reluctant traveller, blog 6. He shouldnt have done it

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I’m not sure why he did it, im not sure what possible reason he could have for doing it, im not sure he even thought about the consequences of his actions, but dear reader, he did it, he shaved his legs.

Let me take you back to the start of the day, I had awoken from my beautiful peach schnapps (as mentioned before, this was not the description I had used when discussing it wit h the lads) and still had the faint moment before your awake dream, that I would awake in a big double bed with a beautiful lady next to me, the African heat pouring through my windows and fresh coffee already brewed.
Eyes open, not quite what I had imagined, Wideboy was walking around showing off his tan, beer in hand and an outfit that consisted of England wife beater vest, shorts to just above his ankles, white socks and trainers, Ginge, as we’ve already discovered, was walking around quite unashamedly naked. This was too much, what time was it in England? Could I call home yet, what excuse would I have.

We left our grotty hell hole and went to the lads flat, a palace in comparison. Breakfast was being discussed, Beer and a fry up, obvious choice. As we walked down to the bar/restaurant/nighclub/laundertte, well, I told you it was classy.. I noticed that Beer Rash was wearing jeans, 35 degree heat, it piqued my curiosity, but I left it alone, I was all too busy silently weeping at how far away my bedroom, turkey steaks and VHS Porn (baseball if my mums reading this) was right now.

Back to the flat after what could be described as a slap up breakfast, well could be, but shouldn’t, im not entirely sure that scrambled eggs are tinged with green and I definitely know that bacon does not taste like beef, I digress..

Getting ready for the beach, beautiful yellow sand, remote spot, view of the ocean where I can hide my eyes behind sunglasses and continue to yearn for the delights of south London…well the sand is black and the pebbles stick through the towel, all you can see is burnt breasts everywhere, the women were pretty cooked as well.

Then it happened, Beer Rash, changed into his shorts, Beer Rash, who is quite possibly the hairiest man alive, richard keys love child with Chewbacca springs to mind, had a pair of the cleanest hair free smooth female legs ive ever seen (I was 19 stone, living at home, addicted to burnt turkey steaks, it might come a shock to you, but I hadn’t seen many bare women legs, well my Grans, but lets not open that door)
How in gods name did you get them like that beer ras…I couldn’t even finish the sentence.
.”youve shaved your legs, you’ve shaved your bloody legs!!”

And then the riposte, which should go down in history as a classic case of digging, hole, deeper.

“get fucked, I ididnt shave them, I used imac”

Well dear reader, the silence was deafening, every one calculating who could get in first, so many thoughts going through the head, until the silence was broken
“You look pretty mate”
Definitive.
This dear reader is the man who in later times on his stag do moaned that he didn’t want to wear pants under his leotard as he didn’t want VPL..

But worst was still to come, well for Beer Rash, for everyone else it was magic. As he sat down, the shorts ever so slightly crept up his legs to reveal a hairy thigh. What. In.gods.name.has.happened.here.
“I couldn’t take the pain, the burning hurt so much I had to stop”
Yes, you’re right, you are thinking the correct thing, Beer Rash now had his own hair bathing costume. He couldn’t take the pain of the whole leg, so had stopped at where his shorts would stop, Beer Rash was sporting half yeti, half lance Armstrong legs. For the first time in a long time I prayed, I prayed to whatever god, whatever cosmos was listening, I prayed that day dear readers, I prayed that Beer Rash would meet a women on this holiday and I prayed that I would be there when she revealed his own take on fur shorts..

Laugh mock welcome
The reluctant traveller

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