Insecurities

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I saw a depressing movie in my cancer course and so many insecurities rushed to the forefront of my mind. Oftentimes, when I am frustrated, I make lists. I show the lists to no one and end my handwritten fury by ripping up the paper, crumbling it into a ball, and throwing it away. Because I am trying to find out more about myself, I was thinking, maybe I should keep these thoughts (at least sometimes) as a reminder that, while I try so hard to be optimistic and write about how much I am learning, I often find myself going in circles. I am going to copy the list down exactly as written, fragments. This is not easy for me to share: “I’m sad, dunno if I wanna be an oncologist, life changing decisions, want to write a poem with more meaning than you can read, I want to stay here and see more of Europe but sleep in my real room with my surrounding family, I want to make a selfish decision that I don’t feel guilty about, I want to lose weight, I want to understand my SI project, I want to figure out everything I want to do, I want to figure out who I want to be with, I want to say something profound, reflect on Laura’s ‘ignorance is a choice’, not talk about people behind their back, be sensitive to other’s feelings, be a paradox”. I may have accomplished the last goal of mine. I should have written: I am a paradox because so many of my thoughts are shadowed by the reverse thought.
As I reread what I have written, I don’t know where to start discussing everything or if I want to at all. I think the most important thing I want to take out of the list is that I can be really self-doubting. The majority of the time, I have a lot of confidence and get frustrated when it seems that others do not. I want to tell my friend she’s beautiful, and I don’t understand why she can’t see that. I want to show my friend he’s smart, but he can’t see anything other than grades. I want others to release all of their insecurities but cannot release my own. I want to think that I will come away from Denmark realizing exactly where I was, where I will be, and mostly, who I am. But now I can see, there is no way that will ever happen. What is important is that I have learned how to address issues properly. I understand what it means to take a look at decisions you make, great and small, and analyze why it happened. As my time here comes to a close, I can define myself in pieces and that is good enough. People are too complicated to fully dissect. There are things about myself I won’t even realize until I see how I react in a situation. But if there is something I know I do not like about myself, like talking behind another’s back, I can bring that to the forefront of my mind and focus on not doing it. Acknowledging a problem is half the battle. And at the same time, I don’t want to focus on things I cannot change. I don’t want to mope about not having a host family that really appreciates me, because I have so many people that do appreciate me and other host families and people that care about me. Those are the types of things I can write and throw away later or even use them as fuel for art.

Thunder
I miss the thunder when it rains:
the way the wind whips ‘gainst the window pane.
I miss the lightening that filled the room;
As o’er our head the billowed clouds loom.

How such a symphony is played-
Percussion’s tune a sweet cascade.
Crescendo drops and then a boom,
A thunder bolt reveals the room.

A glimpse of clothes, a pictured wall,
Movement like a windup doll.
The place transforms to picture show
As song and scene combine to flow.

Each shutter bang, a door that slams-
So couples grasp each other’s hands.
The whistling wind then lets them know
It’s presence, and their hands let go.

The thunder pounds, someone’s been shot.
The rain steps in to calm the lot
Of shaky bodies and biting lips.
With trickling beads come loosened grips.

A steady pour shows calmer storm;
The room now takes its former form.
The film is off, the room is still;
My imagination ends the reel.

The symphony has up and gone;
The silent night now fades to dawn
Oh, why must I be where the thunder refrains
From joining voices with the rain.

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