Good Morning Vietnam

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"Our people are inspired by ardent patriotism. This is an invaluable tradition of ours. At all time, wherever the Fatherland is invaded, this patriotism forms an immensely powerful wave sweeping away all dangers and difficulties and drowning all traitors and aggressors." - Ho Chi Minh, 1951.

"My ultimate wish is that our entire party and people, closely joining their efforts, will build a peaceful, reunified, independent, democratic and prosperous Vietnam, and make a worthy contribution to the world revolution." - Excerpt from President Ho Chi Minh's Testament.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." (The US Declaration of Independence adopted 4th July, 1776).

"My solution to the problem would be to tell them frankly that they've got to draw in their horns...,or we're going to bomb them back into the Stone Age." - Curtis Lemay, Commander of the Strategic Air Command, U.S Air Force Chief of Staff, 25th Nov 1965.

Vietnam me love you long time, me so horny...
Having spent three months in S.E Asia I feel by now I've acclimatized and no doubt lacking a fresh eyed perception to recognize and appreciate every kooky nuance that Vietnam has to offer, but its impossible to ignore one thing - no, not the war... the motorbike!
The motorbike to the Vietnamese is like what drugs are for Pete Doherty, without them they would cease to function. For perspective at last count in Ho Chi Minh City (the worlds capital of motorbikes) alone there were 10,000 cars and 6 million mopeds (!). There use includes a range from a bed to a mobile garden centre, restaurant or shop and everything is transported this way from tons of bricks to flat screen TV's, but the danger biscuit goes to the man carrying the 8ft mirror. They can ride a bike with four passengers, a suckling pig and a huge ladder, steering with one hand up a muddy track while sending a text message and will still have time to beep. They top everyone in the liberal use of the horn; did whoever invent the horn intend it to be used in this capacity? But, its comparable to an alarm that constantly sounds unless everything is not OK.
There are no rules on the road, intersections work on intuition alone and its hard to see how there are not more accidents, but it works, traffic jams are unheard of it just flows as one big snake of Honda-ness. So as you can imagine its fun crossing the road; its best to just close your eyes, keep on walking and hope for the best; madness in context.

Given the motorbikes relevance within Vietnamese society we had planned on buying motorbikes in Ho Chi Minh City (HCMC) (formally known as Saigon) and riding the length of the East Coast up to Hanoi in North Vietnam, ala Jeremy Clarkson and Co. Unfortunately this proved to be a logistical nightmare upon examination given our timing and our budget, which did not match that of the BBC we were therefore forced to get reacquainted with our friend; the bus.

As far as the people go its a nation of the battle hardened who've survived colonialism and communist rule and still operate a fairly closed society. The north-south divide apparently still lingers on and I'm sure there is still some resentment toward the west. The mantra here is money and at times the thirst for it turns people into right rude bastards; money corrupts huh. Speaking of currency, here they deal in dong. This opens up Pandora's Box of immature phallic related jokes - I flashed my dong about like I owned the joint and blew a whole load in one night etc.

