Good evening Vietnam!

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So Hanoi quickly proved quite Hanoi-ing (lol... nah this joke has lost its former glorious lustre). A motorbike taxi took me a short way to a crappy overpriced hotel and had the audacity to complain I was being cheap (AND under claimed about what I actually gave him to the hotel people as Vietnamese and English was used in this convo and I can count in Vietnamese...) but I figured I'd stay there one night as I needed some sleep. RIGHT NOW.

Heaps upon loads of tourists clogging up MY touring time (basterds...) in Hanoi. I experienced ripoff after scam after time waste after moron and was pretty sick of the place within 12 hours. I did manage to find a good dude in a travel agency what also was a hotel and resolved to move in the morning. At the end of the night there was some further silver lining as I returned to the hotel and they offered me a beer. A good broken conversation later and they told me the beer was free of charge (30k) and offered another. Nice boys but I left the next morning regardless. I booked a trip, some temple, scenery, boat ride combo (yeah I was jaded enough already at this point to care less what it was called). Had some good conversation here and there with a New Zealand fella but was more amused by anything else on the tour with the goats than the temples or the food or the peoples. They're so freaky what with those vertical swirl slit pupils. Got on a boat with a young Korean nurse and was foot peddled down a 5km river or so and back. I went Apache style with the little oar (Apaches used canoes..? Historical factual accuracy... pffft... always annoying... hanoi-ing *chuckles* nope I was wrong, its still good) and contributed to our forward motion but it was likely I hindered as much as helped. I went back and hunted some more goats with my eyes. So not a great tour but hey *shrugs*... goats and canoes- how bad could it be?

Checked out some Vietnamese art in galleries and shops and whatnot. Some skilled work, particularly with the wooden board carving scenes but yeah, I didn't see much that was all that interesting- all rural life and war-related, which is fair enough considering, but the galleries in Australia, whilst suffering a larger glut of garbage, have a lot more cool, interesting and/or moving work. Perhaps its just i havent been here long enough compared or been to the right places but i doubt it. Maybe in time Vietnam will unlock this part of it's potential too.

Went to Ha Long Bay on a small 2 night tour. Met a pre-med student, a pro poker player, my Vietnamese guide, and three Danish girls. Proud to say I beat them all convincingly and repeatedly in a game the Danes introduced to us called "Asshole" where the aim is to lose all your cards before the other players and last to do so is called thus. I stood up after straight victory three and laughed pointing out the irony that the game lies and I am indeed an asshole! Then I swept my cape and flew off into the night (only to come back... I'd left my beer behind... how embarrassment). That day however we'd ploughed on out to a cave and had a splash about in a kayak. I'm getting better at all these driving/riding based things. Of course I was with a Viking girl studying anthropology but I reckon it was mostly all me providing the motor *flexes* as she'd left her cow horn helmet at home and, as everyone knows, this is the source of all their power. I even jumped in front of the rotator crank shaft thingy and pulled the anchor up as we left the kayaking (with maybe a little help from the Vietnamese sailors... maybe I will concede they helped a little... before pushing me out of the way to do the job properly). The next day we stopped at a place called "Monkey Island". My pants were well excited at the potential this name promised. Not that I molest monkeys ("hey there little fella... would you like a banana? A special banana *suggestive eyebrow raise* What?! Oh dear god no! He's peeling it!"). But I only saw one monkey. Oh yeah and continued my impromptu sailorhood by shoe removing and helping tourists off the little boat after I saw an older fella land badly and wetly. Soon I will be accredited I says. Six of us took off up the beach and one of the girls asked where we were sposed to go. I assured her it was ok and that I could read the signs of the bush. I then pointed out a white spray painted arrow on a rock pointing out the path. It was worth it.

