BL #4: Have A $10 Hot Dog

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Geo: 60.3881, 5.33185

I didn't think it would be possible, but Norway has been even more expensive than I remembered from six years ago. It's not that the prices are simply high here, it's that they are actually offensive, even bordering on the grotesque! The one good thing about the high cost of living here is that, even if you are starving, you easily lose your appetite as soon as you see the exorbitant prices listed on menus everywhere. In fact, seeing the cost of a meal here makes you puke a little in your mouth, but you quickly realize you must swallow it back down - you can't be wasting food like that in Scandinavia!!!

Norway forces you to get creative when eating - luckily for me, staying in a business-class hotel in Stavanger meant that a pretty substantial all-you-can-eat buffet was offered for breakfast. Stuffing yourself when there is "free" food available is a no-brainer - on both mornings in Stavanger I inhaled three to four plates overflowing with bacon, eggs (scrambled, sunny side up, and boiled), sausage, roasted potatoes, smoked salmon and lox, assorted cold cuts and cheeses, fresh-baked bread, yogurt, cakes, and fruit (canary melon, cantaloupe, watermelon, and pineapple).

However, only an amateur eater in Scandinavia would limit their true food intake at an all-you-can-eat buffet, to what they could physically digest at the table. Having previously learned the tough lessons of trying to eat on a budget in Scandinavia, I returned this time with an arsenal of new tricks. Though I never knew exactly when I would return to Scandinavia, I've trained hard the past six years to prepare for that day.

The first stage of training was to learn the ancient Japanese art of being to able to expand your stomach to the point that you can store at least three days' worth of food. This training regimen was grueling, and involved many pilgrimages to an ancient Shinto shrine in a secret location atop Mount Fuji, to train with the great Takeru Kobayashi, my mentor and hero. In fact, this past winter's trip to Asia was only a ruse, to masquerade one final round of stomach-stretching sessions!

Stage two - this was a tricky one, as it required finding someone with knowledge of medicine, surgery, genetics, both human and bovine biology, and Chinese grocery stores. Exactly what type of plan would require a person with such a diverse skill set? Surgically modifying my digestive system to include three stomachs like a cow, of course! If I could stretch my stomach to hold three days' worth of food, I could expand my gastric capacity to nine days' worth!

Perhaps even more difficult than the surgery itself, was actually finding the right person for the job. After some research on the Internet, I realized that only Dr. Moreau would be able to successfully get the job done. Never mind that he's only a character from a work of fiction, I still managed to track him down on Craigslist and procure his services. If I found him on the Internet, he must be legit, and nothing could possibly go wrong with that, right? Riiiight???!?!

The purpose of the third stage was to increase my already massive food storing capacity through dedicated study of the skill and technique of the great Dizzy Gillespie, so that I could master the art of Squirrel-cheek storage. With that, I am now able to store at least two meals' worth of food, on top of the nine days' worth I can already hold in my three stomachs. This is pure genius!!!

Finally, after all of that, then comes the last step - while it doesn't actually involve learning any new skills, or any further surgical modifications, it does depend on drawing upon my genetics, and calling upon the art of being a cheap Chinese person, something that is found buried in the DNA of all those of Chinese descent. All of us, no matter what our origins might be, have seen those cheap ass skills being used in every day life, perhaps without even realizing it.

Why do you think McDonald's switched over to using ketchup pumps and disposable cups, many years ago, instead of leaving packs of ketchup out, for the taking? It's because of us!!! It doesn't matter if we only purchased a small order of fries - we'll take handful after handful of ketchup packets, like starved kids digging into a basket of Halloween candy! And the napkins? It doesn't matter if we need only two, we'll still grab two stacks of them, each as thick as a fat phone book!

With those kinds of genes, it wouldn't be possible for me to ignore my genetic imperative and avoid stealing food from the buffet! The only difference from my ancestors, however, is that being born in Canada, I suffer from a small degree of guilt while doing such things, meaning that I will at least try to steal food in a somewhat subtle manner. This is unlike the pure Chinese way of doing things, where it is completely blatant, and justified by the fact that "We paid for this, damnit!!!", while we stuff our purses and backpacks with not only food, but cutlery, plates, cloth napkins, and if there's still room, perhaps even a small piece of furniture. All wrapped in hotel room towels. And stuffed inside of pillow cases.

So after all the food gorging and food stealing at the buffet this morning, why on Earth would I want to eat a $10 hot dog? Even though I only vaguely remember my last time in Bergen, one thing does stand out in my memory - it was my first stop ever in Scandinavia, and the sticker shock was extreme. The cost of living in Calgary all those years ago was substantially less than it was today, so the gap between Norwegian costs and what I was used to paying back home was even more significant.

The first night in Bergen all those years ago, I couldn't stomach paying for an overpriced restaurant meal, so I instead settled for an overpriced hot dog. There was nothing overly memorable about the hot dog; the only thing I really remember was that I couldn't believe the thing cost $10! So with a nod to the past, no return trip to Bergen would ever be complete, until I had another $10 hot dog ...

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Photos

$10 Hot Dog ...
... although they were a little more gourmet than the typical dog, with varieties such as reindeer and game sausage. Not bad, but also not worth the price.

A Good Morning's Work ...
... I managed to steal a rather substantial lunch, from today's breakfast.

Acid Trip ...
... definitely graffiti born out of a drug-induced hallucination, my favourite part is the cute little hot dog doing shots of ketchup and mustard.

Acid Trip #2 ...
... definitely not as cute as the previous work, and perhaps even a bit disturbing.

Cool Driftwood Fish ...
... too bad we can't eat it!

Henrik Ibsen ...
... I don't know much about this playwright, but he sure is one freaky-looking mofo!

Very Organized Selection of Movie Snacks ...
... and yes, on the right are some kind of simulated bacon snacks! Formed to appear like little wavy strips of bacon, they are sure to be completely devoid of any nutritional value, but also sure to be delicious!

Starving Girl From Mainland China ...
... she was lustfully eyeing the bacon strips, in a way that a woman would eye an oily and shirtless Hugh Jackman, complete with shiny and stiff Adamantium claws.

Looks Are Deceiving At Zupperia ...
... this bowl of seafood cooked with garlic and chilies is much bigger than it appears, and also quite good. Tons of mussels (probably the highlight), really shrimpy-tasting shrimps (in a good way), and some chewy calamari and scallops. The scallop was interesting because of its meaty texture - it wasn't overcooked and rubbery, but quite tasty despite a texture that was denser than you would normally expect. Overall, very good, despite the broth being a bit too salty, and at about $35 CAD, stunningly good value for this expensive country.

Rudolph Soup ...
... also quite tasty, though a bit too rich with a healthy dose of cream, along with chunks of reindeer. The slab of pate was an interesting accompaniment, which helped contribute to the overall richness of the dish.