Advertisement
Published: February 12th 2012
Well, it had to happen sometime. I guess it was always a case of when, not if.
I imagine the lead story in the local paper would have read something like this:
"At approximately 18:30 yesterday, the centre of Phnom Penh was rocked by a massive botty explosion centered around the Wat Omulen (that Omulen) district. The first floor windows of the Amajayan hotel were blown out and passers-by were showered with glass. No fatalities were reported, but at least one tourist was left exhausted and in need of rehydration. Citizens are warned to stay indoors as there may be aftershocks"
The journey from Phnom Penh to Bangkok then was punctuated with various toilet stops along the way. If ever I needed Mr Toilet Public, now was the time. We even asked the airline to seat us near the toilet on the plane. It was if we were bumble bees flitting from flower to flower, collecting nectar (or perhaps more accurately, depositing pollen).
Fortunately, the journey was relatively uneventful. We remain on high alert though. Me at High Red, Moi at Black Special.
Bangkok then.
Bangkok’s not really called Bangkok. To the locals, it is
called Krung Thep.
Actually, this is the short version of its full name. The complete version is: Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit (honest).
Anyway, the first thing we noticed, after Cambodia, was that the population are clearly much better fed. The Cambodians were small, young, thin and sprightly. By contrast, we've seen a number of plump Thai people already (Thai dumplings).
Bangkok (or rather, Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit) itself is massive. The buildings are huge, bigger than London. There's obviously lots of money here. (Phnom Penh in retrospect was tiny)! This is a different place.
I am slightly worried about ladyboys. Fortunately, unlike England, in Thailand it is customary to walk up to someone and squeeze their genitals by way of formal greeting so there’s no mistaking.
Plus, we've already seen a couple of Thai brides, small petite pretty girls on the arms big fat lardy white men. I've suggested to Moi that we should buy a Thai bride as a souvenir,
they're only small and we could easily fit them in our luggage, but Moi doesn't seem to think we have enough room.
So, we arrived at our hotel, tired but happy.
Two interesting things about the hotel:
They make a hell of mean Marguerita ( complementary cocktail on arrival )It’s the only hotel I have been to that has Durex in the mini-bar. In the mini-bar !! That’s going to be a bit chilly isn’t it ? And what the hell are you supposed to have it with – Johnny Walker ?
Thinking we should have some sustenance at least (as we hadn’t eaten for 24 hours) we retired to our room and ordered a few tasty morsels from the in-room dining service which came served on banana leaves on the stomachs of virgins (hang on, I’m getting carried away here, there were no banana leaves), a bit of dancing to Michael Jackson (as per usual) then hit the sack for the night.
City and temple tour tomorrow. (Note to self, remember to pack Iodium plus & buttplugs).
( Pause. Snooze. Wake. Shower. Traditional Thai breakfast of Bakn, Frewd Igg, tist, domado and cirfi, then off ).
Our guide for the day turned up at 8:30 and was, how you say . . .
Completely bonkers.
We should have guessed right at the start. City and temples tour, we said.
No city, she said (despite it clearly saying that on our itinerary). Only three temples, she said.
Wat Pho.
Well I don’t know, that’s just what she said.
No, Wat Pho.
I’ve just said, I don’t know.
No no, Wat Pho, Wat Traimit and Wat Thefuckistheotheronecalled. Three temples.
We climbed into the minibus and she told us her life story. By the time we arrived at the first temple, we knew more about her uncle’s gonorrhea and how they had to “chop it off” because they didn’t have medicine in those days, that’s why he’s got no children, than we did about Bangkok (or rather, Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit).
Also, as she didn’t believe in Buddhism, or Hinduism - it was all Harry Potter stories – apparently God had told
her this (I don’t know, that God, He can be such a Nuisance sometimes) we could go in the temple ourselves while she waited outside.
Inside the temple (Wat Traimit) was a massive gold Buddha. Five tons of solid gold, worth £30 million. I stuffed it down my pants but they noticed the lump on my way out and so I had to give it back. Fortunately, they saw the funny side.
On then to the next stop. We passed many interesting buildings, but we don’t know what they were because she was telling us about how God told her he had to cook nice food for her dying father who brought her up as a boy until she was 14.
The next temple housed the famous, reclining Buddha. Again, we were left to our own devices (but by now, we realised this was a good thing) and we spent some time marvelling at the hugeness of it all (the reclining Buddha was pretty big too). Part of a bigger, temple complex, that was something to do with somebody but we’re not quite sure what it was all about. It was all very interesting and marvellous but
we haven’t a clue what it was all about. Down one side of the temple were 108 bowls which you are supposed to put coins in (again not sure what for, but we did anyway, just to be on the safe side).
She pointed at another temple but wasn’t very interested so we asked if we could go in. We sat down (sanctuary) for a rest and I got bollocked by the guards for sitting on the floor with my feet pointing at the Buddha statue. In Buddhism, the head is considered most holy and the feet are least holy, so pointing you’re feet at someone or something is considered insulting.
The last temple was, well, had something to do with marble, we think. But, we did learn that she lived in a small room, 3m square, and had nowhere to keep her valuables so had to carry them around in her handbag all the time getting out a plastic bag full of rings).
By this time, we thought we should feign illness (happily, the trouser danger seemed to have passed without further incident – touch wood - but she doesn’t need to know that) so we
said we’d better go back to the hotel as we’re not feeling very well. Thank you very much. Goodbye.
Phew !!!
She’s supposed to be our guide tomorrow, but I rang the tour company and asked for a different one. A couple of hours later, she rang us in our room and asked us what was the matter, why we no like her. I said that we felt we hadn’t learned very much (it didn’t seem polite to say we thought you were barking and was starting to scare us). She said she would have to leave job and work somewhere else now. Perhaps she could make it better somehow.
Oh dear. No thank you.
God Bless You, she said.
(We’re now expecting the Triads to turn up at our door).
With the afternoon free, we ventured out on our own to a market that was off the beaten tourist track. I’d read somewhere that this was where the monk’s came to buy Buddha statues and was known locally as the Buddha market. It was very interesting. With no other westerners around, we didn’t feel threatened at all. There were all sorts of Buddha
statues for sale. So many in fact, that I was compelled to write a song:
Big ones.
Little ones.
Fat ones.
Thin ones.
One’s that squiggle and squirm.
Brass ones.
Wooden ones.
Pot ones.
Plastic ones.
I think I’ll go and eat worms.
Oh yes, as well as all sorts of Buddha statues, you could also buy other people’s false teeth !!
Ah Bangkok (or rather Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit), you wily oriental dragon – I wonder what more surprises you have in store for us ?
Stool Forecast Unpredictably squally. Wet and windy with sporadic gusts up to 100mph expected. Temperatures warm to hot, depending on diet. Do not travel unless you have to.
Advertisement
Tot: 0.121s; Tpl: 0.014s; cc: 6; qc: 46; dbt: 0.0598s; 1; m:domysql w:travelblog (10.17.0.13); sld: 2;
; mem: 1.2mb
Swami Phil
non-member comment
Stool Report
Ah so sorry to hear that your botty poo is sqwishy ! Never mind, take it easy and drink flat coke and eat solid things (like eggs and cheese and bread). Also try and replace salts in your body. You can buy electrolite replacement salts from any Farmacy, or if not, at least put more salt in your food and put sugar in your tea (you wont become tired then)! I was very pleased to hear that you are shipping things over, like marble tables, so I also will expect you to fly a buddha over to Bilsborough too! By the way, I will be going to your house soon to spend a weekend with the Spillaine's, so I will burn my underpants on your fire in remembrance of you! Take care ok! xxx