I Passed!

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Someone in the room forgot to turn their alarm clock off this morning so it woke me up earlier than usual. Some days I can manage just to go back to sleep but then I realized that today was no ordinary day. I was completely awake when I remembered that today was the day the TX Bar Pass List would be posted. I took a shower then thought most likely the results wouldn’t be posted yet but I would check just in case. When I saw there was a link entitled “Pass List,” I admit my hand started to shake a little and I may have even lost my breath for a second. I don’t even know why I got so worked up since I don’t even know if I will every practice law (I don’t know if me practicing as a lawyer fits into God’s plan for my life). I think it is because after working so long and hard for something, the thought of failing is quite scary. I had kind of put the whole thing out of my head while I had been here but this past week a few Americans who knew I was still waiting for the results asked me what was going through my head. I am so strange sometimes but when one asked me, I started tearing up. I just wanted it so badly. Not because it defines who I am but I like to feel like I can accomplish anything (which I am learning that I can through God’s grace & strength) but when it is black and white on paper it can be somewhat daunting and the possibility of failure can seem more real. I do know God was there when I was studying and there when I took the test and was there when I was checking the pass list for my name probably happy for me knowing I would be happy. It is so silly but my eyes got watery as I saw my name listed there. One of the guys at a computer next to me saw me acting strange and asked if I was happy or sad. I told him happy then checked the list probably five more times through out the day to make sure it wasn’t a mistake. I feel so free, like nothing is looming over me. I feel like even if I never practice law, even if God were to call me to missions more than just a year or whatever else could possibly happen it is not because I am not good enough it is simply because God has a different plan for me. Whatever the plan may be, law or otherwise I have learned it is in His will that I want to be because it is there where I am truly living. It is there where I have a purpose in life where I can make the most out of the gift of life He has given me.

It is funny but I guess people noticed this bigger smile on my face or extra spring in my step because many people through out the day asked me what was different. I am not one who jumps around in excitement but I did that day. I still am not sure if it was more because I passed the bar or because I finally came to the realization I am free to live the life I am called to live without worrying about what others think because on the day I stand in front of God it will only be me. I don’t want to look back and see all the opportunities and blessings He tried to give me but couldn’t because I thought I had to live a life the world judges as successful. I AM FREE!

That night we had an “Older Girls Girl Party.” A few of us girls who are over 24 went to Hilda’s apartment (she used to be in Jesus Revolution Army and now teaches and works with a ministry in the Jesus Church called Jesus Women). We slept over at her house, had smoothies, cookies, tea and just enjoyed good conversation and the next morning had yummy pancakes (American style). It was really a wonderful way to end a great day!

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