Surprise! We got "Mary-ed"!


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September 5th 2007
Published: September 30th 2017
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Luggage of the Hong Kong ladies staying in the same guesthouse as us. Do all Asian women carry such large suitcases when they travel? Reminds me of two Asian girls I traveled with 2 years ago in Spain and Portugal ...
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So ... we decided to fake that we got married to trick a group of common friends that nagged us incessantly about hooking up on this trip. The story was that we got married in Girona, Spain, and that I surprised Mary with a honeymoon in Estonia. Today is the day that we begin to execute the final phase of the plan.

This was not an easy thing to pull off since it was a complicated situation. We had to convince everybody that we had been dating since the end of July (no sooner, because that wouldn't have agreed with real life events).

We knew that there would be doubters ... but we hoped that people would believe it because they appeared to wish it was true. About 3-4 weeks before the trip, we began to plant "seeds" of disinformation.

What types of seeds? Well, for instance I purposely showed up late for a dinner claiming that I had just been planning the trip with Mary. We alluded to lunches, emails, and phone calls that never happened. If Mary was asked to go to lunch, I told her to respond "Can't. I'm meeting Pat to plan the trip." And
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"Snore" candies - named in honour of Mary!
whenever we talked to the "victims" we would always make it seem like we had intimate knowledge of each others' lives and schedules.

We even went so far as to plant Mary's sweater at a gathering at my house just before the trip. And just days before leaving, I "confided" in Tri that Mary and I had been dating for almost a month. I made him swear to keep it a secret until we got back. Our hope was that even if they questioned the fake marriage, they would hear about the fake relationship. We knew that if they could believe the dating part, then perhaps believing the marriage part wouldn't be too much of a stretch for them.

But it didn't end there - we also recruited a number of helpers to send out prepared responses to everyone once the marriage email came out. The responses alluded to events in the past that people thought indicated something going on between Mary and I, and also confirmed their knowledge of us "dating" beforehand. We hoped that any doubts would be erased with all these other people seemingly having knowledge of something going on.

Our hope was that everybody would start talking
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Assorted ciders - I was in Heaven! These were truly the sweetest kisses.
to each other and comparing notes - this was our only chance to pull this joke off. Anyway, today was the day that the plan would really be set in motion.

A group of Hong Kong ladies stayed in the guest house last night. The Asian population of Kuressaare has exploded! It must be tough for them to travel in this part of the world with their limited English - my hat's off to them!

It was funny talking to them, because they felt bad and thought they had eaten all of our breakfast. But what actually happened is that we never had a chance to ask for our breakfast to be served earlier, so ours wasn't scheduled to come until after we left for the bus station.

A German couple that we've been running into was also on the mini-bus to Parnu. That tends to happen in these less-touristed parts of Europe. The mini-bus had almost no luggage storage so the Hong Kong ladies had some trouble with their huge suitcases. The aisle was packed with everybody's stuff.

On board the ferry - I had a breakfast of yogurt, a banana, a granola bar, and ... a
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Yup, I know it's early in the morning but don't people drink juice in the morning??? So what's wrong with cider in the morning??? Both are fruit-based drinks, after all.
cider. Mary-ism #12: "It tastes better than it smells!" Funny that she said that - that's what people say about me too! Mary-ism #13: She told me that she couldn't find my nuts. I hope she was referring to the macadamia nuts I have been carrying with me.

We arrived at the Netti Guest House in Parnu and were greeted by the friendly owner, Anni. We took some "honeymoon" photos in our suite before having lunch on the beach. Mary-ism #14: "Why did you take it out??? Put it BACK IN!!!" Hearing that was pretty flattering for me! What was she talking about? Chocolates I had removed from my bag. But I know what you all were thinking - that's a funnier version, isn't it? Embarrassed, she said "Why do these things come out of my mouth?"

And then ... Mary-ism #15: "I'm not putting THAT in my mouth!" But she did ... and enjoyed every bit of it ... I'm talking about the chocolate, of course! As I made fun of her, Mary-ism #16: "Don't make me laugh - I need to swallow still!" What can I say? Mary was on a roll today.

Mary Moment
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Beautiful beach - if only it wasn't so cold! Otherwise, it was a perfect spot for lunch. Sitting out here eating lunch reminded us of our first ever breakfast together in Spain, in Nerja. Except that we were missing two people, and it was about 15 degrees cooler!
#24: Mary told me that the highlight of Parnu so far has been "being in the room with you." Wow - thanks! Quite a compliment for a guy!

After relaxing on the beach for a bit, we went off to the Museum of New Art. On the way, we passed by a spa offering mud baths. You can pay extra for a medical exam. Hmmm ... it doesn't sound too safe ... perhaps the mud is radioactive from Soviet nuclear experiments??? Somebody call the X-Files, I think we have a story here!

