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Published: March 1st 2007
Humping in the Sun!
That bunch weighs approx 60kg, about the weight of your mum. Probably.I flew into Brisbane on the 28th January, and damn, was it a short sharp change from Asia! I soon got from the airport to the town centre on a train, but the prices were just nothing like what I was expecting. I knew it would be steeper than Asia, obviously, but not this much! Someone told me that the prices in ozzie dollars would be similar to british pounds (eg Mars bar = 40p = 40c) but the british pound is much stronger, thus stuff is cheaper. But hell no! Everything is pretty much the same price as it is in the UK. So some budgeting and job hunting was called for.
Anyway, the train fare from the airport to the centre was about $20 = 8 pounds, the same price as a nice little room in asia! (I will stop going on about Asia, but I do miss it so). I arrived into Brisbane in the baking heat, about 30 C I think. I found a hostel right over the road from the station, and since it was the only one in the centre it was a little more expensive than usual. I got a dorm room
Uwe
In bed, as usual for 8 people, which at least meant I could meet people easier. My number one priority was to find a job, which is what I'd always planned to do. There was a job finding help desk in my hostel, but the swines wanted $35 for it! Well, I decided I didnt need there help for $35, and besides, it was cheating a bit. So over the next four days I ploughed through the internet, went into recruitment agencies, and even bought a cheap phone to find a job. I was mainly looking for manual labour, cos I was sick of chuffin waiting on people and serving drinks to drunks back in England. While I was waiting for responses, I figured what better to do than get drunk? So I went for a bevvie with an old chap called Ron, who had confidence and got me chatting to pretty girls. Which is always nice. I had a few good nights out there, but the days were pretty dull (there is NOTHING to see in Brisbane! Really! Well, it was built by convicts I guess...) and I mainly walked around the high street and the beautiful roma street parkland. The sun was
scorching, mainly because a lot of the ozone layer is missing over Australia, resulting in sunburn within less than 30 minutes.
And still, I couldnt find a job! I moved to a different, cheaper hostel in an area called New Farm. I only stayed one night though as the gay receptionist guy was very unfriendly. Most places welcome you with a smile, especially gay people (a sweeping, but kind, generalisation), but this dude had an instant dislike towards me. The Homestead, it was called, was OK, but I was failing to meet like minded travellers as I had done over the last 2 months. So, screw this I thought, and upped sticks and got a flight for $139 (about 50 quid) up to Cairns.
Cairns I arrived late, about 1am, and was amazed to find all the hostels closed! After humping my pack around for an hour, I eventually found an open hotel that gave me phone numbers for hostels that might be open. And finally some luck! A place called Gilligans was open, and partying hard apparantly. A short walk later, I rounded a corner, and oh my god. Massive, luminous orange letters shone out and people
swarmed around the hostel cum pub cum nightclub! I had found my calling. I was welcomed by drunken girls that smiled cheekily, and kindly pointed out the reception area. The dude at reception was cheerful, and put me in a room with 5 others. Sweet! I was way too knackered for a beer, so I just headed up to bed, and left the light off so as not to wake the others. And damn, did I have a surprise in store for me the next morning...!
I was sharing a room with 5
girls!! I could not believe my luck!! Albeit, some were hot, and others not so, they were all very very nice, and to be honest I was pretty overwhelmed and, dare I say it, a bit shy. They were all Irish, and since this was a while a ago, I cant remember any of their names. Sorry. But anyway, we got on pretty well, and I was happy as larry! I spent 2 days on a new mission to find a job, applying at Forde recruitment agency, and asking about town. The internet named fruit picking jobs in Innesfail and Tully, just south of Cairns, but
it was early days and I didnt want to move yet. Cairns was a lot smaller than I expected, and very impersonal, like an American town. The streets were all perfectly laid out into 'blocks' like the US, and again there wasnt much to see. After a few nights out drinking with the girls, I decided to move again (Gilligans was quite expensive, $27 per night), to a place near by called Caravella 149. And this, THIS, is when the good times really began! A week or so late, but nevermind. I got a room with 3 good lads, Uwe (pronounced Uve), Rob, and an older dude whose name I forget. Uwe and Rob were German, and a right laugh! We got on really well, and the banter was non stop.
We were all looking for jobs, apart from the older guy who was cruising round Oz on his motorbike. Legend. The hostel included a free, but shit, meal at a nearby pub, but you could upgrade to a damned good meal for just $7. Uwe ended up getting a job here cleaning dishes for a measly $12 per hour, but it was more than me and Rob were
making. We also made friends with two girls called Laura and Sam, and a guy called Colin, who was, frankly, an idiot. I mean, he spent his whole time trying to get into poor Sams knickers.
