Travelling to Europe without my boyfriend of 3 and a half years...

Right from the start I asked whether he wanted to join us, and he said that he'd meet us in Amsterdam, now that Contiki has being partially paid.

He's now putting his foot down about me wanting to take out a loan and get a casual job just for some extra cash on the side because he's going to be hearing about how poor and broke I'm going to be when I come back and when I'll be paying the loan back. He was at first not yelling just giving me advice how he doesn't want me to make the same mistake he did with a huge loan, but then as the argument got even more heated up, he started to bring up that the whole idea was just stupid.

He continued to complain that my money handling skills are shit, and that it was one of the main reasons why he doesn't want to marry me, because I'm going to 'bleed him dry'.

He said that how I'm going about it like taking out a loan and getting a 2nd job is something that a single person would do, he goes well if you’re going to Europe you can do it single because I don't want to be a part of it.

I've had my mum and dad give me their blessing, they know my financial situation but they have faith in me that it will work out, we're not going until June 2012 anything could happen.

I told him numerous times, that I'm going to SEE Europe, the drinking and the partying is not my priority, no BS, first time without parents, first time in Europe, and the whole idea of flirting with other guys didn't even cross my mind because I know what I'm like when I'm on a holiday without my boyfriend.

Think he's pretty much made his mind up, he's asking me whether I'm going to move out or not.

I'm 25, he's 28 - he's been telling me he doesn't want to get married but I do, so he kind of shocked me that he was bringing up our future and that this would jeopardise it.

For once, I actually don't know what to do...I'm just shocked about it all really. Reply to this

It's obviously really hard to comment on personal issues, especially when you only hear one side of the story! Nevertheless...

+1 on the above, and also - if this is something that you really want to do, you'll only have regrets (and probably a bit of resentment) if you don't go because of someone else's dissaproval. It's not the easiest realization to make but if you have such different views on travel (which can be pretty addictive) then maybe it's for the best?

At the end of the day, it's a really tough call and no one else can make it but you. How much do you want to go travelling? Reply to this

