CAMP IS OVER!!!!!!!!!

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Camp is over!!!!!

Well the brats are gone anyway, they left on the 13th, as did all the American counselors so it's been great the past couple of days. The pool staff and ropes staff have to stay until 20th because a football camp have came for a week, so there are about 20 of us, but we only have to work a couple of hours a day so it's great!

We all went out for a meal on the evening of the 13th and I handed over my ID really excited because I could actually legally serve me and then they refused, because Americans are stupid and put their dates of birth back to front so 12/08/87 means I'm not 21 until 8th December! They wouldn't listen either, I was so annoyed!! But anyway someone else bought loads of booze to sneak back into camp instead and I managed to get suitable drunk from 5 smirnoff ices - I was a lightweight before but this is ridiculous!

I'm escaping camp tonight because one of the few nice Americans are taking a few of us out to an outlet store, I'm tres excited I haven't been shopping in ages! All my camp clothes are really tatty and apparently everyone dresses well in Miami so it'll be muchly useful (I managed to persuade my kids that Primark was on the same level as Prada and Gucci and swap a few things though! Idiots!).

Got to go, will post soon though xxx

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Comments

[mum]

you mean Primark ISN'T designer label! I've been had! Glad you got one over on the Barbie brats, though. I can see a new trend for imported 'latest big label' from an 'exciting new British designer' starting up amongst the overindulged Sweeties! That's my girl - the Paton 'quirk' genes are truly alive and well in you! xxx

[Sue]

Hey... you could get into trouble ripping off kids, watch out no angry parents come after you! Amy's coming home soon yippee... have a great time in Miami, let me know when you're gonna be in Leics, when in the UK, and when back at Uni. I'll be in Leics the weekend of 20th Sept. I'll be working alot of Saturdays before that... So if you let me know ASAP I can book you flights to come to Glasgow for a bit if you can squeeze it in? Even a couple of days? Let me know...Excited about seeing my lil sis! Xx

[Alternate Amy]

I'm coming home
Hi Net Navigators, I've been SO sloppy with keeping you all up to date with my blog, so I'm going to admit I was held hostage by a bunch of 15year old High School Musical wannabees, who are convinced the UK is the size of Manhattan Island, and all UK residents are related to each other! Natch, we're all supposed to KNOW one another too, so they are under the impression that Simon Cowell is my Uncle, and I can sway him into getting them on the X Factor next time he's Stateside! The 14yr old kids in the next cabin have been lifesavers, throwing me the occasional bagel and cookie, in exchange for information on how to get onto 'America's got Talent', another of Uncle Simon's shows (though I didn't tell them farting Star Spangled Banner in harmony may be considered a bit OTT even by American standards). Three weeks they kept me locked up, so now I'm free, it'll take me another few days to scrape myself clean. A good outcome to this tragedy is I'm finally a size minus 0! Eat your heart out, Kylie! Love you all, Loyal Blogger loggers. Meet me with chocolate and chips!

[Alternate Amy]

Hooter Rootin and gun toting in the Wild West
Well,as the Authentic Amy, who has NO kids to care for now, hasn't bothered to blog, I'll make it up for her, again! Hooter rooting is a popular pastime here in the US of A. No matter whether you're a rich bitch or hick, it's one of their favourite hobbies! There we go, talking to the natives, in the TRUE english language, and they are Ssssoooo overwhelmed, the index finger goes directly to their nostrils! Walk through any high class shop, and the assistants, dressed in their cut price + 50% employee discount couture clothing, are leaning on the counters, rooting and inspecting - I mean, what DO they expect to find - Gold? Leaking brainfluid? As for gun toting, a magnum (not the ice cream bar) is as popular an accessory as a handbag! Even the traffic wardens wear them - though admittedly, they sure as Hell wouldn't get fast access to them for their overhanging bellies! Most of the kids in my dorm had their own handguns, and some even had Uzi machine guns, for getting rid of the eagle size mosquitos, and alsation size rats - YIP! That boast about everything in America being bigger IS true in SOME respects, and usually in the most horrible and unexpected ways. Supersize bugs, beasties and bums! Every mall has a plastic surgery shop where you can walk in and buy 34 triple x boobs, and 20" penile extensions! That makes your average Yank a great big Tosser! Well, travelfare fans, I'm off before this site gets shut down, seeing as it's Stateside sponsored (isn't everything nowadays), and hopefully, the Authentic Amy will log in soon, preferably prior to arriving back in the UK!

[Alternate Amy]

Hi intrepid travel fans! Authentic Amy is still busy in Pennsylvania, so I'm taking over again. Exciting it ain't, but it passes the time. Lets talk some more about the weird and wonderful habits of that strange creature - Americanasapiens! I can't say average at this stage, because there's no such thing! I mean, a country where 40% of women are a size zero, 42% are a size 30 and above - the remaining 18% yoyo in between!!! The one thing they all have in common, are dentists who are into tooth bleaching! On a sunny day, you can't actually see the facial features of these strange creatures, as the dazzle is truly blinding - bling on the hoof! Let's talk tanning now. Apart from your obvious racial shading, there is no such thing as a white person here - even during the winter seasons. They all seem to hit the 'Bahamian brown' on the 'Dial your perfect tan' machine! Then there are the 48% of women here who, regardless of body size, have breast implants,so you get these massive mammaries suspended above tree trunk brown legs, with neon white smiles walking towards you wherever you go - frightening for your average brit girl, who is a pale to the point of anaemic with 32b in her balconette! What is even more scary is, the American blokes are starting to look like their women! Tanned to a seriously overcooked look, pecs like DD cups, long flowing locks, or grecian 2000 perfection, wearing tight trousers to show off their prosthetically enhanced manhood! Well, enough idle chatter for today - until the next time I tune in and take over, or the Authentic Amy logs in, sees this rubbish, and hits the 'delete' or 'report this now' buttons!

[Alternate Amy]

Habits and habitats
Yet another day when the Authentic Amy's travels through the wild west have revealed a dearth of Cyber cafes and computer facilities! Modern, up to date USofA? Anyways, eager readers (counts if I log on twice daily and read my own updates), as you all know, Hurricane Fay is heading to the same general area as moi! Miami! Death and Destruction, Misery and Mayhem, and that's just getting off the greyhound buses. Why Miami? Well, sunshine and beach bronzed hunks in trunks, sipping margueritas while watching the atlantic roll onto the shore (though the Hurricane may make that 20 foot tsunami type rollers flooding those beachside cocktail bars and negating that statement - however, I'm not a wimp, and have wellies packed. There's also the remote chance of bumping into someone famous! I almost met Sly Stallone at Disneyworld when I was 9. However, the sight of my Starstruck Mum, with 3 kids in tow, yelling "Rambo, I loved your Rocky films" must have overwhelmed him, and he and his entourage took off. I do rather hope I bump into Johnnie Depp - he's ultra cool, and Vanessa Paradis must be past her sell by date now. The houses around there are supposed to be Architecture Heaven - which will be a relief after clapboard walls and corrugated roofing at camp. I will make sure to report on all, once I've found my way out of the coach station - SHIT, I believe I just saw skybound people outside, floating 8 foot off the ground - and WOW, was that Toto?