Anyway, the Museum was actually pretty interesting and a nice place to spend some time. Then we went back to the city centre for a little shopping. We ran into that German couple again, while they were sitting outside having lunch. Including today's bus ride and the ride from Tallinn to Saaremaa, that's three times we have seen them.

We stopped at an art gallery - it's basically made-to-order art. You can even request colours to match your interiors. Is that still considered art? We arrived at the central market just as it was closing - a bit of a dud. But at least I was able
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Me, drinking ... uh ... another cider ... it was berry this time.
to grab a piece of chocolate cake from the bakery - sadly, it was nothing special.

We walked back to the main pedestrian shopping zone and grabbed a snack. Mary-ism #17: "Everything is so HUGE here!". Again, thanks for the compliment! Mary had her typical moment of bad luck - she saw a shot glass that she liked at a vendor's outdoor stall, but she decided to try and find one that she liked better. Of course, she didn't find a better one, and of course the stall was closed by the time we returned.

We went back to the guest house to get the sparkling wine and headed off to the beach. It was a little chilly, but well worth it to catch the beautiful sunset. After, we went to dinner but first stopped at the guest house to drop off the glasses, and before that, we stopped to get some water.

While waiting to pay, the customer in front of us kept yapping with the cashier. Not a big deal normally, but we REALLY had to go pee! We practically ran back to the guest house - but the key wouldn't fit! What gives? Somebody
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My yummy salmon soup. Chowder-like, with pickles and crunchy croutons.
help us! Turns out it was the wrong house! Mary called me a jackass as she ran by to the correct house. Luckily, neither of us lost containment.

Dinner was a good one tonight. For once, the portions were manageable and we didn't leave feeling over-stuffed. We were able to walk, not hobble, back to the guest house. It was a giggly walk since we were both a little tipsy. Stupid things were said and done by both of us.

I watched some music videos while Mary showered. I haven't seen any Enigma videos in ages - "Return to Innocence" was one of my faves back in high school. It reminded me of a time where I was young and idealistic (i.e. - my pre-30 days!) I rolled into bed soon after. It was a sad honeymoon night - though I had brought my finest lingerie to wear for Mary, she told me "Sorry dear, I have a headache tonight." Sigh ... fake marriage = fake wedding night ...


Additional photos below
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Mary's soup - I don't remember much about it, other than it was nowhere near as good as the Solyanka we had on our last night in Kuressaare.
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Mary's crappy curry chicken salad. Lettuce, pineapple, tomato, corn.
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My crappy sausage platter. The fries were crisp and nicely seasoned, but the sausages were more like hot dogs.
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Mary lounging on a bench, writhing seductively in the hopes that Fernando would come and carry her away from this loveless marriage of convenience.
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Us getting creative with the camera. It took us a number of tries to get a decent one, though this one still wasn't quite perfect. It was actually quite a bit warmer on the beach, with the sun reflecting off of the water and sand.
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A quiet moment for me, pondering the important things in life. The water wasn't that nice, but the sand was relatively soft and powdery.
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The fake wedding ring. We are truly evil! But evil comes at a price - 1 Euro for this lovely piece of jewelry!
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We actually rented a suite to stage our "honeymoon". This is the sparkling wine and roses that I romantically "surprised" Mary with. This was all a part of our elaborate joke. She later complained that she shouldn't have to pay for half of her roses and sparkling wine . I responded that I would have paid for them all if she were higher than 3rd on my list - ouch! The funny part was that the owner kept whispering to me about the flowers and sparkling wine, so that Mary wouldn't overhear anything. Little did she know that it was all part of an elaborate ruse.
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Mary seductively posing on the bed with the roses and sparkling wine.
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Me seductively posing, as well. Who looks sexier? It's ok if you don't want to admit that you find the rose in my mouth very erotic and intriguing ... they don't call me the "China Rose", for nothing ...
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Me carrying her over the threshold. We took this photo using a tri-pod and timer. The first attempt was aborted because as I ran over to Mary to lift her off the ground, she laughed and yelled "Don't touch me!!!", while slapping my hands away.
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Me carrying her to the honeymoon bed. By this time my arms were getting shaky (plus, it was getting difficult to contain our laughter).
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The clincher shot, with the fake wedding ring conveniently on display for all to see. Notice how Mary's hand is covered by mine? She told me that I wasn't worth the 1 Euro the ring would cost. So we just hid her hand.
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Giant fly that I killed in our room (one of two or three). It didn't die very easily, requiring a few smacks. Its dead carcass lay on the floor for hours because Mary refused to do her part and pick it up. What kind of marriage is this? Aren't we both supposed to do our part??? Wait a sec ... it's a fake marriage ... hee hee hee


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