Wedding Crasher

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Geo: 49.8868, -119.497

Through my countless lifetimes of hard living, I've had the good fortune of traveling everywhere there is to see in the world, so trust me - I know a beautiful place when I find one. For me, Kelowna and its surrounding area paint one of the loveliest landscapes you'll ever see; all those picturesque vineyards dotting the shores of Okanagan Lake are perfect locations for some wining and dining, my favourite activities whenever visiting the area - but not this time! I'm here to celebrate my boy's wedding!

Sadly, I wasn't actually invited to Pat's wedding, because the special bond that we share elicits an uncontrollable and inexplicable jealous rage in Benita. But rage be damned, as there's no way in hell I'm missing the party, so I crashed it! It's exactly what I needed, a welcome break from the recent stress of failing to find Buddhita in Vegas - my quest had been all consuming, and Kelowna was a necessary opportunity to clear my head, and refocus my efforts.




Since returning from Vegas, I'd been busy designing and planning to build Buddhita her dream house - taking a page out of the Field of Dreams playbook, I know that if I build it, she will come back to me, somehow, someway. It's the power of positive thinking, and was inspired by the life lead by the other JC - while I don't always see eye-to-eye theologically with him, he did teach me that carpentry is a good way of achieving mental clarity, and that it can only lead to good things in life.




Unfortunately, the best made plans rarely come to fruition, and the wedding crashing prep took away too much of both my attention and time, so I quickly abandoned the idea of building a house, and instead decided to buy Buddhita her house. Luckily for me, I was able to score a really good deal from a friend, on one that was already constructed! But I will have to do some carpentry work to replace that sign hanging above the door, so it's not as if I completely took the easy way out!







Anyway, back to the wedding - I was so overjoyed by the occasion, that I overlooked all of Benita's attempts at excluding me from the festivities. Sure, I wasn't allowed to take my place with the groomsmen at the rehearsal - but I still managed to be the official photographer!






But rather ingeniously, I later managed to sneak into this photo when Pat put his jacket on - I was inside the breast pocket the whole time, muahahaha!





Disappointingly, not only was I barred from sitting at the head table, but I wasn't even allowed to sit at any of the family or wedding party tables, either! I was stuck at the candy table! Of course, it wasn't all so bad, as this was the perfect spot to mack on any single ladies that came looking for a hit of Lil Buddha's sweet, sweet sugar!





One of the many advantages of my small proportions is being able to eat the cake before anyone else - I simply gnawed a little hole in the back, and started chomping away, tunneling up through the three different layers and flavours. And after, Pat was able to get a refund from the baker, claiming that mice had eaten their way up through the cake, muahahaha!









The night quickly devolved, with some kind of weird Chinese tradition of wiping dirty shoes on the groom's face, as some kind of bizarre blessing. Hopefully the blessing protects the subject from flesh eating disease, which is surely to be found on the bottom of that filthy shoe.






The scene was so repugnant, that this poor little baby couldn't even bear to look at the filthy shoe horror show, closing his eyes and looking away in disgust.






When everybody was distracted by the shoe show, I managed to claim my rightful place at the head table and take a selfie! And the proof is Pat's pervy old man professor glasses and Motorola cell phone. Seriously, who buys a Motorola cell phone - Alexander Graham Bell???!!?






Strangely, a chiropractic session broke out in the middle of the wedding reception. I think it was Pat's way of paying for the wedding, as I heard him discreetly tell people he would crack their backs for $53.88, with no GST or PST tacked on, if paid in cash.









The wedding lasted from early to late, going on and on ... it even went so late that you could actually see day breaking as the morning sun began to sweep across the sky!








With the low oil prices, Pat had to shave the wedding's electricity bill by 25%!b(MISSING)uh bye, lit up letter 'L'!









The funky festivities continued - Pat looked like he was voraciously gnawing on a leg of Jamon Iberico, the way he was chewing on and drooling all over Benita's leg. And John? He looks like he's enjoying that spanking just a little bit too much. To top it all off, Long is mocking my piece sign - and it's not even the correct hand she's holding up, it's always my left!







Next, they put a fluorescent dog collar around this poor kid's neck, and made him hold on to a drool-soaked garter belt - hopefully, he's had his hepatitis vaccine already! And it seems to be cruel and unusual to subject an 8 year old to a garter toss - do they really expect him to get married so young?








Not only did I pull off a flawless wedding crash, but I managed the rare double - I crashed their mini-moon as well, following them down to Peachland! They wanted to get away from it all, but they couldn't get away from me! Muahahaha!







Of course, once there, I didn't actually get to enjoy Peachland - yet again, they used me as their photographer.









But it was all good, in the end - my little wedding crash in Kelowna rejuvenated me, renewing my drive to find Buddhita. Once again, I'm taking a positive approach - the only reason I downed two glasses of wine at Gray Monk's beautiful patio was to visualize the day that I will share a glass of wine with Buddhita once more ... and then down her glass too ...

Peace out,

Lil B

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