The climb/hike was challenging and I banged myself up a little but three of us reached the summit together. I kinda wanted to beat my chest in victory but had already passed a little girl who had made the summit and two of the Danes were higher up than me so it kinda took the wind out of that sailboat. Still, cool view and more monkeys on the beach as consolation. Then off to Cat Ba Island for a night of bungalow resorting. Played soccer on the beach and saw a well impressive front flip heel kick goal between the futsal posts, ate food, drank, talked rubbish and regularly took my leave when people were too much. I'm pretty sure I received my full junior sailor cert after I noticed a few of the other sailors were pushing against another ship as we squeezed into Ha Long Bay dock and I leant my sizable size to help push. In calm waters, you can actually really push a big-ass boat but of course if it swells against you- no chance. There seemed to be no room for our boat but I'm pretty sure only one post was a little cracked on the other ship as well slid in and so from now on I should be addressed as a fine specimen of "Semen".

After returning to Hanoi I didn't really do much but walk about, drink too much, eat and watch movies (I know I know, tis a shame this world has been already well-mapped for what a fine explorer I am and what marvels could I uncover?). Did go visit Uncle Ho's museum and was swarmed by police when I politely weaved my way through a bush fence of sorts (no really, I was polite about it, I went mud style to avoid lettuce and only through a yielding branch) to take a photo of 7 hammer/sickle flags what were flapping just right for photo-based-awesomeness but at least three officers from different directions rushed at me with international-level-authority translating to "No photos yer basterd!" so I lowered the camera and slunk back through the shrubbery. I realized later it was the great man's mausoleum what i thought was about 500m away from that spot in a totally opposite direction and there is no photos allowed there. But I just wanted the flags. But probably a good thing I didn't. One thing about authority here, vigilant.

Uncle Ho's museum was not too bad. Maybe it's the propaganda talking but I can't help but like the man. I even bought a poster. Probably more interesting weird art stuff there than anywhere else I've seen in Vietnam. A motorbike tour guide picked me up from there and after some nonchalance-based-negotiation (I didn't care... and maybe the right mix of apathy and desire is key to all of life? Yeah? No? Damn I try to much with this philosophical foolishness... but what does it mean to try...? *strokes beard* ok I shutup) I agreed to visit the ethnology museum (didn't like- needed a knowledgable tour guide), a war museum (kinda cool), a lacquer-art workshop, and the remains of John McCains B-52 bomber for a very reasonable price (so I felt bad paying the little i did and probably overtipped the nice old gentleman).

Got onto a train for Sa Pa. Eventually. Nearly missed it due to some messabout exchanging my written voucher for an actual ticket. Had to run to the right carriage with the assistance of an older Vietnamese bloke who asked for a tip at the end of that pufftastic dash. I only had a single 10k and several 100k notes so I gave him 100. *sigh*. Maybe 1hr sleep thanks to the help of Valium vs constant banging sounds and my bad sleep cycle but I got there. A Vietnamese dude led me from the carriage to the minivan. I had been forewarned to look for my name on a sign but it wasn't there and I couldn't see the others I had caught the bus to the train with so I stupidly/dazedly followed him. They asked an older Japanese (?) guy for transport fee which he paid and then me. I said no, the tour had been paid for. They said a receipt would be given and reimbursed by the hotel. I refused and argued for 5 minutes with everyone else waiting. I apologised to my fellow passengers for the delay and said this reeked of a scam. I borrowed Mr Scams phone to call my travel agent but only had the hotel card the agency was connected to and the number was disconnected. I left the van and went back to the entrance to look for my name. I did see a "David Besun" and later calculated it was both a name order and spelling mistake but I returned to the scam bus fearing I would miss the rest of my tour that day if I didn't pay. They gave me a receipt for 500 vnd which I chased them to correct to 500k vnd and just knew the official looking paper probably said something like "this stupid foreign devil just gave us 500k. Please laugh at him when he shows you this. What an idiot." I fumed through the gorgeous views on the half hour way up to Sa Pa and took photos of the van and receipt and resolved not to let what was essentially a small ripoff ruin my day. I THEN read the back of the little card for the Sa Pa hotel location I was handed before boarding the train and it basically clearly warns against this bullshit. I don't expect much if any will be reimbursed but yeah, I will have a proper chat about this with my travel agent and will be wiser and even more trusting of my often good intuition that I don't listen to enough it seems just yet.