First stop having crossed the Cambodian border was Hoi Chi Minh City, Vietnams largest metropolis and former capital to the South. I enjoyed our stay here, it has an electric, near palpable energy which can quickly lead to sensory overload as its hard to get away from the madding crowd. The sights of Vietnam are crowded with Chinese tourists making this one of the most 'touristic' places in S.E Asia; an inevitable fate that for me takes away from it slightly. One stop saw us at the War Remnants Museum which obviously documents the atrocities of war but I suspect from a very bias point of view but still interesting to see how the Americans were simply the last in a long line of invaders who had come and gone. I've never really appreciated history as you only hear what 'they' want you to hear but still, I learned enough. - "During WWII, the only group that significantly resisted the Japanese occupation was the communist dominated Viet Minh. When WWII ended, Hoi Chi Minh - whose Viet Minh forces already controlled large parts of the country declared Vietnam independent. French efforts to reassert control (funded by the U.S of A) soon led to violent confrontations and full scale war. The French were pushed out and The Geneva Accords of mid-1954 provided a temporary division of Vietnam, with Hoi Chi Minh leader of the communist north faction and Ngo Dinh Diem, the anticommunist, Catholic leader of the south. Around 1960, the Hanoi government changed its policy of opposition to the Diem regime from one of 'political struggle' to one of 'armed struggle'... the Viet Cong was founded. The North Vietnamese Army (NVA or VC) infiltrated the south in 1964 and in 1965 the US stuck its big nose in along with some friends to bring some global legitamacy to the conflict. By 1973 a cease fire and total withdrawal was negotiated and Saigon surrendered to the NVA on 30th April, 1975." - Paraphrase.
Second stop was the Independence or Reunification Palace, built in 1966 to serve as South Vietnams Presidential Palace and it was through the gates of this building that the first communist tanks in Saigon crashed through on the morning of 30th April, 1975 as mentioned above. The building has apparently been left exactly as it looked on that fateful day apart from all the mess the South Vietnamese must have left having seen all those tanks rock up the boulevard. Although I'm sure the whole business was a charade as there are hundreds of pictures of the spontaneous event unfolding. This was home to Dinh Diem who was a brutal ruler and was later assassinated by his own troops but his religious persecution climaxed famously in a buddhist monk sacrificing himself by self immolation as immortalized on Rage Against The Machine's debut album cover.

We took a bus approximately 30km north of HCMC to the Chu Chi tunnels. These are a tunnel network and the stuff of legend during the 1960s for there role in facilitating Viet Cong (VC) control of a large rural area at the tail end of the Hoi Chi Minh Trail and strategically close to Saigon. There were more than 200km of tunnels at some points stretching to the Cambodian border. Ground operations targeting this area were ineffective with large numbers of reported casualties - having seen some of the savage traps and techniques the VC used I'm not surprised - so the Americans turned their artillery and bombers on the area, operation: Scorched Earth. At some points you can squeeze into a modified tunnel for the larger westerner and its stunning to see the ingenuity at how these people spent weeks undetected underground. The claim is that malaria killed more VC in this area than the US ever did.

Heading North-East we arrived in Mui Ne on the South-Central coast - home to an 11km stretch of beach outside the fishing village. The only significant attraction here are the red and white sand dunes which we took the best part of a day to find so just had some fun mucking around on scooters, which as you can imagine don't handle to well on the sand. The same day we headed for Nha Trang further up the coast - again another beach resort but in a bustling Vietnamese city setting - it has a generic feel about it and you could be forgiven for thinking this wasn't Vietnam until you discover the beach is littered with rubbish and the South China Sea is fine for a swim if you don't mind the odd dead dog floating past your face. Although I did brave the waters and did a couple of dives, one of which consisted of navigating through a series of rocks forming a small cave network, very cool and a test of buoyancy but I got to see a bunch of Lion Fish and Lobster.

An overnight bus later and we've quantum leaped to the dark ages and the old town of Hoi An. The whole town seems to function under one large cartel, and with over 200 eager tailors its for me hassle central but for Sian the stuff dreams are made of. But on the upside bia hoi is available in town; draught beer for the principle sum of 15p a pint and was served by a man who goes by the name of 'Mr. Hung'. Disappointingly I managed to crash my motorbike the next day whilst coming back from the ancient and ruined Cham city of My Son (The Kingdom of Champa was absorbed by the Vietnamese as they expanded south). I'd like to say I did it dodging bullets, swerving to avoid an orphan or high-fiving a war veteran at high speed but the truth is it was wet and I was dumb and maybe Mr. Hung was indirectly to blame. Having used my left hand, elbow, shoulder, hip, thigh, knee and ankle as a brake at 60kmph the bike ended up in a ditch and I ended up swearing... a lot. But alas as I brushed myself down and dragged the bike out the mud my own personal Jesus appeared before me. A good samaritan who couldn't speak a word of English having eventually got the bike restarted escorted me to a mechanic in a nearby town. What seemed like the whole town turned out to see the westerner (me) as the samaritan tended to my wounds and the mechanic fixed my bike. The bike was luckily as good as new, unfortunately I still wasn't so I had to take a daunting trip to the Hoi An hospital. Other than that experience, riding in Vietnam was a piece of spring roll...

