Lone Rangers

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Geo: 38.7997, -107.719

Once or twice a year for the past few years I take a sojourn to the canyons of Utah. Solo trips, lasting anywhere from 4 days to 2 weeks. The Needles, Dark Canyon, Paria, Escalante, Muley Twist, Zion... A dozen times I have come across an arch or natural amphitheater or massive dryfall and thought "this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!". And then the next day I say the same thing. And the next. Hiking miles and miles through slot canyons is a fascinating mind bender: every turn, every wall, looks the same. But at the same time, each turn and wall is completely fresh and new and different.

I feel the same about Colorado. I have lived here over 5 years and have explored quite a bit of the state. But any time I go somewhere new, I have these same emotions and experiences. I felt this yesterday heading west out of Carbondale, past Mount Sopris, past Redstone and Marble, up and over McClure Pass, and down into the North Fork Valley, welcomed by the small town of Paonia.

I have seen mountains, but still pulled over again and again to take pictures or just spent some time looking. I have seen rivers and waterfalls, but was still full smiles as the road followed the riverbed. Places like this remind me of how green and lush Colorado can be. The short drive this morning from Paonia to Coaltrain Coffeehouse here in Hotchkiss felt like driving through California or Oregon.

Got into Paonia last evening and went straight to Revolution Brewery. Opened about 3 years ago by a friend of an old coworker. All of town must have been there! All 10 citizens. A quaint little building (an old church, apparently, which surely sent a few old time citizens to their graves prematurely), a Cheers feel, and, from the three beers I sampled, so mighty fine recipes!

Conversation was easy, but after a while I retrieved my guitar and headed to the patio area in the back. A group of 5 or 6 locals was sitting about 10 feet away, so I was playing somewhat quite as not to disturb them. After a few minutes, a pretty rough-looking character looks over at me and says, "Hey! Think you can play a little louder?" Ha! Awesome. I appreciate people who can appreciate simple, live music. I overheard them talk of a number of things, the most shocking a story from one guy who, as a kid, discovered a projector and some old reels in the attic. Being a pretty handy kid, he set it up and threw on a reel, only to find that it contained homemade porn of his father. That's just gotta be weird.

The evening was winding down and only two of us were left - myself, and a similar aged woman (young woman? what's the proper term these days?...) who was working on her laptop at a picnic table. "Whatcha workin on?" A grad student in Fort Collins, she is living in Hotchkiss for the summer, working on her thesis, a non-fiction piece. As soon as she said one of the elements was "home", we had ourselves a conversation.

We spoke of home and journeys, ego and self-definition, of loneliness and tribes. She said that is seems kind of shallow, for lack of a better word, that nowadays people leave where they were raised, leave their 'home', to wander and seek something better or different, that in a way it's kind of selfish (this was all merely observation and was not in any way judgmental or condescending). Just a few generations ago, and still for many people and much of the world, this type of behavior just wasn't possible. It seems that traveling and seeking and living a bit of the vagabond life is so much easier than it ever has been.

So what is it? Have people changed, so that more and more people feel like they need to find their place in the world, find their home, explore and bop around the world? Or is it that culture has changed and that things are now more available to people like her or myself so that we can venture out and experience these things? It made me think of what life would have been like if I were born into my grandfather's generation. Would I have been the same person? Would I have gotten to this point in my life and still had this unsettled part? Would I have just had to ignore it, buck up, and find a wife and a home? It would have been more difficult and likely less acceptable to go out on a venture, as I am in this generation. (if any "old" folks are reading this, I would love to hear your thoughts on this!)

Perhaps it was just to make us feel better about ourselves and our situations, but we agreed that there are people who are meant to be part of the crowd and have a big, close community and fit in everywhere they go, and that there are people who are just designed to be a little more...can't think of a better word...alone. "You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack."

Loneliness is always given such a negative connotation. Of course, it can be difficult and tear a person apart, but it can also be beautiful and healing, and forces a person to just see who they are and accept who they are and embrace who they are. Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche writes "it leads us to look for real substance and ask the important questions, beyond just believing what we've heard".

I started this entry with Utah, and it will end with Utah. The first time I went out there, a number of things were on my mind that I wanted to wrestle with and chew on and 'figure out'. I spend hours on the trails, having out-loud conversations with myself. After some time, I came to realize that all of the issues I was having had the same root, and that was that at some level (primarily in my mind, in my head), I did not like myself. As I took this further and further, I reached a new thought. "To be out here by myself. To be able to spend two weeks out in the desert with no one else, no one to spend time with, no one to distract myself with; to be able to spend to weeks with nobody but myself - I must, deep down, really love who I am."

I've gone back to that conclusion numerous times since then. It's still hard to hold on to. But my point was that without being alone, without being forced to "ask the important questions" and look for the real substance, I never would have learned that. Similarly, I have learned that it takes a strong person to be able to be alone.

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Photos

Driving toward Sopris
I always wonder how many accidents have been caused from taking photos like this...

Comments

[mikef]

-I saw this one...."Opened about 3 years ago by a friend of an old [disgruntled] coworker"Who could you possibly be talking about?

[normon66]

Just a hypothetical character I conjured up to compliment my story.

[Linda the Old one]

The Smith Valley folks were appalled every time someone chose to leave "The Valley", so there are still a lot of people with that "stay close" belief. I think wanderlust is a good thing. Our old hippie term was 'finding yourself' (kinda d
umb), but it was exactly what you are talking about. BUT, you need a home base - a place to come back to - a place for shelter when times are bad - a place for sharing when times are good! If no one ever left their comfort zone we would all be living in gigantic cities somewhere way, way east of here! (Including both of your great grandpas!!)

[Nancy Greenhalgh]

this is rather a heavy post. You are too young to be thinking about all of this. I guess I have to be the old person commenting. I think that your generation has a lot more opportuniites than previous generations and that is my only regret
in this world. I was born too early to take advantage of them. I wish that all people of all ages would think about "life" as much as you are. Our world would be a better place. I would love to have a beer with you and discuss some of that next time you are here.