Breakfast was ok tasting, varied, nutritious and complete with good company. We then left on the first leg of the tour. Sa Pa town proper is basically is set out like this in terms of shops; Hotel, Restaurant, drink shop, massage, north face knockoffs, trinket chain, pub, hotel, restaurant, drink shop, massage, north face knockoffs, trinket chain ad nauseum. The path we took removed the hotels, pubs, massages and north face places and just became the other three with a focus on trinketry. Nice, colorful vivid trinketry but constant. However, the views of the rice paddies, the waterfalls, the animals, the freshness of the air and the light exercise made it it all quite positive. Made some friends along the way and quite enjoyed the day all in all. Basically slept through the afternoon after lunch and went a walking after dinner. Saw two Asian girls from my tour and finally exchanged names. They said I would probably forget their names but I assured them I have a system involving associating imagery that works mostly for this. Had a half hour foot massage and the masseuse girl's (probably 25... damn asians and their youthful beauty) little child (boy or girl- no idea) copied mummy a little while pounding or patting my leg which was quite funny. I tipped the masseuse a dollar for the child's valiant effort (am I now a supporter of child labour :/ ?) Went to a tourist pub and the two Asian girls came past and stopped in when they saw me. They asked if I remembered their names. I told them yes of course and for the first girl, called (phonetically) Eenis, I told them I had originally gone with the obvious imagery association.

They waited.

I told them.

They ran away.

Lol.

I had actually thought a little bit on replacing this association with something else like Venus the goddess statue or her being entwined with Venus Fly Traps which would've been, let's say, more appropriate than my immediate answer but oh well. I returned to my present company at the pub, shrugged, and said that in time, instances I would've found embarrassing years back, have no real affect these days. The second day was more of a trek. After the tarmac section, it was mud and clay making it not too bad an actual hike. Plus the distance helped with the exhaustion. There was a section after all the hills and rice and bamboo that was a concrete bridge leading to our village lunch. That was quite the contrast and my new giant Dutch friend was struck by it too. We sat for a boring lunch that was highlighted kinda by the sales team of children that surrounded our table. Wish I had recorded the overlapping chorus hovering about for five minutes chanting "buy something from me" as we sat for lunch as it was so sad and messed up, all pervading and kinda funny in it's absurdity and possible necessity. I did buy some small gifts for a pittance from one of the guides who'd hovered near me and helped me out (yeah I am a sucker, this is well established) but it is all good. Saw many beautiful rice paddies, cute piglets, non-plussed dogs, relaxing water buffalo and conformist ducks along the way to our overnight accommodation referred to as a homestay but in this experience at least, it was more a hostel.

Several groups met in this one place. I went for a walk and picked up some natural weaponry when I saw an overly tense large dog with an even larger buddy. Confrontation never occurred though and I climbed a smallish boulder to watch enclosured ducks quack, forage, shit on each other (projectile style) and bathe in a small waterfall for about half an hour. They were worried at first by my presence but 10 minutes later they couldn't give a quack. Two voluptuous dutch girls were staying at the place too. Beautiful but boring- although I found out later they were all of 19 so it figures. A local seller broke the tranquility before leaving and then I saw four more eyeing us off on their way home. One came into the outside area of the homestay and in my broken Vietnamese I told them no one wanted to buy anything more and no it wasn't ok, if they come back we weren't going to buy tomorrow. Surprisingly, my smiling harsh refusal to be badgered yet again worked (they were probably also sick of badgering). So there, so proud, standing up to an old downtrodden Vietnamese woman half my size (twice my strength and thrice my toughness no doubt). They were hesitant the next day to harrass at the homestay until one of the girls approached them. My "rudeness" maybe rippled.

