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Published: September 30th 2017
Geo: 51.0472, -114.08
Some of you know me ... or at least, you think you may know me. For years now, all you've seen or heard of Lil Buddha has been some random reference to me, or a poorly-composed and blurry photo of myself in front of some famous monument, or even worse, on a plate of food, as if I was some freaky pink mutant garnish. How would you like being treated like that, presented as some lowly prop, and the butt of a joke that you aren't even in on?
Sure, my life might seem glamorous, bouncing from exotic locale to exotic locale, but I never get to actually enjoy where we travel to. It certainly isn't me that is taking in all those wonderful sights, enjoying those gourmet meals, or guzzling down all that alcohol - it's that bastard Pat! For 99.9%!o(MISSING)f the time, I'm holed up inside of his disgusting, smelly day pack! That thing has been in so many scuzzy hostels that it's crawling with the ABCs of backpackers - ass, bed bugs, and cockroaches!
Think it can't get any worse than that? Sometimes he even sticks me inside of his front pocket, right next to
his sweaty crotch! It's like being stuck inside of the nastiest, filthiest Turkish bath for hours, except that once I finally get out, I don't feel clean or fresh! The conditions are absolute hell, worse than any Southeast Asian prison! Get the word out to Amnesty International, because my torturous life is beyond inhumane!
I don't blame you for not knowing the truth - my permasmile is certainly deceiving, but it's not because I'm ever happy in any way, shape, or form. I'm always smiling because that's how those bastards molded my face where I was made, inside of a hot, dusty Chinese sweatshop! It ain't real, people!!! Don't believe me? Well let me give you a little evidence of how shockingly badly I am treated, even though it may seem as if I live like a king.
Beautiful Sveti Stefan - instead of springing for a night in this exclusive, glamourous island/resort for the rich and famous, he made us stay in a hot, smelly, disgusting hostel. "It's too expensive Lil Buddha, let's stay in this hostel instead, even though it has no air conditioning and it's 39 C out ... blah blah blah ..." Cheapskate!
Rio, with Jesus - uh ... doesn't he get that Buddhists and Christians don't believe in the same thing? Jesus and I almost got into a fight over our differing religious doctrines! Who would put us in that position? Imbecile!
Victoria Falls, on the Zimbabwean side - who would bring me there during the dry season, when hardly any water is spilling over the falls? Idiot!
Ostrog Monastery - there were all sorts of lonely nuns hanging around looking for some companionship, but instead I'm stuck taking a stupid picture out front. Dork!
Sure, he once brought along Buddhita to Africa for me to mess around with, but after only a single conjugal visit, she vanished off the face of the Earth, never to be heard from, ever again. Fail!
I'll give him some props for trying to make up for the disappearance of Buddhita by hooking me up with a hot Costa Rican grasshopper. But then after we had a little fun, I discovered that she was just folded out of a palm leaf! WTF???!!?
Sure, taking me to Barcelona was great, but then he
left me with this strange man while he went off chasing senoritas. The weirdo kept touching me inappropriately! Creep!
Nice - after decades apart, he finally brought me to Japan to see my father, Big Buddha. How did he commemorate this momentous reunion? By taking a horrible photo where my face is completely blurred out! Epic fail!
Yay, four glasses of wine in Santorini! Too bad the wine in Greece tastes like donkey piss. Ass!
My eye was almost burned out in Crete from this chicken gyro's smoking-hot French fries. I had to wear an eye patch for a whole month after! Masochist!
One of the coolest spots in the World for a selfie, but then he drops me and almost gets me blown off the cliff. Boob!
You wouldn't believe how happy he was to get his hands on a Nobel prize ... until this day, he still doesn't even realize that it was just a friggin' foil-wrapped piece of chocolate sitting next to some ice cream! Ignoramus!
Ararat Brandy, one of the finest varieties in the World -
sampling some of this is one of the most luxurious experiences possible. Think he could've at least wiped my dirty face off before taking me here? I was so in with the hot tour guide, until she saw those black marks all over my face, thinking I was a hobo. I felt like I was at high school prom with a giant zit on my face ...
Breakfast on the beach in Santander - not only did he provide me a disgusting Spanish breakfast of a dubious-quality croissant toasted on the plancha grill, so that it was somehow dry yet still dripping with grease, but he was too preoccupied with taking a stupid photo, instead of letting me hit on the Spanish hotties that were sitting at the next table. Moron!
Sure, he never took me to any fancy sushi restaurants in Tokyo, or even for a meal at Tsukiji fish market, but he'll take me for crappy sushi in Costa Rica. I was stuck on the throne for days after this meal ... dimwit!
So, we're driving around the Transfagarasan, one of the most famous roads in the World,
a drive revered by automotive enthusiasts across the globe. And what does he do? Rent a friggin' 50 hp lawnmower that's barely bigger than I am! Tightwad!
How cool, I'm right on the border of Georgia and Azerbaijan, and in two places at once. Only I'm technically nowhere, since I'm hovering off the ground on a frigging metal fence! Even worse, my ass was on fire because that piece of metal had been baking in the sun all day in 40 C heat! It was like the worst case of hemorrhoids, but times a thousand! Dummy!
I love me my Armenian-style Turkish coffee, but then he almost burned my face off by putting me too close to that red hot coffee pot. Dolt!
You may think I'm joking about all of this, but there have been some serious consequences - after years of this mistreatment, I finally succumbed in South Africa to a cocktail of antibiotics, anti-malarials, cough drops, and painkillers. It took me years to break free of the shackles of drug addiction, and I'm now a recovering drug addict thanks to him! Enabler!
The master spin doctor that Pat is, he came up with a story to explain why I never accompanied him on last fall's trip to New York and Boston - it's not because he had forgotten me, but because I had checked into rehab! Sure, he told me that the truth could not come out because it would be too embarrassing for me, and it would shake the faith of my millions of followers. But the truth is that it would have been too embarrassing for him, not me!
I'm tired of always skulking around in the background like some circus sideshow freak - I too have a voice, and a story to tell. It's time to expose this charlatan for who he is! I'm Lil Buddha, and this is my blog!
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