Burmese Days

Asia » Thailand
May 25th 2007

Published: May 25th 2007

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Statham Race and Jason Death

Chiang Mai

Thai culture encapsulated - a temple to capitalism next to a plain old temple.

Prologue: Laos

Weary and saddle-sore from a three-hour offroad ordeal at the hands of a driver who they suspected may have been moonlighting as The Stig on Top Gear, our heroes arrived back at the offices of the Gibbon Experience in Huay Xai in one piece (just about). Barely had they splurged what little kip they had left on overpriced imported chocolate - outside the country, the Laos currency isn't worth the paper it's printed on, and most if not all money exchangers won't take it - before they were boarding a boat to cross over the Mekong river into Thailand. Together with their fellow Gibboners, the seven-strong party was able (after a short, El Pres-filled interlude) to commandeer a minibus to Chiang Mai for later that afternoon. Pulling in for a toilet stop, Mackay astutely observed that there were more ATMs (with international facilities at least) at this one Thai roadside services than in the whole of Laos. Truth.

Chiang Mai

The boys checked into the reasonably-priced if somewhat uninspiring Eagle House 2 guesthouse, which had been recommended by somebody somewhere along the line, and it turned out that Colonel Sanders had stayed there on his

Sunrise On Khao San Road

"Honey, do you think the 24-hour McDonald's is still open?"

last trip to Thailand with his girlfriend. According to the ever-dependable (yeah, right) Lonely Planet, Eagle House also has a good reputation for treks, which, along with 300 or so temples dotted around the place, is pretty much what Chang Mai is all about. Indeed, the only thing that Chang Mai has more of than temples (and trek-running travel agents) is ATMs: fact. Don't know why so many people rave about Chiang Mai, to be honest - it's like Bangkok-lite, so westernised that any vestiges of Thai heritage, like the temples and the city walls, are totally overshadowed by the countless branches of Starbucks and Boots on every corner. Along with the ATMs as well, obviously. Besides, our heroes not being what you might call the trekking type (trekkies?), and having already done their fair share of yomping at the Gibbon Experience, and what with it raining more or less all the time, they eschewed the great outdoors in favour of the following:

*More shopping malls - surprise, surprise.
*Many excellent meals and the occasional game of pool at the Pink Floyd-themed The Wall restaurant.
*More pool and Arsenal against Chelsea at the Chang Mai Saloon, the latter enlivened

Khao San By Night

They say it changes when the sun goes down around here.

by fellow Gooner George from Vietnam's memorable banter, included such gems as "If you threw a brick at John Terry, he'd probably head it" and (to a Chelsea fan who dared to say of Joe Cole's disallowed effort that it was "a good finish") "If there was a competition for the best goals that were 10 yards offside, that would be right up there".
*Spider-Man 3 at the cinema - so disappointingly shit that Jamie wept into his spandex for the rest of the night.
*At least two temples - Wat Phra Singh, the most spectacular, and Wat Chedi Luang, which contains a huge ruined chedi - before getting bored and going to play Pro Evo at a local hangout for a bargain 15 baht per hour.
*Meeting up again with Kyle and Serena, who our heroes had (most heroically) helped out in Huay Xai by lending them a couple of bucks to get across the border with.
*Just generally lapping up all the western amenities like Internet and 7-Eleven that had been so conspicuously lacking in Laos. Proper travellers.

Bangkok

Back to Khao San at silly o'clock in the morning; back to the 24-hour McDonald's; back to

Strike Bowl At MBK

Louis bowling. The strike bit may or may not have followed (probably not).

