Mary's Revelation: "I AM A DIRTY GIRL!!!"

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Geo: 59.4392, 24.7586

Knowing that she hadn't eaten dinner last night, I left a few granola bars on Mary's pillow before going to sleep. This morning, she told me she thought "What a great hostel! They leave food on your pillow!" She was a little disappointed when I explained that it was NOT the Estonian equivalent of a mint on the pillow.

Mary did a crazy thing last night - she slept with 4 guys!!! Of course, it was 4 guys all sleeping in separate bunks, but that's a minor detail that makes the story less interesting.

The hostel serves a good breakfast - toast, cereal, yogurt, ham, cheese, tomatoes, good jam, and juice/coffee/tea. They also had some powdery mix of grains that is supposed to be a traditional Estonian breakfast when mixed with yogurt. I never tried it - but one of the other guests remarked that it tasted like flour mixed with yogurt ... it didn't sound too appetizing.

We chatted with a couple from Berlin - they had just visited Saaremaa Island (our next destination). It didn't sound like they found it very exciting when they described it as just being an island of trees. They did give us some tips for areas to stay when we go to Berlin.

Off to do some laundry - there was a place conveniently located just down the street from the hostel. Unfortunately, they were swamped and couldn't have our laundry ready until Tuesday - not very good since we leave Tallinn on Monday morning. The lady was pretty friendly and did suggest another place we could try.

Unlucky Mary - just before leaving the hostel, she asked if she should put her dirty laundry in a backpack to cover it up. I said no, because it's just down the street. Well, it turned out that the other laundromat was quite a distance away - so Mary had to walk 20 minutes through the touristy (and packed) old town to get to the laundromat, all the while displaying her panties for all to see. Hordes of people were subjected to Mary's "Panty Parade".

We found the other laundromat and the laundry Nazis that were employed there. Pat and Mary Asian Circus-Sideshow Freak in the Baltics Moment #3: "NO MACHINE!!!" they barked at us, as they pointed to the bags of laundry on the floor, waiting to be cleaned. Ok ... what did this mean? Should we come back later? "NO MACHINE!!! NO MACHINE!!!" We finally got instructions to return at 7 AM tomorrow morning!

It was a terrible start to the day - they were so rude that I wondered if it was racism. But then they yelled "NO MACHINE FOR DIRTY GIRL LIKE YOU!!!" as we left. Apparently, they had heard about the Panty Parade on the news this morning.

We walked around Tallinn and finally found a place that could take our laundry. In total, it took us almost 1.5 hours to find a place! After returning our laundry to the hostel (giving Mary another chance to extend the Panty Party), we grabbed lunch at "Kompressor". It's one of the few places in town that isn't ultra-touristy, though it does still get quite a few tourists.

There were students hanging out here drinking ... milk?!?? It's funny - in most countries, people go out for a beer, but here they go out for a milk! Perhaps that's why Estonians are so tall?

Lunch was a great deal at 10 euros for the both of us, and we couldn't even finish it all. It was a day of happy pancakes for me, and happy panties for Mary!

Off to the photo museum - nowadays, I tend to find photo exhibits better than art museums. But today I didn't find that to be the case. It was more an assorted collection of old photos taken in Tallinn, than a collection of photos of important historical events. We browsed for a bit and then went to the Dominican monastery.

We had dinner at an ultra-tacky restaurant, but only after another experience with a rude person at our first choice of restaurants. What the heck? We tried avoiding the touristy places, but pretty much everything in the old town is tacky and reminiscent of all the bad parts of Prague that I despise.

I felt better after sampling the pear cider - wow!!! Light, refreshing, sweet ... kind of like Spanish hotties! Anyway, we were stuffed after. But the highlight of the meal was probably the waitress - quite possibly the cutest waitress in all of Estonia, and VERY probably the shortest waitress in all of Estonia (5'-4" isn't much in this land of giants!)

We took a quick walk around town - though it's known for nightlife, there isn't much to see or do in the old town if you're just walking around. That's why I like Spain so much - just walking around at night is fun and memorable there. But if you like strip joints, Tallinn is the place to be!

I had a very uncomfortable sleep tonight - I shrunk my sleeping shorts and they were pretty tight. Or perhaps as Mary predicted, my butt grew. Who knows ...

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Photos

a
Mary Moment #12: Mary walking around Tallinn with her big bag of panties, showing them to as many Estonians as she could.
People gawked. Some laughed. Parents could be seen rushing to cover the eyes of their children. A group of tourists from the UK howled "I guess we don't have to go to the strip joint tonight!!!"
She was the talk of the town. I suspect Estonians have never seen such a brazen display of exhibitionism ever before.
Like at the United Nations with its many colourful and unique flags flapping in the wind, so were Mary's undies in all their colourful glory. But the Estonians didn't pledge allegiance to these flags - they merely shrieked in horror and disbelief.
Seeing their reactions, Mary rubbed salt in the wound by proclaiming at the top of her lungs "I AM A DIRTY GIRL!!!"
This further traumatized the masses. A young boy held his little sister as she wept "Why? WHY? WHY??!?!" As she buried her face in her brother's shoulder to shield her innocent eyes he comforted her "It's OK little one ... I'll protect you ..."

