The end of the trip ends in tourist hell

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And then I got ill.

And it got messy.

When I travelled round the world for three years back in the 90s one got used to the first topic of conversation being about your diarrhoea. No-one was immune and I picked up nasty things in Egypt and later in India. Other times it was just the trots, you drank plenty of water, took some rehydration sachets and it would go again. For a while.

But sometimes it hits you bad and this time was bad. I pretty much lay in bed for four days and part of our trip had to be cancelled as I just couldn’t get there....well it was a 13 ½ hour bus journey away...with no toilet on board....and only primitive squat loos when we did stop. Honestly, if you want to join the modern age get some proper toilets! And oi, Greece, yes you, sort your drains out....I can’t stand having to put my dirty loo roll in a bin full of other peoples’ pooey paper. And you’re not entirely free of primitive loos either so wipe (sic) that smirk off your face.

Bank to travellers’ diarrhoea (or should that be traveller’s?) and a mention to Domenico Santilli-Centofanti. I travelled with Domenico for a time back in the 90s and then visited him and his partner in Melbourne at a later date. In summary he was (and hopefully still is) a gay Italian Australian and was a fun friend to travel with. The trains we travelled on in Zambia had toilets that got a bit smelly and he would stick bits of loo roll up his nose before he ventured in. However, he was the only traveller I ever met who suffered from constipation rather than diarrhoea....no matter how many ndizi (bananas) or unsafe (for me anyway!) local foods he ate he never seemed to get the trots. I’m not sure constipation is any better than having everything coming out but Domenico, you were unique! (and if you’re reading this do get in touch)

Right, where was I? Oh yeah, on the loo probably. But we were in a nice pension who let us stay for a couple of extra nights in the same room (Cave Life Pension in case you’re interested) and it was a cracking room built into the rock in Goreme. There are a lot worse places for me to break down!

Claire went to the pharmacy and got me some medicines but after 24 hours nothing was changing so I managed to get down to the pharmacy where he said I should see a doctor. He called one and said he would be there within the hour so, after sitting in a nearby cafe so I could use the loo, I was introduced to a pretty casual doctor. I was shepherded into a back room which was full of boxes and had an assortment of shoes over the floor. There was room on the couch though for me to be examined....and then injected before a new course of medicines, including antibiotics, was prescribed. I was told to try eating potatoes and cheese and the aforementioned cafe was asked to prepare some. And I did manage a little but it would be weeks before my appetite returned properly.

So what else did we do in Turkey? Well we visited some underground cities that were just amazing and had up to eight floors underground with only vents above. Amazing feats of engineering considering their age to construct such awesome labyrinths but they were also successful from protecting the residents from whoever was fighting overhead. And apparently there was a constant stream of people fighting overhead. I’d say at least the invention of TV and the internet cured that but we are currently off to war again so.....

We went on a balloon ride over Cappadoccia which was fantastic and well worth the seemingly hefty price tag. I’d never been in a hot air balloon before and this was definitely the place to break that duck with great scenery and also the fact that up to a hundred other balloons are up in the air with you makes for a wonderful experience and some pretty special photos. The bucket list is getting shorter and leaves me with a quandary as to where to go on holiday in 2016. I’m 50 that year so it should be somewhere special but I’ve been lucky enough to visit so many amazing places that I’m unsure where to go (that I can afford I must add) that I haven’t been before. Ideas on a postcard please...

We also went on a trip which included a visit to Mary’s house as in Mary Mother of Jesus. Whether you believed in the fact that she had lived here or not (and the story was quite tenuous to say the least) the house was dull and unimpressive. For the religious types of course that doesn’t matter and they are able to leave prayers and light a candle so their needs are catered for. The cynic in me reckons the prayers are binned each day to make room for more and the candles are recycled but what do I know...

And so I was getting better and we needed to move on so we booked a different overnight bus trip (this one 14 ½ hours!) to Bodrum. I managed to avoid needing to defecate for the whole trip which was nice and only used the urinals once as you had to pay....the equivalent of our motorway services and you have to pay to use the toilet! At each stop I had at least one ice lolly as I was surviving on them at that point...and they were nice and cheap as well. I think I actually managed to sleep on the bus as well which is unusual for me given I’m tall and bus and aeroplane manufacturers have no concept of this.

