Episode 2 - Cambodian rain and Thai Islands

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Hello all, having not written a single blog entry in 4 weeks this is really testing my frazzled memory. Also the site crashed and we are still yet to recover all of our entries/photos which didn't exactly motivate me to spend half of my day writing more spectacular prose and uploading hundreds of photos. Anyway, now motivated and full from 6 slices of toast and all the coffee i could drink (free breakfast) i'm ready to get stuck in. Hope your all well (hope this doesn't crash again the fuckers) and enjoy.

I forgot to mention in the last entry that in the shit hole that is Phon Phen, where drugs are freely offered to anyone remotely looking like a tourist despite age or the fact they're wearing 3 inch thick computer geek glasses and therefore obviously get drunk at the sniff of mere alcohol, we were offered a bit of brown..... yes heroin. After taking up the offer and spending 3 days smacked out of my face.......... no we wouldn't. We were on our way to the H.O.D, the club i mentioned before and in a tuk tuk when as usual we were offered the standard weed, coke and pills. We were pretty drunk after drinking with 2 older aussie fellas and discussing everything from English immigration law to opium and previous drinking sessions, so decided to wind the dealer up by asking for heroin. Instantly he produced a bag of brown (i think it was heroin altho i don't claim to be an expert on it's appearance) at which point we shat ourselves and told the tuk tuk driver to get the fuck out of here. At the club i was also searched and was caught with malaria tablets. They still let me in tho as i said i wouldn't deal inside.

As i mentioned before we then left for Sihanoukville, a beach town on Cambodia's south west coast for the first bit of sun and sand of the trip so far. However it was monsoon season and rained cats and dogs for 4 days solid. The first night we got there our room for 5 U.S. dollars between us (2-50) had a toilet that consisted of a hole in the floor (pretty standard in Cambodia) but no door so it was literally the other side of the wall from the bed. Needless to say taking a shiny shite in such conditions made the room smell like...... well shit!! We decided (sensibly i feel, as altho we can slum it, waking up to the smell of Sean's latest arse unload is not pleasant) to find alternative accomodation and moved to the other beach (less seedy, more travellers) and paid 6 U.S. dollars a night for a lovely large room with 3 3/4 beds (fuck!! one each, what a treat), a T.V and a large veranda overlooking the sea. However it was still raining so we basically bummed around till we could go out. On the first night in a French bar the owner bought us over a small bit of weed in a pot with our beers with some skins but after discussing if we could A. smoke it there. B. would have to pay for it. C. should just steal it and get stoned in our room/toilet we left without doing anything to return later but not be offered the weed again........ bastard. On the second night we went to some hippy bar on the beach with load of yanks being hippy twats where we were offered a massive bag of weed for 3 U.S. dollars. Again we declined as I was busy getting jealous that Caroline, my irish friend, had Facebooked Sean and not me!! We were transported to another bar at 12 which was pretty shit but on the walk home we were again offered the ganja. This time we accepted and bartered the local down from 10 dollars a bag to the previously offered 3 dollars but then had to pay an extra dollar for some skins. This bag was like 40 quids worth back home so we weren't arsed about paying 1/4 of the total price for some wet and crumpled rizla and proceeded to get Bob marley stoned for the next 3 rainy days. As you can imagine with that much weed to get thro before crossing the border back to Thailand our next 3 days were spent getting up late, having breakfast, having a joint, going on the net, having a joint, looking at the rain, smoking whilst watching Star Wars (the good ones. me and Sean were very excited at this) and Jurassic Park (what a treat) on Star Movies maternee programme, having two seafood bbq's for dinner and then smoking and watching some shit Rocky esqe Sly Stallone prison movie. The last day it was really hot and finally not raining all day so we hit the beach and got burnt to fuck of course. During our stay in the rainiest beach town ever Mark even took up smoking (despite his anti smoking rants and junkie taunts to me and Sean), gingerly at first (coughing a lot and not smoking the end cause it was 'too hot for my lips', faggot) but with ever more confidence as time went on. He rolled his own, smoked his own (we had to have one each as there was so much to get thro) and we even caught him in the room scuttling around for fags so he could role himself one whilst we were out. Fucking junky!!! There was also a local boy (Pete of course) who scammed me into buying a bracelet (but he was very hard working and friendly so i didn't mind) who we kept seeing everyday. Sean also bought a bracelet from him so we felt we had done our bit for him but he kept hassling us to buy more and had the cheek to request Sean buy him a coke to which Sean understandably declined. At this Pete called him a scumbag and walked off. Further days brought further requests for free cokes and more bracelet buying which really fucked us off so we tried to explain that his manner was unnacceptable and we should really clip him round the ear. Whilst explaining this to the cheeky fuck his mate of about 6 called me a 'Jew fuck' for refusing to buy a book. Fucking unbelivable. Not only do i look like a German tourist and therefore probably not Jewish due to modern world history, how the fuck does he know the Jewish stereotype of being tight with their cash? Anyway, after this and trying to smoke the rest of the bag of ganj inducing a trademark chest infection we left the beauty of the beach for Ko Chang in Thailand.