Then a mostly French troupe arrived and we played cards and ate and drank. The frenchies introduced us to a card game based on partners, frantic card collection and deception. The deceiving part relied upon letting your partner know you had a full set of cards (four of any number or rank) so they could claim victory for you both before being called out by anyone else. The signal could be a word, a gesture, anything. I came up with the signal being victory-based-escalating prime numbers and my English friend played it brilliantly, constantly droning out random low numbers to throw them off. We did very well and would've done better were it not for the rice wine but walked away from it as, like most card games, it is a silly game after ten rounds or so. And we didn't tell them our sign despite the begging for the knowledge. Heh heh heh. Le resistance has gotten flabby in subterfuge after two generations merhaps :P

Slept well until the storm when I kept dreaming I was awake but then realizing I was dreaming that I was awake again only to realise I was dreaming and then for sure I was awake... but guess what? Wow... cool story hansel. The muddy clay made for slip sliding times and I managed to keep my footing without help but also bogged one shoe well and proper. My English card partner was understandably distracted by the pleasantly short-shorted-bum of the most gorgeous Dutch girl and hit the ground proper but only a little messy like. I laughed and helped him up answering his excuse that I know what he was distracted by (the magnificent scenery of course) 😊 It was quite challenging in sections that day but I learnt new skills in mountain-goating and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. We had two minute noodles with fried egg on top and were swarmed again. They sell really cool looking stuff but I am not a shopping kinda person so I mostly don't even look but I watch the girls looking and the walking shops don't leave if you look with any interest. Alas I bought a little doll gift too as I was zenning out over the landscape which basically ruined my alone time as more approached afterwards.

Nothing really interesting between then and getting back to Hanoi. Obnoxious folk on the bus made me glad of my own tour group lucky dip, felt well sick, met one of the Dutch girls from Ha Long who invited me to a decent western breakfast and cards (I won, consistently, I am not a nice man). Then resting and writing. Actually slept on the train last night for like five hours. A miracle? I think it is poor sleep cycles more than being in motion or strangers or sounds. Oh yeah, and I got to eat another Vietnamese Kebab. Sooo good- ungreasy kebab meat with chilli sauce, mayo, red cabbage, white cabbage, tomato, cucumber toasted together all in an eighth of a baguette. Now I have things to organise and prepare for Laos.

So I went wandering with a list to check off for my sorta last day in Vietnam for a while. Of course I completed half the list and replaced the other half with random shite. Saw possibly the worst shop to own right now in the day and age of mobile phones- a clock/wristwatch store... WHICH ALSO SELLS CALCULATORS! My unholy goodness! He should expand into the VHS rental business. But they probably make some money still. Also I accidentally found black shorts big enough what are light weight, quick-dry, pocket-zippered AND with some kind of basketball logo. A dodgy zippo vendor appeared and tried it on consistently for a higher price than Australia. I got it for a few dollars but it don't work all that great methinks. I had been looking for a very specific zippo and failed this quest but this is close. The sleeper bus to Laos was half the quality of the one I got from HCMC to Dalat- and the journey is three times as long; mathematically making this cramped, overcrowded necessity pretty poor. But I have Valium, an MP3 player and experience (but mostly i have Valium) and am as rested as any Vietnamese on there despite the minimal sleep. Managed to step on a face this morning trying to slip out in the dark for a pee. Pretty much one of the most offensive things you can do in Asia since the head is generally not to be touched and the feet generally not to touch or point at people. Had to play monkey and move with upper body strength swinging and lifting once I realised this- quite the challenge.

What do I make of Viet Nam? One word; Potential. They have great food, beauty in nature and people, an ability to fix anything quickly through connection and skill, a varied mindset like anywhere I guess, a strong family and business ethic, a mixed reaction to foreigners but cos history proves they need not fear them cos so much ability in war-capable people need not escalate as they are proven strong- the bad reactions are just mostly trying to fleece you, within reason, the reason being you make and spend the money so easily compared (for now). It is a paradise in the making and the next 10 years will make it more so or perhaps unfortunately but doubtfully turn it hell-ways with an influx of tourists and the money they bring. I am not separate from this. I would hope that a different, more unrestricted form of creativity will be melded with their other great qualities and feel Viet Nam and it's people will become very prosperous yet happy. But I talk rubbish as I still am an idealist. And on holidays.

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