BL #44: Drink Vulture Piss

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Geo: 41.6891, 44.8091

“Donaghy Estates tastes like the urine of Satan after a hefty portion of asparagus." Not exactly the kind of review any winemaker would ever want, but it's probably the most comical critique ever made by famed wine critic Robert Parker. Of course, those were never really Robert Parker's words - it was all part of a gag on 30 Rock, but words that have stuck with me since. Who knows, maybe it was a true review - 30 Rock knew of the existence of Svenborgia, after all!

Any time I taste any less-than-stellar wine, I think back to that mock wine review and try and imagine how Satan's asparagus-saturated urine would taste like, and have another sip of that bad wine to compare. Every time, I'll say to myself "Yeah, maybe this wine isn't so terrible, after all ...", except for one instance quite some time ago, when I first tried a Georgian wine. For a long time, I was hearing about the underrated wines produced by this little country, which is widely believed to be the birthplace of wine production, over 7,000 years ago.

So one day we were strolling around Calgary and decided to pop into a specialty wine shop, and couldn't resist picking up our first ever bottle of Georgian wine, by a label called Pheasant's Tears. We saved the bottle for a while before cracking it open, because with a poetic name such as Pheasant's Tears, it would surely be such a beautiful and special wine that it would bring us to tears.

Unfortunately, the first image that came to my mind upon tasting wasn't that of a pheasant crying, but of a vulture pissing directly into the bottle - it was horrific, so bad in fact, that we both wondered if the wine was corked. But it didn't just taste corked - it was as if the winemaker had discovered the wine had gone bad, and to fix the problem, he filtered it through a dirty gym sock. For good measure, he then passed it through the jock strap of a 350 pound NFL offensive lineman who had worn it for an entire season that included a run to the Super Bowl, to ensure the wine was as odoriferous as can be, and then allowed it to ferment inside of a Soviet-era prison toilet bowl.

Our first experience with Georgian wine left a bad taste in my mouth, both literally and figuratively - so much so, that we never looked for any Georgian wine, ever again. That bottle of wine remained a mystery for a long time, as we were never sure if it was truly indicative of what Georgian wines had to offer. After a few days in Georgia that involved some substantial wine drinking, it became clear that the bottle of Pheasant's Tears was an aberration, surely corked. But that all changed today ...

Another day staying at the Envoy Hostel, and another one of their well-done tours - this time, another hike, but it couldn't be any different from yesterday's. Instead of a steep hike through the cool environs around Kazbegi, it was a hike through desert-like landscapes and temperatures to the monasteries of Davit Gareja. Yesterday's hiking temperature was probably just over 20 C, but today's temperature was easily 40 C - absolutely brutal, and though the hike was shorter in duration and relatively flat, it simply kicked our asses today.

As a reward for our punishing hike, there was another delicious home-cooked Georgian spread awaiting us for lunch, at a local woman's home. This time, the strategy was much smarter, as we wouldn't be stuffing ourselves with food and wine before the hike but after! Of course, not all was perfect - while still drinkable, the wine today was a lot more reminiscent of vulture piss, than it was of the good stuff we'd been drinking over the past few days.

It was vulture piss light, tasting exactly like that bottle of Pheasant's Tears, but at only about 2%of the intensity - in a pinch, downing a whole glass was doable, perhaps even two. However, we were in a spot of trouble today, as the tamada, the traditional Georgian toast master, dictates whatever the party does. Traditionally, the tamada controls all toasts at the table, and is considered quite the honour and is almost a sacred duty.

The tamada not only gives the toasts, but any others wishing to propose a toast must first obtain his permission. Georgian toasts are usually long, eloquent affairs, and have been known to take up to 30 minutes - luckily for us, our tamada was selected from our tour group, and his toasts were fairly short and sweet. Normally, each toast is not accompanied by a sip of wine, but by guzzling down an entire glass - with any other of the smooth, drinkable Georgian wines we've had so far, that would've been entirely possible, but not with a glass of vulture piss light!

Even though we had all had our fill of vulture piss, we still needed to follow the tamada's final instruction - top up all our glasses and down it in one shot, for the final toast. Ugh ... not so easy, but we all managed to do so without gagging, too much ...

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Photos

Ignore the Muffin Top ...
... our tour guide has mastered the art of taking tacky touristy jumping photos - not so far in the background is Azerbaijan.

Time Consuming ...
... how long would it take to carve out all that rock, to make it suitable for these frescoes?

Weirdos ...
... notice the guy with the scarf wrapped around his head, and the girl partially hidden behind him. I'm used to people trying to sneak a listen on tours they don't belong to, and in fact, I've done it myself. But I've never known any to walk right up to the guide and even start asking him questions! It was quite strange having these two random people simply butt into our tour, but they eventually asked the guide if they could join us on the subsequent hike - after introductions, it was a little less awkward.

Lil Buddha On the Georgia/Azerbaijan Border ...
... today's hike crossed back and forth countless times across the border, which started out as this hollow structural steel, then slowly turned into simply posts, and then disappeared altogether.

Tiny Little Hole ...
... we each squeezed down inside, where there was a rather large church created inside of a cave.

View From the Hostel's Rooftop Patio ...
... what makes Tbilisi so cool is the contrasting mix of architectural styles - the futuristic tubular buildings, the mushroom building, the Presidential Palace, and the traditional churches.

Which North American Chain Is This?
Subway!

Tbilisi's Famous Clock Tower ...
... it looks like something out of a cartoon, bizarrely twisted in multiple directions. Look closely and you'll see an angled beam used to prop up the tower. Come see it before it collapses!

Another Delicious Georgian Granny Meal ...
... the majority of dishes were different from yesterday's lunch - this time there was a mayonnaise cauliflower salad, one made with what I think were fermented capers still on the branch, a type of crispy burek stuffed with rice and beef (crazy good), and a dense type of corn bread.

No Khinkali Today ...
... today's main dish were these tasty meatballs, with crisp delicious potatoes.

Cafe Gabriadze ...
... situated at the base of the clock tower, we stumbled upon this place fortuitously - chosen more because of the adjacent cafe's live music, we didn't expect the food to be so fantastic, a modern spin on traditional Georgian cuisine. Starting on the left is a plate of fantastic grilled vegetables - eggplant, mushroom, pepper, tomato, and mushrooms. The tomato was the best I've ever had - it was the most intense tomato flavour you could imagine. The khachapuri megruli was different from yesterday's imeruli version - this one has extra cheese on top, and not just on the inside. On the right is a minced chicken cutlet served over top of a disc of mashed potatoes and a walnut sauce - tasty! What looks like a bowl of soup is actually crispy chunks of chicken in a walnut sauce.