak and fir trees. We strolled to the top pitch, changed into our boots and readied for the action ahead. Everyone we walked pst was so blinking polite.... 'Sir, good afternoon; Sir, the pavillion is this way please have a wonderful day' (Note to self, instill some discipline in the Exiles boys'.)
We met in the changing room for a few last words and it was clear the boys were strung tighter than a Redneck's Bango but would we be facing deliverance? We ran onto the pitch as the blue hooped Wynberg team gathered for a pre-match huddle. The sun was setting in the east with a slight westerly breeze which would be in our faces in the first half on the soft pitch. And so the first game of the tour began, spot on time when Anthony the ref blew the whistle.
We guessed what we were going to face but were surprise d by the ferocity.
At the first ruck the Munch (Max) and the Missile (Elliot) held guard positions and then disappeared 5m backwards with horizontal bokkas attached to their chests. The opening exchanges were cagey as we struggled to gain ball at the breakdown. The first scrum was horrific, 'get lower' we all cried and the front row did immediately followed by 250kg of african beef collapsing on top of them.
Our defence was brilliant led by Sleepy (Mark) who put in tackle after tackle cutting the bokkas down. 5 minutes in the forwards won the ball and the backs went, an incisive move down the right started by Rocket led to Sleepy offloading the ball to Kermit who went over in the corner. The tricky conversion just drifted right but a great start. every time Yoko got the ball a foghorn went off 'run straight, run straight' boomed the Banker. 14 minutes in another stella move was finished off by Sleepy. We led 10-0 after 30 minutes of ferocious bruising rugby. Wynberg came back at us through the forwards and managed to get over to bring the score to 10-7. It took them about (no exaggeration) 20 plays on our goal line
and 5 minutes of the match to go over as foray after foray was snuffed out by immense tackles. One of the tackles by Yoko parked the recipient in Namibia. As legs tired the play started to break up and the Riddler got free to score under the posts. Rocket banged the conversion over but back came the Wynberg forwards and we were back at 17-12 where it stayed to the final whistle.
Our hosts provided a magnificent Brai, the boys did the locusts act again and onto the awards. Play of the Day: Kermit for the first try; Tackle of the Day: Sleepy for any one of 10; Pigz of the Day: went to the Judge for wearing the same underpants 2 days in a row. The final award (sponsored by Bare Essentials swimwear) went to Ears for losing his hoody. He looked resplendent in a red and white crop top bikini thingy. The bus journey home showed that we wouldn't be going on to top any Glee competitions anytime soon unless Choir gets his act together. After the Surgeons and Photographers rounds fixing battered bodies the boys collapsed in bed and the Management team went to discuss
tactics in the Slug and Lettuce.
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