Prakorb's House. As all our heroes had already been there, done that, and got the t-shirt as far as Bangkok's tourist attractions go (or went), they instead passed the time by:

*Traipsing up and down Siam Square's shopping malls for, like, three days straight.
*Traipsing up and down the weekend market for, like, two days straight. Yes, that's right: four guys, five straight days of shopping. Impressive, non?
*Bowling at Strike Bowl, a swanky bowling alley designed by Louis' cousin Seb's company, which looks like something out of Star Trek: all smooth, clean lines and white panels, atmospheric lighting, and VIP lounges. Chris and Jonny acquiring a fetching pair of Strike Bowl socks each.
*A night out with Malcolm at Bed, Thailand's most exclusive venue, a swanky club designed (again) by Louis' cousin Seb's company, which looks (again) like something out of Star Trek: all smooth, clean lines and white panels, atmospheric lighting, and VIP lounges, this time encased in a giant translucent tube which can even be loaded on the back of a lorry and shifted around - how very hip (see the absurdly cool website for a better idea). Malcolm getting them in without ID by an

Weekend Market

Try lugging that beast up and down Khao San.

impressive piece of blagging ("Look, we're going to spend a lot of money in there so I really think you should let us in") followed by much mingling with models and footballers, much putting out of the vibe at the bar, and much admiring of the high proportion of Ferraris and Porsches in the car park at chucking out time.
*A night out to seedy Soi Cowboy, so named because a G.I. nicknamed Cowboy was the first to open a go-go bar there. Lots of sexpats and sex workers. What, you've never seen 24 fannies onstage at one time?
*Jamie's token cultural excursion to Wat Po, home to Thailand's largest reclining Buddha, which reminded him of nothing so much as Sagat's stage on Streetfighter 2.
*Rocking out most every night at Shamrock's to Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend: "Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend!" and so on. Repeat to fade.

Ko Phi Phi

Our heroes were distressed to discover that the reports of bad weather on the west coast had not been greatly exaggerated. On the boat trip from Krabi they felt like extras in a remake of The Perfect Storm; nor did the nigh-on torrential rain

Soi Cowboy

More ladies than you can shake a stick at - not that you'd want your stick to go anywhere near them, mind you (and certainly not without the proper protection).

let up all that much when they landed on Phi Phi. A far cry from the sun-drenched tropical paradise that had greeted Louis and Jamie all the way back in January - just drenched, in fact. One plus point of being stupid enough to come to the islands in low season though is that accommodation is significantly cheaper, and after some brief reconnaissance the boys bagged two spacious doubles with balconies and ensuites at the Rim Kao guesthouse, a stone's throw away from the main beach and a steal at 400 baht per room. Not bad considering in peak season they were paying double that for a glorified shoebox at Ban Thai. And it had a shared bathroom. Anyway, things soon took a turn for the better, weather-wise, leaving our heroes free to enjoy a few carefree days of frisbee and other assorted frivolity. Rather than bore you with all the salacious details, below are a few choice quotes which should suffice to give you a good enough idea of the sort of drunken stupidity they partook of on a nightly basis:

Chris (on being informed that he had, in all likelihood, pulled a ladyboy): "I don't care -

Going To Bed

It's just really cool.

he was fit."

Jonny (to a drunk girl's mates, after she'd bashed into him for about the millionth time): "Take her home."

Louis (on waking): "Morning. How are you?"
Jamie: "Er... alright."
Louis: "Did you have a good night last night?"
Jamie: "Don't really remember."
Louis: "What about that girl?"
Jamie: "What girl?"
Louis: "The one you spent all night with."
Jamie: "Ah."

Random Public School Dickhead: "Go on - do it for banter!"

Interlude: Burma

So Louis and Jamie were supposed to be going to Burma for two weeks. But then they realised, on further investigation, that they'd have to buy flights, because the government won't let you travel overland, and that meant that they couldn't really afford it. Plus there are no ATMs or banks that do cash advances in the whole country so you have to carry all the currency you need on you. And if your US dollars are older than 2003, or ripped or marked in any way whatsoever, then many places won't accept them. Plus the government taxes the hell out of tourists at every available opportunity, so all in all it looked like being too much hassle. Which,

Phi Phi

It never rains but it pours.

in turn, meant they'd have to spend the time bumming around on the Thai islands. Damn. Then they were going to go to Burma on a one-day visa run, but it turned out that Malaysia was closer, so they went there instead.

