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Published: October 4th 2008
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Since being in Australia is about as culturally exotic as spending a weekend in Bluewater , we've decided to cut down on the blogging somewhat. I mean, you can get Bitter here, and they won't let you drink on the buses... which kind of detracts from the Indiana Jones spirit.
The one exception really is the critters. Australian animals are bonkers. If the loony Intelligent Design brigade were based here and not Rednecks-ville, America, they'd probably have concluded that Jesus T. God had been licking the backs of psychedelic toads (well surely he invented 'em for a reason, eh guys?) before he came up with the Duck Billed Platypus. Since leaving Sydney we've been lucky enough to spot a fair few trademarked Aussie critters. Witness:
* The Platypus himself: About 1/3rd of the size you'd expect, complete with a feather duster for a tail, the small fuzzy body of a mouldy chocolate log, and the cold hard eyes of a serial killer. Otherwise ridiculously cute!
* The Koala: Never have I seen an animal less convincing. Koala's are clearly cuddly toys stuck in trees to fool tourists. They even move like badly animated monsters from a Ray Harryhausen movie.
A goanna
Big aussie lizard with sharp claws... these can grow up to 2metres in length, which is roughly one centremetre short of the height of Portsmouth legend Peter Crouch. But there the similarity ends. Goannas live off eggs, insects, mice and carrion. Crouch's diet is unknown by the author, but is likely to include pop-tarts, chickpeas, potato waffles and linguini arrabiata. No I don't believe that nonsense about them being wacked out on eucalyptus.
* The 'Roo: I can't comment too much, as I've only ever spotted them at some distance, unless you count the carcasses along the side of the road.
* The Kookaburra: Clearly the scaling & aerodynamics is all wrong on these blighters. Nothing with a head that big could fly without an allocated seat number.
So where have we been?
Byron Bay
This was soooo long ago now, I can barely remember it, but the beach was nice, the surf was intimidatingly large, and there's a lovely photogenic lighthouse. It's a bit of a party town, by which I mean its chock full of brash Brits on the piss, making a nuisance of themselves. Nat was particularly
stoked (to use an Aussie-ism) to find a place where you could get your fairy portrait (!) painted... A poorly drawn watercolour, but with added pointy ears and pinky type wings.
Nimbin
Hippyvillle! We only spent a night here, but marvel at how time has stopped at 1969! Nobody here has washed since then, or got their haircut. The Nimbin countryside is
Dive! Dive!
This fight between a platypus and a turtle was about as ineffectual as you'd imagine beautiful however, full of rolling green hills, and we had a lovely yurt (basically a tent in hippyspeak) in the countryside.
Noosa
Noosa may be beautiful, but our hostel was not. We had the pleasure of staying in a jail cell that smelled of feet. Mind you, I'm guessing that actual jails smell of worse things than feet. Perhaps vomit, unwashed man pits, and human. So perhaps our hostel wasn't too bad. The Noosa beaches were gorgeous, there's a fantastic national park, and wild turkeys patrol the streets (but is it for benevolent or sinister purposes?)
Mackay, Australia
A slightly rubbish town, designed without either love, or thought for a 2nd story. The only real tourist draw here is the chance to spot the diminuitive Platypus in his native habitat. Lacking a car, we took a tour with an octagenarian tour guide, more used to giving people tours of the nearby sugar cane works. But who in their right mind would tour a sugar cane works?
Anyway, whenever anyone asked a question about the platypus, or his habitat, our guide would skillfully direct the question back to sugar cane and its harvest. "I dunno... Anyway,
the knife used to cut the sugar cane is called the cane knife..." You'd be amazed at the creative names they give things in the sugar cane industry. Witness the cane knife, cane trolley, cane basket and more.
Magnetic Island
Spendidly named (after Captain Cook's defective compass), and pretty pretty too. A bit like a Greek island, but with Koalas. We stayed in a tent, to compensate for the fact all our mates were at festivals. Much the same, but we were cleaner, and the ants were bigger and more vicious. Top tourist draw here: toad races.
Mission Beach
Mission Beach is one long sandy strip. There's nothing really here but tuns of the yellow stuff, a bit of rainforest, and plenty of man eating crocks. We had unseasonably horrendous weather while we were here... but we did get to do a couple of AMAZING reef dives. Definitely the best dive I've done in my short sub aquatic career. Lots of crazy coral and brightly coloured fishy folk.
Cairns
What a welcome... within two minutes of arrival we'd been heckled by not one but two separate groups of pissed up Aussie lads! Cairns sums
up Australia for me, it's shiny, it's hot, and there's nothing obviously wrong with it... and yet... Perhaps it's just all the Bon Jovi I keep hearing - that could put anyone off a place.
Sayonara, Australia!
Si
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