And so we arrived in Bodrum which is a tourist hell, okay so it’s not all high rise hotels but it is street after street of tourist tat, tourist bars and tourist restaurants. There’s a castle but I’d been there years ago and we fancied doing something different, like a boat trip. The gulets along the front all seemed to do day trips but we found a captain who would take us out for two hours on our own private trip. It was great to cruise out and then swim in the sea on our own boat; and relax for a change.

The next morning we were up early to catch the ferry across to Kos as we were due at our friend’s wedding the day after. We were so glad we had made it as my illness made us think we possibly wouldn’t. The night before I had booked a car for us and this was picked up at the airport by a friendly chap who kindly lead us to our apartment.

We decided to use the rest of the day to explore the island and, if Bodrum was tourist hell, this was hell on an island. Any evidence of how people used to live here has gone and there was very little evidence of self-sustenance that is usually prevalent in places like this. There were very few olive groves, hardly any orange trees, very little evidence of anything growing....but lots of touristy things and very little to see.

I think people come here to go to the beaches and, if you like that sort of thing, I suppose Kos would do but only from up high does it look even remotely attractive and even then it needs the help of a sunset and adjacent islands to help out. There are quad bikes and dune buggies being driven badly all over the island by tourists desperately seeking something to do, somewhere that looks nice or a meal that costs less than £10. They’re probably still looking now....

The next day was the wedding and it started off with a beach ceremony followed by something we’d only found out about that morning. We were off on another boat trip! But this time we were on a pirate ship and there were cutlasses and a musket to wield so everyone was happy! We had a long swim in the sea as well while some of the adults attempted to ride a large inflatable unicorn....very unsuccessfully! We had a barbecue on board and a good trip was had as we headed back to a posh hotel to get ready for the evening meal. The hotel most guests were staying in was an all-inclusive jobby and definitely not our cup of tea but the shower was nice.

And then we headed up into the mountains to a restaurant that the new bride and groom had been to on a previous trip to Kos. Unfortunately they’d booked the wrong restaurant and we drove past that one as we headed further uphill to a completely different one! Luckily the food was fantastic and the view was pretty nice too....considering we were on Kos....

The next day we decided that if you can’t beat tourists you may as well join them and found a waterpark with some amazing slides (Aquatika in case you’re interested). We were the oldest people there without kids but what do we care! An evening horse ride finished off the holiday (well, almost) and we were up at stupid o’clock the next morning to brave Kos airport...

I wouldn’t know where to begin to say what a disorganised abomination this airport is and I bet it’s that bad every single day. No-one has any idea how to organise things leaving people frustrated and making sure they never want to return to Kos ever again. That’s if they actually make it out of the airport....although I’m betting some people give up and take a ferry instead. It really is that bad.

We arrived in Athens early doors and took an overpriced tube train into the centre. We’d been to Athens last year so had done ‘all the big boys’ as Claire called the Acropolis at al so what would we do this year? We didn’t know and so headed for a district that sounded interesting only to realise when we finally got there that we’d been there before. So we took a Happy Train around the city where we realised we’d actually walked most of the route that morning already. This wasn’t going well.

So we headed for the observatory but they have hidden the entrance and, in the searing heat, we gave up. We found an ornate church and looked to go inside. It was closed.

Right, we’ll find the museum. It had shut at 2.30 or some stupid time. So we decided to find somewhere to eat and finally found a place that was only spoilt by the amount of cigarette smoke we had to digest as well. Despite being by the open doors the outside clientele were intent on smoking as much as possible. I’m not joking when I tell you that one guy was sat there for about 45 minutes and was only without a lit fag for the time it took to light another after he’d finished the last one. The youngsters at the table next to them are probably dead from cancer by now; every single one of them was determined to shorten their lives the idiots.



The food was okay but I put too much reliance on my being better, I wasn’t and had to leave a lot which I hate doing. And then it chucked it down just as we were leaving. Thank you Athens! We gave up and came home.

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