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Published: March 25th 2022
After flying well over a million miles in my business and leisure travel, I have seen my share of unusual behavior on the plane. Here are some, and I hope it does not gross you out. Probably the worst behavior I have ever experienced first hand was an air marshal sitting in First Class with us. He proceeded to tell the flight attendant and pilot he was an air marshal, showed his ID, and told them he was armed. He started drinking hard liquor as soon as we got airborne. The lovely flight attendant finally had to cut him off after three drinks, since he was drunk, making passes toward her, and barely able to speak. Can you imagine if we really needed him to perform his job on that flight? I am certain he was reported to the FAA or whomever oversees his job. On the other side of the equation, we were on an interisland, and thankfully short trip in Hawaii. A rather middle-aged lady started breast feeding her 7 year old daughter! Yes, it was strange, she plopped the goods out, the daughter grabbed on, and they proceeded to make a big show of it for the short flight. Airline rules allow this, despite the obvious nature of the event. It made everyone uncomfortable, but nothing could be done! On a flight to Denver, I was so happy to get a free upgrade to First Class on United. But as I sat there with my morning coffee and paper, the entire cabin began to smell. Six or seven guys boarded, took over the First Class section. I discreetly asked the flight attendant if I could move back to Coach. The smell of stale beer, urine, dope, and cigarette smoke was more than I could handle at 7am. As I deplaned in Denver, I asked the flight attendant who the guys were. None other than Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead!!! Then a few years ago, I came across a quick change artist in First Class. She boarded while dressed in street clothes. She proceeded to put on her flannel pajamas in her little pod. This included shedding undergarments, and makeup! It was quite a bizarre scene, but the flight attendants did not talk to her. All the men were staring, and the women were quite perplexed. She promptly went to sleep before food and beverage service, and woke up in London as if nothing happened. My buddy, Webb would love this! On par with the Grateful Dead story was a return trip from Costa Rica many years ago. We upgraded to First, and as we took off, the cabin filled with a noxious gas, often and commonly called a fart. It was an older lady sitting in the front seat by herself. I started fanning the air vigorously. Everyone started to laugh at me, until the gas hit their seats. The couple across from us covered themselves with blankets!!! The flight attendants were also trying to keep a straight face. Just when the air cleared, she let loose again, and it was even worse. Everyone is the First Class cabin was either laughing hysterically, or gasping for a clean breath! Finally, to everyone's great pleasure, the lady headed off to the toilet, several pounds lighter, I assume! If you can top these stories, be my guest and share!!!
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