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Published: March 30th 2008
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matthew and me, my last morning
we'd have about a 40 minute conversation every morning like this. let me start off with this: i’m exhausted.in my heart, in my immune system, in my brain. i haven’t been away from matthew for more than a day in a long time. it was SO WEIRD not to be holding him last night. it really hit me around 9:30pm because that’s usually when he is pretty active; he baby-talks and smiles and is really lively before his bottle and sleeping...also, i think i took too much mucinex for my chest cough in a 24-hour period, so my chest, throat and nose are so dried out that it hurts to breathe! i wish i had elderberry syrup instead, but it was way too expensive for me to buy some in jamaica.
my dad’s best friend joe is following our road trip route online. he just texted my dad with some good places to eat along the way in wyoming, and he told us that the other route we were considering has blizzards. he wrote, "just get stina home safe." joe is like another dad to me.
last night, we went to ’atlanta bread’ for supper. at the end of the day, their bakery goods are half off, so my dad and brother chose some things and my choice was this huge loaf of pumpernickel with toasted sesame seeds on the outside. in the car, we have a couple boxes of girl scout cookies that my auntie gave to my dad when they met up in wisconsin the other day, so for breakfast, we had pumpernickel and thin mint sandwiches! i know i’ve had some of my friends try sourdough with dark chocolate before...these things are good and you should try them.
last night, my parents and i got in an argument over a misunderstanding i had about something and i was so hurt and they were so mad, and it just pushed me over the edge...see, when you’re in the moment, even if the moment lasts five months, it’s difficult to process or cry about what you see these kids going through so after arguing with my parents and venting to my brother at a rest stop, i began sobbing and i climbed into the back seat and made my dad put his book away so i could curl up in his lap and cry. i was crying so hard and a lot of different things went through my mind, but what came out most was, ’my baby, i want my baaaaaby’ and i tried not getting snot and tears all over my dad’s jacket sleeve, but i don’t think he really cared. actually, it took me so long to calm down
that i think he fell asleep. once i could breathe normal again, i thanked him for letting me cry on him and i climbed back into the front seat to listen to the playlist my brother and i made on my ipod. neal said, "that’s been on it’s way since you left jamaica, huh?" and i said, "yeah. really, more like since december."
i just really needed my dad i guess. and thankfully, a couple of friends texted me just before the crying, and it always helped to touch base with friends while i’ve been gone.
hmm que mas? i drove for about an hour just now. but my eye sockets are on fire so i couldn’t really keep my eyes open well enough to drive. i meant to drive at 5am and listen to missy higgins , but i fell asleep at 330am after making that plan in my mind and didn’t wake up until 730am because i’m so exhausted.
oh, and p.s. ever since illinois, i pretty much shiver uncontrollably every time i get out of the car. in jamaica, the coldest we had was low 50s at night, and we’d all bundle up...now i’m struggling with uncontrollable teeth chattering in low 30 degree weather! crazy.
I really miss Matthew. He was my charge for the last 2+ months and we went through a LOT...he was almost dead after waiting for almost a month in the hospital before they would do his bowel obstruction surgery, and being fed only 2 ounces of formula every 4-7 hours was literally killing him. Sometimes I'd show up by his hospital bed and just haunch over and sob, and call my mom and my friend Katie.
I'm driving with my dad and brother from the midwest to California right now. It recently dawned on me that all of the rest stops we've been to have had clean and tidy bathrooms! I thought that was kind of cool.
We have thin mints and tagalongs in the back window. I opened the box of tagalongs and the sun made them into melty, gooey perfectness. So we all ate one. They were too rich. I'm excited to get home and start eating mostly raw foods again. And to go running and do yoga all the time.
Music. I just discovered Carla Bruni. Beautiful sounds. I can't wait until I can afford to buy her album on itunes. I'm also excited to see some of my friends play their music in the coming months.
STINKING WOW! We are in Wyoming and it is just beautiful where we are right now.
I'm not exactly well enough to drive. I drove for maybe an hour in Nebraska but I'm just too exhausted and my system is all dried out from medication and lack of water and sleep the past week. [It's tough to get well hydrated again while road tripping on a time limit.
Well. Enough now.
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