A goanna
Big aussie lizard with sharp claws... these can grow up to 2metres in length, which is roughly one centremetre short of the height of Portsmouth legend Peter Crouch. But there the similarity ends. Goannas live off eggs, insects, mice and carrion. Crouch's diet is unknown by the author, but is likely to include pop-tarts, chickpeas, potato waffles and linguini arrabiata.