Next stop on the itinerary and only four hours north is Hue and what was the political capital when Vietnam was ruled by dynasty. Unfortunately time didn't permit us to stay more than one night so we were unable to venture into the DMZ (De-Militarized Zone - the area of agreed cease fire at the north-south divide). The people in this town burn fake American dollar notes in the street daily for the Vietnamese killed during the conflict.

A nightmarish overnight bus fourteen hours through what felt like a minefield of potholes eventually landed us in the capital of the North - Hanoi. We stayed in the Old Quarter whose streets are alive with an unbelievable character; hawkers, bustling commerce, French colonial style buildings teamed with chaotic electrical wiring and the ever present two wheels. One landmark at the heart of this area is theHoan Kiem Lake (Lake of the Restored Sword). WARNING: This next excerpt reads like the Book of Genesis - 'Legend has it that in the mid-15th century heaven gave Emperor Ly Thai To a magical sword that he used to drive the Chinese out of Vietnam. One day after the war, while out boating, he came up on a giant golden tortoise; the creature grabbed the sword and disappeared into the depths of the lake to return the sword to its divine owners.' Hmmmm. We visited the Hoa Loi or ironically nicknamed 'Hanoi Hilton' which was built by the French to imprison any Vietnamese revolutionaries during colonialism but its eventual use was to house American POW's who were shot down during the war. Unfortunately only a small section of the original building remains as they built a massive hotel on the rest. Internal regulation #3 - no frolicking!
Nearby we also managed to locate a pond situated within the back streets which contains the remains of a shot down B-52 - also featured on the 2008 Top Gear Christmas Special.
Another attraction for the masses is Ho Chi Minh's Mausoleum Complex - the holiest of holies for many Vietnamese. Built contrary to his last will to be cremated, in the tradition of Lenin, Stalin and Mao, his final resting place is a glass sarcophagus deep within a monumental edifice. Its a surreal experience as you get ushered through in single file and complete silence fixated on a 50 year old corpse. So Hoi Chi gets a three month holiday to Russia for yearly maintenance although some sceptics believe it is just a wax model nowadays which I wouldn't be surprised about considering it is a massive cash cow.

East of Hanoi is Halong Bay where we spent the night aboard a ship - "its beauty varies according to one's location, the time of day and one's emotions."! Again legend has it the 3000 limestone islands were created by a giant dragon that lived in the mountains. As it ran towards the coast, its flailing tail gouged out the valleys and crevasses; as it plunged into the sea, the areas dug up by its tail became filled with water leaving only pockets of high land visible. Er, wrong. It is undeniably a beautiful place but it won't staying that way for long considering the volume of tourist boats that pass through. Strictly no swimming for me because I couldn't help but think each one of them tourists needs at least one poo during there stay and many tourists equates to many poo's going directly into the sea.

A quick trip back to Hanoi and a quick flight back to 'The Land of Smile' and we're in the same place we were two months ago in Bangkok. Anyone for a game of ping pong? Me neither, I got far too drunk to even contemplate catching ping pong balls fired from a ladies snatch! Sights? We took a day to explore the Grand Palace and the Emerald Buddha and another to visit a Floating Market, the Bridge over the River Kwai and the Tiger Temple, where you're able to stroke fully grown Tigers without your head being eaten.

So without regret onto Chapter Two: Oceania, the Southern Hemisphere. My arrival card for immigration now states 'traveller' under occupation. Having arrived at Brisbane airport the dog sniffed my bum and customs lapped it up. It was an exercise in utter bullshit as my bag was throughly examined and subsequently declared to contain traces of cocaine - I had dragged that bag and its contents throughout Asia so I'm not surprised they picked up a 'trace' but they were implying I worked for Pablo Escobar. Anyway after being detained and frisked obviously finding nothing I was let go... phew.

Finally, I've been the upper side of down, been the inside of out but you gotta ask yourself one question - is the juice worth the squeeze? - Undoubtedly.

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