One night we decided we couldnt afford to go out, so stayed in the hostel and bought booze from the local bottle shop. I had severly underestimated how much money to shop with (I had $10, about 4 quid), and had only one choice. Port. Only $8, strong, and quite a lot of it, I was cookin with gas. We played many a drinking games with and without cards until everyone was royally tanked. We went for a drunken swim in the pool, before a walk to the local playground, and eventually bed.
The weather was kinda crappy, as we were right at the edge of a cyclone, and it rained constantly. Nevertheless, we had good times. One night me and Rob bought a couple of beers, sat on a street corner, and watched the cricket in a nearby beer garden! The following day I decided it was high time I did some exercise. So, I donned my running gear, my MP3
Me and Rob after our first day
Not looking as knackered as we felt, and check out our trendy clothes! player, and went for an amazing run in the pouring rain. It was so liberating, and I felt a million times better afterwards! The guilt of not finding a job and getting pissed all the time was temporarily washed away. That night, I got pissed.
But it was a bloody good night. In a pub called the Woolshed, we drank pitchers, and watched a bizarre, exciting, and slightly unethical, goldfish race! The cheering and yelling was unbelievable! After that everyone got wasted and danced on the tables. Banter.
The following hangover was not banter however, and it was time to sort my life out. I talked to Rob, and we decided we would head down to Innisfail and try and find a job in the fields. Uwe was a lazy git, who spent all his time in bed outside of work, and decided that he didnt want to risk his fabulous $12 job by moving out just yet. Though he did moan that we were deserting him. Men. Me and Rob booked onto a coach for the next day, before heading over to the outdoor public swimming pool to enjoy the rare bit of sunshine we had.
That
night, we all headed to Gilligans for a last drunken night out. But it was a bit crap. The place was dead, but it had a pool table, and thats all I wanted. It was here that Colins true moronicness became clear. This following discussion is about pool rules, so if you dont care, you might want to skip this bit. Aka, if you're a girly girl. Colin the retard fouls by potting one of my balls, and leaves the white snookered behind one of his balls. But, obviously, he has fouled so I have a free ball for my first shot, so I hit his ball to lay up. But then "You just fouled! What are you doing? You cant do that! Rubbish, blarg, drivel, i'm an idiot" etc etc. I mean come on, who in there right mind doesnt understand, let alone play, this rule?! I calmly explained it to him, and by the end of his ignorant arguements I was so ready to hit him I thought it best to drop it.
Nevertheless, I had a laugh with the others, and we soon decided it best to do one home. We shook Colin off into the
Woolshed in his bid to find drunk girls, and the rest of us had a nice walk home.
Innisfail Me and Rob got up early, and it turned out Sam was leaving on the same bus with us! She was off down to Tully. And, we woke up to the most beautiful sunny day in Cairns yet, the first time it hadn't rained. Typical.
It was only an hour and a half ride to Innisfail, but at some point I lost my phone. But, fortunately, it didn't matter! As we got off the bus, a chap called George approached us telling us about his hostel, and that he actually guaranteed us work! Well, with the promise of TV, fridge, en suite shower and toilet, all in our dorm room, it seemed too good to be true. And, it was. At $135 it was a little more than we wanted to pay, and when we got there, it was a complete and utter dump. We had what was promised, but it was set in a shabby, dirty motel, with ants and cockroaches roaming freely in the portacabin kitchen. Still, it was a workers hostel after all, and we were
Kirk and Jo
From my new hostel. And he's friendlier than he looks. A bit. in good spirits with the job and all, so we gave it a try. Another upshot was we were in a dorm with two girls! The downside was, they were hangin. One went out of her way to burp and fart as loud as possible. Needless to say, they were english chavs. Still, they were quite a good laugh, and me and Rob were looking on the brightside of life.
First Day at Work! We had arrived on a Friday, and since we were both rather skint, we decided to start work the next day. Upon a backpackers recommendations, we headed down to the local charity shop for some workers clothes, which were going for $1 per item! Bargain. It was a right laugh, picking out oversized AC-DC and 'X-Generation Wrestling' t-shirts, along with some trousers which we cut down to size! Unfortunately, I got a bit carried away while trimming down some jeans, which now look like hotpants. Still, waste not want not!
In high spirits, we woke up at 4.45am the next morning, and made a complete racket trying to get ready as quietly as possible in the dark. We ate breakfast under the stars, and
put together our pack lunches. The minivan came to pick us and a few others up, and the sun rose on our drive to work. Well, we thought, this isnt too bad at all. We were apparantly going to be de-leafing, just taking the lower leaves off new banana trees. Piece of cake!