Ko Tao

Ko Tao has a reputation for being one of the best dive spots in South-East Asia. It's also one of the prettiest of the Thai islands (Thailands?), and certainly the only one whose construction seems to have been carried out with any aesthetic considerations in mind. Sairee beach, the main strip, so to speak, is relatively tranquil as far as Thailand goes and picturesque to say the least, and for once the buildings lining it don't detract from the natural beauty too much. As you walk the stone path that runs the length of Sairee and links the standard assortment of guesthouses, restaurants, shops, bars and clubs, what strikes you is an attention to detail in the layout and landscaping that you'd expect from most high-end holiday destinations but which is conspicuously lacking on the other islands. There's also an abundance of greenery which helps disguise any lingering traces of Thai building-site chique. Back

En Plus De Phi Phi

Hello sunshine. Prime frisbee-playing conditions.

in the day, Louis and Jamie had erroneously assumed that Tao was a bit of a dive (pun intended) and so last time around they'd bypassed it, only for glowing reports to follow from pretty much everyone they met on their trip (and not just divers either). They arrived a day behind Chris and Jonny, thanks to their visa run, to be met at the dock at 6 o'clock in the morning by... Adam and Tommy (and Kate, but they didn't know know her yet)! In true style, they'd been to a school disco-themed all-nighter and hadn't been to bed yet. Those guys.

Finding affordable accommodation on Tao can be tricky if you're not diving, as a lot of places offset your room costs against however many dives you do with them. That said, Louis and Jamie managed without any great difficulty to find a basic but functionable double for 300 baht at Sairee Cottages, an attractive resort with good standards of presentation (the majority of their bungalows were expensive air-con palaces), friendly staff, and a reasonably-priced restaurant. And would you know, turns out that there's a lot more to Ko Tao than just diving. Like, for example, sunbathing,

Decisions, Decisions

Free bottle of spirits with every bucket.

frisbee, and going to Choppers and Lotus Bar (where they ran into Megan from Durham and her friends one dark and stormy night - how random?). And, er, that's about it. But then what more could you ask for, really? Ko Tao: to dive for.

Ko Phangnan

Aah, Ko Phangnan. Nowhere will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, and our heroes loved it. They checked back into Anan Bungalows and were delighted to find that, not only did the affable Miss Kae remember them, but she also gave them a generous 100 baht discount on the 400 baht rate for being such good (and regular) customers. Result. After that it was all more or less the usual Ko Phangnan fare: frisbee and films by day, buckets by night. Chris got his tongue pierced. Ko Tao residents Tommy, Adam, Kate and Charlotte came over for Louis' raucous birthday celebration. Headbands and body paint were worn. Shirts were not. Tommy got his tongue pierced. Pool party. Choppers Girl. And that's all there is to say on that subject. Before they knew it, it was time to bid farewell to Chris and Jonny, after some two months

Sunset On Koh Tao

To dive for.

together. Truly, it had been emotional. No, it really had - sniff...

Epilogue: Bangkok

After one final, horribly hung-over day on Phangnan, it was back to Bangkok again, this time for the last time. After one final forage around the weekend market and the malls, it quickly dawned upon the dynamic duo that there wasn't much left for them to do in Bangkok, so they abandoned old faithful Prakorb's (although they still went back there for food) in favour of the D & D Inn, an enormous, soulless hotel that looms large over Khao San and, more importantly, has a pool. Problem solved. Although nothing could make up for the loss of Chris and Jonny, our heroes were happily reunited with James, the Californian they'd met in Borneo all those months ago, which made those last few nights of street cocktails, Gulliver's and Shamrock's all the more enjoyable. Next (and last) stop: Hong Kong.

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