The Tale of Hansel and Gretel

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Once upon a time, in a land far far away from America, there was a little Filipino boy named Hansel* who enjoyed accompanying his mother to visit friends at her work. The women there would gush and pay all sorts of attention to the happy child, making him feel special. Hansel was tall for his age and had large chubby cheeks, perfect for women who loved babies.

However, there was an "engineer" named Samar**, tall with long dark hair and white skin. She loved fat babies and despite the ample cheeks on his young face, she was determined to fatten him up even more. Samar liked nothing more than pinching the cheeks of small children and his were not quite fat enough. In fact, that was the reason that he had come to fear her: his chubby cheeks would be pulled a little too taut when she pinched, causing him pain. In order to make him available to her pinching pleasure, Samar would offer him chocolates, cookies and crackers - anything to put just a little more into his cheeks. She had a soothing quiet voice and a quick laugh, with sweets readily available, but when he saw her, he would run. He could see through her ploys! He stopped coming with his mother for a time, hoping he would grow into his cheeks so they would be unpinchable.

In the meantime, Samar enjoyed visiting nearby malls where she would stand on the balcony while watching children of all shapes and sizes playing below. Her friends warned her that the parents and police would not like it, but she could not help herself: she just loved fat babies! But because Hansel had stopped coming, and mysteriously her coworkers stopped bringing their children to work, Samar had to find new ways to satisfy her urge to pinch.

She started with her coworker and friend, Gretel*, who often accompanied her to lunch or on outings to the kid friendly malls. After their light lunch, the two would often stop for doughnut balls or chocolate muffins. They liked to split them 50/50, which meant Samar would give about 2/3 to Gretel "because I like you." Soon after, a group including the two women went to a brunch, where Samar proceeded to attempt to pinch Gretel's cheeks to see if her plan was working. It was not working yet, but her secret was exposed.

One day, Hansel was walking through the perfectly manicured green lawns of the Dubai desert and came across a cute little bunny. The bunny seemed out of place among the fountains and low shrubs, like he was lost.

"Excuse me little boy, could you please tell me how to get to Oman? I hear there is a beautiful oasis there."

Hansel's mouth dropped in sudden surprise - a talking bunny!!! "Well, it is a long hop for a little bunny like you. Do you not like it here in this luscious garden?"

The bunny sighed, with air obtained from its own chubby cheeks, "I am trying to escape an evil witch named Samar. She has poked me with a sharp stick many times. Fortunately, she left the stick hanging out of my cage, so one night I was able to pick the lock and escape. I freed a turtle that she turned on its back, but he was too slow. I am afraid she could find me and I do not want to be poked anymore."

Hansel was even more astonished; he knew she was a witch and tried to tell his mother but she did not believe him. "Come little bunny. There was a nice woman where the witch worked and she will help us. First, she will get revenge on the witch. Then, she can drive you to Oman. I heard her say she loves it there."

Hansel picked up the bunny and made his way back thru the scary forest of skyscrapers, dodging fast evil cars with dark tinted eyes, and to the cave where the witch did her work. Gretel was hard at work, scrubbing the floors, dusting the shelves, washing the windows, cooking dinner. She also had only recently recovered from what can only be described as "the pretzel incident"... but she smiled at the sight of Hansel. Hansel pled with Gretel to help save himself and the bunny from the witch.

Gretel assured him she knew just the thing. "Don't worry Hansel. Don't worry little bunny friend. I will take Samar away today while you go hide in her study. When we return, you will be free!"

True to her word, when Gretel returned later with Samar, the witch was very sad. The naughty Kia had bit her thumb and thus, she was forever unable to pinch. Hansel and the bunny hopped around Samar, singing with joy, before leaving with Gretel, who had decided that she was tired of cleaning up other people's messes and wanted to retire in Oman as well. She dropped Hansel home and she and the bunny lived happily ever after.




*The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and to represent those with chubby cheeks everywhere.

**This story was provided to you with the permission of the not-so-evil witch.

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