Wanted Dead or Alive !!

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December 5th 2013
Published: December 13th 2013
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The SquatterThe SquatterThe Squatter

Wanted Dead or Alive
Hi all,

Before you read to much further, please ask yourself this question.

(A) Have I just eaten, if you have then don’t read any further until you food has settled.

(B) Do I have a cast Iron stomach, (Then read on immediately).

Let’s go back about 10 months to start with, Caroline and I were on our favourite farm, Woodstock, beetling around as usual and bam, I have a fly, fly in to my ear and its intermittently buzzing and flapping its wings. It’s a horrible feeling, it makes you feel completely disoriented.

I ask Caroline to have a look and she peers in to the darkness, I was going to write that she could hear it buzzing, but I honestly cannot remember, I tell Helen who is always completely non-fazed, totally calm and able to deal with most farm crisis in an instant, and I believe she has had years of farm drama’s to hone her skills.

Helen advises me to rest my head on the kitchen counter with the ear, (Which the fly is in at the top) and I will pour some warm water in your ear and watch the fly swim to the top.

With my head positioned as instructed and Helen and Caroline, making smart arsed remarks, they poured the water in and waited,-


They pour some more water in and blow me they see this fly swimming to the top and hey presto job done, the fly had been made homeless and I am happy, the only casualty is a slightly wet tee shirt and a bit of ribbing on my behalf.

Now fast forwards to now, to a few Friday nights ago, I get in to bed and go straight to sleep, I wake from a deep slumber, with this huge buzzing in my head and this awful sensation. I put the light on and stick my index finger in to my right ear, and pull it out-nothing.

Here we go again, there is a critter in my ear!!.

I wake Caroline, she too was fast asleep!, she comes to and asks me what the matter is, I exclaim there is something I my ear and could I ask her to get some water, Caroline fetches a cup of water and I lay on the bed as she pours the water in to my ear, the buzzing stops after a while, but the creature does not come out , so we assume its dead, bugger!!

I wake the next morning and there is no dead creature on my pillow, but I can feel the water sloshing around in my ear and I don’t feel so bright.

We had a day planned, doing chores in the morning and the zoo in the afternoon, I really feel out of sorts so Caroline suggests that we go to the hospital and even though I try to resists she insists.

The hospital is full of people, moaning and groaning, some bloke walks in, who has just come off his motor bike and is moaning like a pork chop, strange really since he was riding his motor bike in shorts and thongs.

Any way the cue was massive, and even though I considered myself an emergency case, (As the critter could have been eating my brain) we went back and I said I would go to the doctors in the morning.

The rest of Sunday afternoon was taken up with me lying on the bed with Caroline doing the water treatment, or probing my ear cavity with a cotton but with some Vaseline on it, but the critter would not make an appearance,(Alive or Dead)

Next day, I drove to the doctors and waited in the cue until my name was called and I went in to see my doctor.

I explained to her what the problem was so she got her look through ear-lighty inspection lamp and peered in, her words were.

Blimey that’s massive and its really stinky in there, Oh deep joy I thought

She said I was her second patient of the day and though she loved her job, it nearly made her vomit.

Doctor X (Name with held to protect the innocent) said she need to go and get some forceps, so off she went.

On her return, she said this thing was really deep and I may need to go to an ear nose and throat specialist, if she was unsuccessful in the removal of the alien.

She started probing about and I heard her say, Bugger It, Iv’e only managed to get half of it out and said that she was going to pass me over to the nurse, so I I would go and wait in the seats over there, until the nurse is available.

The nurse opened the door and beckons me in, a British lady with a nice smile, she asks me to sit and has a look in my ear and also exclaim that this critter is pretty big and that they have a specialist piece of equipment that will do the trick.

The equipment sort of looks like an electric tooth brush without the bristles, and injecting warm water in to my lug hole flushes out the squatter.

The nurse puts it in a specimen jar and suggests that show my wife, what all the fuss was about.

Finally back sitting with the doctor, a grab my script for my antibiotics and I am on my way.

On collecting Caroline from the station, after all the pleasantries of the day, I offer her the specimen jar, with a strict warming about not removing the lid, it would seriously make you gag.

As soon as Caroline’s inspection was done the bug was deposited in the bin, thank goodness it was only a moth and not a spider


13th December 2013

Wanted Dead or alive
Next time try sitting in the dark and shining a torch near your ear and sometimes they crawl out to the light. I'm surprised it didn't go straight through and out the other side!!!
13th December 2013

OMG Andy
OMG, that can only happen to you!!! I didn't think you had very big ears but maybe that should be your nickname from here on in. Hopefully the horrible smell wasn't your brain decaying!!?? Get better soon, have a great Christmas and enjoy what sounds like a very hot summer over there! Love from us to you
14th December 2013

Pea Beu the room
Lee's advice is to spray the van/room prior to retiring. This may help the poor critters entering your head! Seriously, we hope all going well. Merry Christmas, hope you enjoy. Stay safe. Look forward to our next catch up. Love Lee & Dee xoxo

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