The price of freedom is self-reliance and always has been. If you want to be free to make your own decisions about your life you must be financially self-reliant.
From what I gather from your post you guys are living together and so from that I figure that the two of you are sharing expenses. I also see you mentioned that he is paying Contiki. I googled Contiki and found a Contiki tours. Is this a tour you took together? Are you obligated to him to pay back part of that? Are you “locked in” on a lease with him? Perhaps his real concern is getting “stiffed” on these items and not any great love for you. In any case if you guys break up you can be sure he will get over it emotionally fairly quickly but probably will never get over having been “stiffed” on money owed to him. I know people making over $250,000 a year still whining about $200 they loaned someone years ago and never got paid back. Sad.
Since you are not leaving till June 2012 and if you are not “locked in” on a lease you should look at either renting an apartment of your own or finding another preferably female roommate who is looking to share expenses. Don’t get locked into any lease or agreement longer than 6 months. Think outside the box and be more creative in how and where you can live cheaper. Don’t do what everyone else does. Doing what everyone else does is the most certain way to end up struggling financially all of your life.
Don’t waste anytime arguing with someone. If you have different fundamental financial beliefs about money or anything else at your ages no one is going to change their minds about anything. It will always be a point of contention.
Once you decide to be financially self-reliant everything becomes much easier in the long run if not at first.
Here is a suggestion of what to do financially in the next 6 months:
Move out to a smaller apartment or share lodging and expenses with a female but aim for a place of you own for later. Just because you have a place of your own doesn’t mean you can’t spend as much time as you want with someone else, just that you (and they) are aware you have other options. This makes a HUGE difference in their attitude.
I personally have an RV which I have lived in off and on and put in storage at about $45 a month when I am staying with someone else. But I don’t have to put up with any nonsense from anyone because I can move it out of storage and into an RV spot whenever I want. When I stay with someone I partially share expenses (not equally because after all it’s not my house and never will be). The RV comes in handy for seasonal storage of extra clothes, and for storing my stuff when I am travelling. And actually at one of my sister’s insistence I have the RV set up on her land for free at the moment.
When moving to your lodging take a critical eye at what you have and sell most of it or donate it to charity. If you haven’t used it in the last year get rid of it. Put any money from selling it in your travel fund.
When you go on your trip move your stuff to storage or maybe your parents will let you store some stuff at their place. Take another critical eye at what you really don’t need. If you haven’t used it in the last year get rid of it. Give it to charity, or sell it to a thrift shop.
Don’t even think about going in debt for anything. With 6 months to prepare you should be able to save up enough for your trip without going into debt. Avoid people who feel that it is acceptable to be in debt.
Start saving up a “travel fund” and add to it as much as you can each month plus any “found money” such as money from selling your stuff, income tax refunds, earnings from an extra part time job, gifts from others (tell others you don’t want any “thing” for Christmas but will accept money for your travel fund, or even better just let everyone know you will not participate in the gift giving part of Christmas and add the money you would have spent on Christmas to your travel fund. I skip the gift giving part of Christmas every year except for giving my Mother some money). Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of Christ anyway, and sharing time with family; not about presents.
Avoid friends whose only activities are shopping and eating out. Look for cheaper or free leisure alternatives.
Don’t shop except for what you really need….when you do shop always ask yourself if you will need the item while you are traveling. Also shop in thrift stores when possible and put part of the money saved into your travel fund. Eat out less and put part of the money saved in your travel fund. Set the thermostat a little lower and put part of the money saved into your travel fund. Go to museums etc on free days and put the savings in your travel fund. Read up on healthy eating, by mixing and matching vegetable proteins instead of animal proteins you can save a ton of money and eat much healthier. Avoid prepared foods. Put part of the money saved into your travel fund.
As much as possible let no one know about the money you have saved up. There are always those who seem to always believe they cannot save up an emergency fund but always seem to believe they can afford another payment a month. Avoid these people. They will want to “borrow” money to take care of their “emergency”. You will lose both money and friend as the saying goes.
You get my drift here…..always looked to save money and actually SAVE the difference to your travel fund.
Get books from the library or half price book stores (which are usually much less than half price) or thrift stores, and read up on places you want to visit. After reading them sell them back and put what you get to your travel fund. Get DVD’s on travel or movies free at the library. Put your change into a jar and periodically save it to your travel fund.
I could give you tons of info on how to save money but maybe I should write it up and post it on a forum post of its own.
The bottom line is do whatever it takes to get and stay debt free and then everything else becomes easy. I have found that 9 time out of 10 having the money on hand to buy something outright removes 95%!o(MISSING)f the temptation to get it. And when I do buy something cash, never having to pay any interest on anything has saved me a fortune in the long run.
I wouldn’t worry too much about your current relationship. You can be sure him and you both will get over it and once you start doing the things that matter to you people will come into your life that feel the same way as you do about things.
Never waste a moment of your life arguing with anyone about anything. No one ever really changes their mind. Not really.
But remember if you ever really want to be free you must be debt free.
And the reality of life is anytime you say yes to something you say no to something else. That’s just the way it is.



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Hey Everyone!

I just wanted to say, a big thank you to all of your helpful advice, I’ve never used a blog network before and I find the support is just amazing, so thank you!
I wanted to clear a couple of things up before proceeding into what’s happened…

1) In response to BNK …
Travelling to Europe has always been something that I’ve always wanted to do, but with the notion that it’s not cheap. Over the years I’ve been fortunate to travel with my parents to Japan, Fiji, Indonesia, Thailand, China, United States of America, Vietnam and Cambodia. Europe has always fascinated me and has so much to offer! However, while there is no present ring on my finger and there was talk that he never wanted to marry, I saw it as an opportunity that while I’m still technically a girlfriend and a de-facto, I do not have any commitments with my boyfriend should I be required to stay. I told him to come join us but due to his work he wouldn’t be able to. Before I depart for Europe I’m going to pay my 2 months of rent in advance and leave money behind for any utility bills that will come up so he’s not getting stiffed by me.

2) In response to Sojourner1208 William...
My boyfriend and I do share expenses; our utility bills and rent is always divided by 2, groceries, maintenance of the house and pets is evenly shared also.
My boyfriend isn’t paying for the trip, the loan will be under my name only, I never asked him for money towards it so I never gave him any pressure that he was responsible for me financially.

