6 things you should know about long haul flights

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***Warning: Explicit Language warning****

1. Economy class seats should not have a fucking recline feature. If you want to be comfortable get better
tickets than Economy or stay in your fucking lounge room. Its taking all my stength not to Monkey Punch the
fucker in front of me with his seat back and feet up, the position he assumed as soon as the seat belt sign
turned off 4 hours ago.

2. If a kid is too young to understand the phrase; "I am going to throw you out of the plane if you don't shut
the fuck up!" then the kid is too fucking young to travel full stop! The kid wont remember the trip, but the
passengers who want to rip his/her gorgeous little voice box out will.

3. Subscribe to the "Wonder" anti-DVT exercises, that I can only assume are now mandated to be shown to you
if you feel like looking stupid. I know I have given him a tough run in this post but if you want to get extra
points in the looking stupid category then you should do what the fuck head in front of me did. Do these exercises
immediately after being shown them not even 20 minutes into the flight and then don't do a god damned thing for
the rest of the trip. I would never wish ill on another human being but it might not be such a bad thing if
dickheads like that aren't around to pollute up the gene pool, if they know how to that is. Let's face it dying
of DVT is a decidedly more dignified death than making in the top 10 nominees for the Darwin awards which is where
this guy is headed.

4. The mile high club is sanctioned by the airlines. They might pretend they don't but don't be fooled. If they
didn't they wouldn't sell condoms in the toilets at the airport. I almost feel like I am not getting my money's
worth just by writing this instead of laying some serious ground work with one of the air hostesses.

5. Airline food is highle underrated it's not great but it definitely holds its own against anything I could cook.

6. It all well and good to have pay per view on a plane but choose your programming wisely. Putting on something
with no communication between charaters other than grunts puncuated with canned laughter is probably going to put
a slight dent in the profits generated by this entertainment. Thanks for the free Mr. Bean lady in 58C, you saved
me some moola much appreciated.

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Comments

[Craig Braddy]

I know how you feel
Zac I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. I know how you feel - anyone over 3 foot six has experienced exactly the same thing - especially since they put those extra boxes under the seat in front. Just a suggestion - rather than using the "f" word (which I thought was used very appropriately/humorously in this post) why don't you substitute the word "fathom" - that way, everyone knows what you are meaning, but it is a little easier for 'older people' to read!

[Mick]

thank you
thanks for the very usfull material i'll remember that when i go on a long flight.how are you going after your flight good i hope and excited to see jerry the jerky girrafe hope you have a good holiday and we all miss you all the best. Mick

[Melissa Braddy]

I know the feeling
I was sitting here reading and laughing because i know exactly what you are talking about! i fly ever week, maybe not always that far, but the red eye from Darwin is pretty bloody bad!!! i cant tell you how many times i have wanted to ring the necks of screaming children! anyway i hope the rest of ur trip is much better than the plane ride!

[Rohan Braddy]

wetting myself
Hey Zac, Hope things are going well. Just found the link to the blog and thought I'd catch up on what you are doing. Decided to read from the bottom up, nearly wet myself! I woke the kids I laughed so hard. I have a tip: I watch the button through the gap in the seats around the time the seat belt sign is going to go off. Then, when they reach for it, I push my knees firmly into the back of the seat. They try a couple of times, pushing harder and harder with their back. Now here's the trick: they will look around or over the seat, so have a book in your lap, drop your knees at this point and stare intensely at the book. When they have been staring at you for a few seconds, look up casually, then surprised that they are staring at you. Then, as soon as they turn back around, bring your knees up again. Some stubborn pr*cks might go through this routine three or four times, but eventually they give up, assume the seat is broken and leave it upright for the rest of the flight. Maybe it has something to do with being 6'4", 105 Kgs and ugly as sin--so I don't suggest you try it on the Red Eye from Darwin Melissa!!

[AusWingnut]

Haha that sounds great I will have to try this one on the way home. Glad to hear you are enjoying the blog. Just so everyone knows too, comments wont appear until I approve them. Its just to stop spam and stuff. Thanks for dropping by Rohan hope all is well in the land of oz.