3 hours later, we were broken men. Any sense of optimism was long gone. Our backs ached, both hands were blistered and shredded, and the sun beat down relentlessly without an ounce of shade. It was about 30 degrees, and we were sweating buckets. No matter how much we drank, we never needed to pee. There was no way, no WAY, we were gonna do this for another 4 weeks. An irish guy we were with told this was one of the easiest jobs he'd done! No. Bloody. Way. Mike, our supervisor, thankfully gave us a fair few 5 minute breaks, probably hoping we wouldnt pass out. At 'smoko' (their word for the first proper break) we ate our much needed lunch. We pushed through the 12 o clock sun (directly overhead!), and finished the 10 acre field at about 2pm. What a bloody day. And
we had the same thing to look forward to tomorrow.
That evening we discovered what was to become the highlight of each and every day. 6 o clock Simpsons. Oh yes. We silenced the two female motormouths, crashed into bed, and relaxed. God bless the Simpsons. By about 7pm I was fast asleep, giving me plenty of rest for Day 2 of hell.
The second day turned out to be better. I managed to switch myself off from what I was doing, and the day passed quicker. Me and Rob were able to laugh at ourselves, and the crappy situation we were in. I developed some bizarre pleasure from slicing through the chunky leaf stems, and was soon blitzing through the rows of trees. I saw a huge Huntsman spider, and many a poisonous toad (the ones that if you lick the back of, you halucinate. Believe me, I was tempted). We still got blisters on blisters, but decided to just grin and bear it.
We returned back to our hostel exhausted, but wondering what the next day would bring. We were to start on a new farm, working 6-3, monday to friday. People told us horror
stories of 'humping' bananas, and that most people last one or two days at most. The guys that did it seemed to be built like professional athletes, and bigger guys than me said they couldnt hack it. Still, I was intrigued, and willing to give it a try.
The Hardest Day of my life And that is no exaggeration. Excuse my language, but I have never been so well and truely fucked in my whole life. I did indeed have to do humping, and it is NO WHERE near as fun as it sounds. Every second I wished I would pass out, break an arm, or die. From the second the first 60kg bunch hit my shoulder, I knew I was screwed. Basically, one guy, the cutter, finds a bunch that needs harvesting, and waves me over. He takes a wedge out the tree, and pulls the bunch down on to my shoulder (Writing off the tree). He then cuts the bunch away from the tree, and the full weight is upon me. I then have to carry the bunch over to the trailer. After just a few bunches, I was exhausted. That day, we did 7 trailers full
Sunrise
You have to be up at 5am to see it though! (each carrying about 50 bunches), and I must have humped about 140 bunches. After 5 trailers I was at my absolute physical limit. I can honestly say I have never been so physically exhausted in my whole life. I had nothing left to give, but Gavin (the boss) pushed us on. It was the longest, hardest day of my life. I got back to my hostel a shell of a man. Every muscle in my body ached, especially my shoulders. The next day we were going to have to do 12 trailers. No, friggin, way. I wanted to tell Gavin I couldnt do it, but I couldnt. I was too tired to talk it through with him. By the time the Simpsons started, I was fast asleep.
I woke up with a deep sinking feeling in my stomach. I had to force my breakfast down, and packed a huge lunch, bracing myself for the worst day of life. I prayed for something to stop me going. But no miracle came, and our lift arrived at 5.30am as usual. Gavin took me and Rob out to the banana tree fields on the trailer. I have to say, this was one
of the best parts of the day. We stood on the back, higher than the surrounding small trees, and watched the amazing sunrises. Every way we looked, all we could see was banana trees after banana trees.
Thankfully, my cutter, Bill, likes to have a chat every now and then, and meant I have more of a break between bunches. And the day wasnt as bad as expected. There is a definate technique to humping (in both senses, actually), and once you have it mastered, it isnt too bad. I pulled through all 12 twelve trailers by some miracle, but I was inevitably completely knackered again. The only reason I stuck it out, was the promise we wouldnt be doing it at all for the next 3 days.
And we didn't! It was replaced with almost-as-difficult, new slave labour! Well, variety is the spice of life I guess. For the next 2 days me and Bill worked under the blazing sun again, this time pulling the sprinkler piping out the soil which had washed over it. One foot over it. It was damned hard work, and we were so thirsty at the end of each row (we left
our water at the start), we drank the old water that came out the sprinklers at the end. So good. Then, on friday, another soul destroying day of de-leafing. By this time, by the way, Rob had taken all he could, and wussed out. He didnt work thursday or friday, and caught a bus to Cairns to fly to the west coast on saturday. It was gonna suck without him, at least we had a laugh at each other and put up with the monstrosities we shared a room with together. So, on Saturday, I decided it was time to move camp.