3) In response to Mel...
My boyfriend did express that it would be smarter to have saved up for Europe then go, so when I come back, I can take out that loan for a house instead...
He also mentioned that, if I had the money saved up for Europe that there would be no problem in the first place.

In conversation he asked me if I had known what happens on Contiki tours and their reputation is known for which I appreciate his concern but I reassured him that he’s got absolutely nothing to worry or stress about because I can honestly say this that my adrenalin is for Europe not for the partying, if I wanted to do that I would’ve broken up with him,
therefore that’s why I mentioned flirting with other guys is not going to happen. ..

Ok so the update...

So on Tuesday night he was moving out, it was over, nothing else was going to justify or change his mind, he made his mind up etc...

Wednesday I took the day off work, I was beside myself, I couldn’t stop crying. He came home for one of his breaks and said he wanted to chat, I had nothing to say, I couldn’t speak, he wanted to know how I felt about the situation, he then confessed that he had done some thinking and wanted to know what we should do in order to make this work so before throwing the towel in we can look back and say we really did give it a go.

I don’t want to bloody drain you all like your one of my girlfriends but how else can you formulate an opinion without knowing what’s happened right?

Long story short, he had done some thinking, done a 180, and we’re back together. He addressed and apologised about his remarks about my money handling abilities and Europe. He said that he is only looking out for me and he doesn’t want me to in a financial crisis. We agreed to make a couple of changes and comprises that will improve our relationship and harmony between each other.

I made it clear to him about my shock about his thinking which led him to changing his mind. I said that I can’t take the relationship seriously if you lead me on to think that everything is fine one day but the next it’s not, I said how do I know you’re not going to do this to me while I’m in Europe. So we covered a lot of aspects that will help us while I’m gone.

To add to my shock he also suggested that we actively look for a cheaper rental because I mentioned that rent was a contributing factor of me not being able to save or struggle to make ends meet, he didn’t consider that during the fight, said it was my choice, my fault, even though he offered to assist but I refused the offer because I don’t want to be dependent on him, it’s not who I am. I can be dependent on a bank but not my own boyfriend; I don’t want to lose my independence or ability to do things on my own. Just so you all knew, the rent was $1090 EACH per month and I’m just under $50 k per yr.

I have a friend who is a property manager and he mentioned to have a look on their website and we found a 2 properties we were interested in. Call this coincidence, luck or meant to be but we have already been approved for another property and we have already given our 28 days notice to our current property manager. But what threw me was that out of the 2 properties; the one we wanted was already taken, but by the next morning my friend messaged me to tell me that it was available again due to the person changing their mind! We will be saving approx $300 per month each, which is a complete blessing, I will still get a 2nd job for Saturdays but anything helps at this stage.

So Europe is on the cards, I’ve gone ahead with the loan, my mum has offered financial help also, and my dad has mentioned a business trip to China next year which I’ve already asked if my boyfriend if he would like to come because he’s never been overseas let alone China.

FYI Europe Travel in 2012
Amsterdam
Berlin
London
Contiki Tour; London, Paris, Beaujolais Wine Region, Barcelona, French Riviera, Venice, Florence, Rome, Corfu, Athens, Mykonos, Santorini, Ios, Athens
Istanbul
Prague
Vienna
Milan
Split, we will do a Croatia sail for a week
Florence
Ibiza
Madrid
Portugal

I’m sorry for being so informative with details, but the support in here has been great and I thought you all had the right to know rather than presume.

I'm happy to continue to respond to any Comments, Questions and Advice... Reply to this

Hon, those who are suspicious are typically the offending ones. If he is not man enough to commit to you, what right does he have to say anything? Reply to this

Dear Wendy,
If your boyfriend was just concerned about living beyond your means, then that is a valid concern. William has some great advice about living within your means.

However, if based on past experience you have found that he has a controling personality and dictates to you who you can be friends with, where you go, even locally, is prone to jealousy, and otherwise indidcates insecurity in your relationship, then you have a much bigger issue.That kind of person is toxic. I hope that isn't the case.

I hope he takes you and your dad up on the offer to go to China. He has time to save up for the trip unless he is saving up for a diamond ring. Hopefully, we will catch the travel bug too.

I love your itinerary! Make sure you blog...with lots of pictures. Reply to this