An a epifa-wahhh

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So I had an epiphany.
Yes this blog is going to be a "I am gay" kind revelation blog post. As always like my blog is raw and unconventional. so there will be intentinal grammatical lexicon syntax and spelling errors. If this bothers you then read someonelse's blog. prude. Anyway I am being lazy and so I am taking a excerpt from my personal journal and placing it here for all to read:


This is the day I remember the day I remember I wanted to be an professional actor again. I was in a Voughntown program (Valedelavilla) I was directed to do a 3 min skit. During the whole skit I was annoyed by the fact my partner was upstaging me and I had a natural urg to look out into the audience. I was told I should be looking at my partner, but how can I look at her when she is upstaging me, it breaks all the rules of my training. Dont get me wrong I loved the skit it's what changed my career life and Dade was wonderful at directing it. You know how actors are self-assessing, judgemental, self-esteem issues freaks. I still have much too learn. I am constantly plagued with the idea acting as a career choice. I dont want to be famous but I do want to be an actor. Its the only thing I have been truely good at or at least I think I am. It is the only place where I geniunely listen and graciously take orders from people. It's settled as of 513AM (Madrid time) I declare acting as my professional career. and no I am not drunk. Lesson 1: As an actor you need a second profession. Luckily my other skills (or at least I think it is{self doubt is a the mark of an actor especially when he is having a innermonologue with his inner monologue}) is teaching. I will continue my spanish and english instruction and tutoring bussiness (Talk To Me World). Maybe moving to Spain has lead me to this point in life. I have to live my life imperfectly so I could obtain what I want truely in my life. My family may disagree but they are too disfunctional to understand that money isnt everything. I truely know that now, being that I came from making close to a 1000 a week (killing myself slowly trying to do it)to making a mere 325 a week from unemployment. I do miss buying anything I wanted but I wasnt getting what I needed. I wasnt getting what I wanted most and this is going to sound really corny but I wasnt getting myself. I thought I found myself in highschool and I did until I met Chris, he showed me the real person I was and the person I wanted to be. I had both evil and angelic qualites. With Chris and other factors such as school, family. I lost myself into this notion that I am suppose to be this Dr. something. Or maybe I tried to convince myself that I should be this Dr. something. I was straving for a title. A title I thought will bring the answers I was looking for as an adult. I always knew the answers but judgement told me those answers weren't true. Honestly judgement is still telling those answers are lies. I choose to put lid on that m f mouth and try let him control my life. My favorite quote so far in my life is"It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection". I realized I was trying to live the life of what the "perfect" me I think is or will be. Its held me back from just being me, crys at sad commericails, doesnt know things arent affecting him until they come into affect, can be consider an alcholic, imperfect me. I wouldnt have it any other way.


so there it is my life in a tiny nutshell of what's to come. I kinda want to wait to 2012 is over to see if this self assessing crap is necessary. I mean what is the point if we all going to die anyway. I kid I kid. I make obscene jokes you laugh and the jews go home with the money its all part of life. deal with it. I leave you with my made-up doesnt make sense quotes

Break the bridge between the chicken post and the beef stand and your truely have a good reason to shoot your turtle.

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