b
Sweet function on the washing machine - I never knew that you could program a slut!

b2
We waited for our laundry at a nice little park perched atop a hill, and killed time by planning our time in Tallinn.
It was here that I heard about Mary Moments #13: Apparently it took her 5-10 minutes to figure out how to turn on the shower last night. And all that time I thought she was just enjoying an extra long shower!
And Mary Moment #14: Mary quite excitedly recounted her experience in the dorm room this morning. Nicholas, a Swiss guy, had stripped down into his banana sling in front of her. She commented on the size of Swiss "Toblerones".
I didn't think anything could ruin chocolate for me ... but Mary did just exactly that with her comment.

b3
Students dispensing coffee samples from their giant coffee "backpacks". Companies could probably increase productivity significantly if they had people like this walking around the office, pouring coffee directly down the throats of their employees.

b4
Mmmm ... giant Estonian pancakes. I had one stuffed with smoked chicken and feta cheese, and served with a delicious flavoured sour cream. Their liberal use of sour cream makes the Estonians my kind of people!
Mary had one filled with trout and cream cheese. There wasn't much trout and it definitely wasn't as good as mine.
I tried the local brew, A. Le Loq - decent.

b5
Funny sign - is it intended to warn people about purse snatchers? The funny thing is that while people were distracted reading the sign, it would be a perfect moment to snatch their bag.

b6
Though it's cold in the Baltics, people love sitting outdoors. Most patios have blankets laid out for customers to use. I declined use of the blankets and asked if they had any Spanish hotties who could keep me warm, instead.

d
Gimmicky way of making money at the Dominican monastery cloisters - you pay 3 Euros to imprint a coin (which you get to keep), and it grants lifetime access to the cloisters.
Of course, I figured it was still a good deal - I could turn it into a fridge magnet, and it would me much cheaper than buying something from a souvenir shop.

d1
Mary fired herself up to pound the sledgehammer by imagining she was bashing in my skull.

e
The cloisters of the Dominican monastery. A little disappointing.

f1
Mary Moment #15: Mary sat down and complained that she was sitting on something "hard and pointy". It took her about 5 minutes to slowly inch herself off because it apparently was a little painful to move.
As the true gentleman that I am, I was going to give her a hand - but I was too busy taking the picture and laughing.

g
What I didn't get was that she could have sat on this relatively smooth section, but chose to sit on the "hard and pointy" part ...

g1
Free hugs! Mary was a little hesitant at first, but why the heck not? Are we finally being accepted by Baltic people as non-freaks?

g2
I also couldn't resist - all my friends know how difficult it is for me to get hugs.
Though I do wish that it would've been an Estonian barbie doll instead of a guy, and even though you can't see it behind the sign, I wish that he didn't give my nipples such a hard tweak.

g3
Though tacky, Tallinn does have some nice spots.

g4
But of course, just around the corner from one of the nice spots are a bunch of tacky souvenir stands.

h
Tallinn's main town square. There is some nice architecture there, but it's usually overrun with tourists and full of tacky attractions (i.e. - the cheesy anatomy museum) and over-priced tourist-gouging restaurants.

h2
Up in the town hall's tower is one of the world's tallest toilet at 77 m.

j
Mary Moment #16: Estonia is truly the land of giants - with the high tables, Mary usually looked like a small child eating at the adults table. I offered to get her a phone book to sit on, but she declined.
Here is a shot of Mary taking a "time out" after refusing to eat her veggies. Bad girl ... I didn't let her have dessert tonight because of her misbehaviour.

j2
The menu - because of her small stature, Mary actually qualified for the "small citizens" meal at the bottom of the menu.
Mary-ism #9: Check out the duck w/ "cummin" potatoes. Mary thought these potatoes were seasoned with something other than cumin, the spice from Asia ...

n
Duck breast with a sweet berry sauce, and a side of potatoes. Decent and despite being pricey, at least the portions were huge.
I should note that the food was pricey for the Baltics and Eastern Europe, but it's still cheap by Calgary standards. There will be less tourist-gouging once we get out of Tallinn.

o
Smoked pork. Very flavourful, though the potatoes were a bit bland.

p
Though difficult to see, this is a tacky show put on by the staff, including swordfights and a damsel in distress.

y
Mary Moment #17: Mary entering a store named "Hoochi Mama". No explanation required.
We should take this moment to congratulate Mary - I think she's broken a record today for most Mary Moments in a single day.

z
Mary Moment #18: Not content with just breaking the record for most Mary Moments in a single day, Mary sought to obliterate it.
Did she pee herself or did she spill a bottle of water all over herself? You be the judge!
Mary Moment #19: This incident led to a revelation by Mary. Apparently, as she waited for me to use the bathroom in the Alicante bus station, she waited in a position where she could watch EVERY guy in there doing their thing.
I felt so violated ... and the obscure comment she made to me that day as I walked out of the bathroom finally made sense ... what did she say to me? "Geez, you really ARE Chinese, aren't you?"

Comments

[John]

That's the 'outer' part of the restaurant lol.