Week Numero Deux I told George, the hostel owner dude, that I was moving to a different hostel, 'Codge Lodge'. Now, I understood he had got me my job, and it was a delicate situation, but he took it suprisingly well. At last I thought, out of this hell hole! If I had to stay here, I wouldnt be able hack my job as well, and I needed a nicer place. So, I packed my bags, and trudged all the way accross town to the new hostel. I'd approached the owner earlier and she said it was
fine so long as George was happy (everyone knows everyone in this place, and they all have a small town mentality. aka, they don't think about the outside world, this is their world. Scary). So I arrived in high spirits, telling her that George was OK, and even offered to ring Gavin and tell him the new pick up point! But, alas, no. This George guy had rung up the new hostel and apparantly flipped out that she had stolen his backpacker and his business!?! I was beginning to think this guy was a bit of a psycho. Anyway, she wouldn't let me stay in these circumstances, so I went back to see the nut. A brief discussion later, and he informed me that he has a new place, right next door to Codge Lodge, that was clean, had a pool, and was a bit quieter. Same rent. Why the psycho didn't tell me this earlier when I was telling him why I was leaving, I don't know. So I moved into the 'Backpackers Retreat'. And finally, something was going my way. This place was amazin! Much smaller than the other place, and lots of normal people staying here too. I might just pull through this 4/5 weeks yet.
That night, I played drinking games with everyone there, and got tanked. I managed to learn everyones names (even the girls!) and had a great night! A few of us even went out to the only nightclub, and danced with the other seven people there! I nearly pulled too. Sweet. Although she turned out to be engaged, so not so sweet.
Sunday I recuperated with my new friends, and learnt the second best piece of news in the whole week... 3 swedish girls were moving in!! And, one was sharing a room with me! I had paid my dues, and now I was reaping the rewards. p.s, there is only two beds in my room. Sweeter.
That day another guy called Dave turned up, and he started the next day on my farm. He was a good lad, and up for a bit of banter too. He took the first day of humping suprisingly well. Now, all sorts of things live in these bunches of bananas, but mainly, rats. Big, small, fat and thin, these hairy bastards are disgusting. Occasionally you get the bunch on your shoulder and one will come running out the end, over your hand and away like a furry bullet. On one occasion, Dave had loaded up his bunch and was walking over to the trailer and one shot out and went nose first into his eye!! He didn't half drop that bunch quick!!
It was a tough week as I had to hump for 3 days solid, rather than the usual two. On the third day, I saw the most random creature I would ever expect to see! Right there, in the middle of the paddock, miles and miles away from the nearest town, was a little kitten! I pointed it out to Bill, who didn't seem quite as surprised, or as happy, as I was. In fact he walked over, and was about to go and decapitate it with his machete. This cute little harmless kitten!! But Gavin said he should just leave it alone, they're more trouble than they're worth. I found out that domestic cats have run wild in parts, and these ferile kittens are ridden with disease and are a danger and an annoyance. Even so, I couldn't believe it when they told me that only a few weeks ago they'd put six in a bag and drowned them. I saw a whole new side to my employers that day.
On the friday it was crappy de-leafing again. This time it got even worse, cos we were doing it in torrential rain, amongst tonnes of weeds, and barefoot. To make matters worse, I got stung three bloody times by wasps! How unlucky can you get? Admittedly, the latter two were because I sliced straight through their nest, and I guess they kinda had the right to be a bit pissed off. Still, it hurt a LOT, little buggers. Apart from that it was a long, uneventful day.
That weekend, Dan and Dave decided they couldn't hack it anymore. They stayed the weekend (I mean, who would want to miss the partying?!) and then did one on the monday. The friday night was great. We played masses of drinking games outside with people from the other hostel, and I finished a box of 'goon' (cheap wine - 3 pounds for 4 litres!) before going for a late night swim with my new room mate. Ahem.
By the end of my second week, I'd also developed a case of Tinia. Also known as 'Trenchfoot' (from the war), it is a very painful infection from having constantly wet and chafed feet. But, being a typical guy, I thought, nah, it'll be alright, go away after a day or two. Today is now thursday, and I can barely walk to the shop. So, I've had to take the day off work. Which is a pain in the ass, because I've actually had a good week at work! The first two days were humping again, but yesterday I was chopping down trees with a machete! I felt so GRRR, and the satisfaction of felling a big tree that lands with a massive 'Thud!', AND getting paid for it, is amazing!! So now I've learnt my lesson, and have bought some cream to rub on it.
And that pretty much brings me up to date. After this week I'll be working until about my birthday (13th March), before heading up to Cairns and start my proper travelling down the east coast. The 'Play Hard' section of my trip! Living the dream!!
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daddio
non-member comment
"Oz Cops call off search for lost Brit"
You've not been abducted by aliens at least! I was about to call the Commissioner in Brisbane but seeing the spliff in the pic after your first day... just as well I didn't! Sounds great - i just hope there is a better savings strategy than Em managed so that all this is worthwhile for the 'play hard' part. Could do with a reply to my last e-mail, and a call wouldn't go amiss (+44 1604 780005) to sort out 1 or 2 details.