On the journey we met 3 lads from Worcester who had been out the night before and didn't look well especially as we had to constantly leave the cramped mini-van to cross the same river 4 times. They were alright enough but a bit gay (didn't drink that much and went to bed early most nights) and one of them was especially enchanted with the sea commenting 'i just find the sea magical', gay!! We stayed in a beach hut right next to the sea in what were beautiful surroundings but to comment in such a fashion to 5 other clearly macho as fuck lads was a mistake. The first night me, Mark and Sean checked out the Lemon Bar which was kicking and featured a ladyboy dj called Patrick. She was a shit woman and dj and got a fair bit of drunken abuse as far as i can remember. Anyway Sean got friendly with a local, Mark got chatted up by a local with more teeth than mouth and i chatted to a local called Kwan who told me she liked my dancing!! She was a bad liar but seemed like a nice girl and i said i'd call into her sisters bar the next day however we'd been on the evil Meecon whisky that night so the next day was spent dying on my arse, throwing stones in the sea and hitting stuff with a bamboo stick like a tired kid with a grump on. The next day we hired scooters again and had a fine day driving all the way around the island stopping off to enjoy the views and other holiday type stuff. We even found a small town that had yet to be affected by tourism where the locals did not speak english, so couldn't hassle you and a coke cost 10 baht (about 8p). The next day we still had the bikes till midday so went the other way on the island. On the way back i was trying to catch Sean and Mark who had raced off and as i approached a junction, a bit too fast, a guy on a scooter pulled out causing me to brake hard and take a tumble. Shaken and cursing myself for being the sort of travelling prick we see constantly with scooter injuries i checked my cuts and injuries (nothing serious) and drove back to the woman who rented us the bikes. She noticed straight away that i'd had a fall and said i had to pay 700 baht (11 quid) for the damage. The bike had been scuffed in a few places on one side so i told her, whilst only facing her from my left side as several places on my right side were bleeding and covered with road dirt, that i hadn't fallen off. She didn't believe me and threatened to keep Mark's passport (i was happy to let her) so i offered her 300 as Mark's brakes didn't work properly and she wouldn't get the damage fixed anyway. She accepted and i trudged off to get cleaned up so that i could go to the pub for 'a couple' of beers to kill the pain. A couple turned into us all having an all dayer and we were joined by the Worcester lads just as we were getting rowdy at about 6. Making them do drinking games as they were boring us we ended up drinking the Meecon forfits ourselves as they were far too sober to lose. Naturally we convinced them to join us at the Lemon Bar again where everything got very messy. I got grabbed by Kwan again and left the lads for a very long 'chat' in the darkest cormer of the bar. Kwan was very nice but i couldn't help feeling she was after my cash.... if only she knew i'm still waiting on the tax office to issue my bastard tax rebate. We left the bar at various intervals as we were fucked and Sean fell down a ravine on his journey home, got stuck for some time and cut all his legs, ha ha. We also lost the key however to our bungalow so had to sleep outside. In the morning we had to leave at 8 to go to Ko Samet and after no/little sleep we we were understandably grouchy/pissed. Whilst packing Sean kept telling me that Kwan was a tramp so i clipped him round the back of the head and we had a scuffle whilst Mark stood there and asked 'what are you doing?' Lots of shouting and bravado from both sides followed before we both sulked and packed our bags in silence. The day proceeded in silence as we travelled for 10 hours via land and sea. As i got on one boat my digital camera fell out of the pocket with a hole in it and dropped into the sea. I was so tired and hungover and using all my concentration to look moody, hard and hurt infront of Sean i gave little reaction other than 'fuck it' to this dreadful tragedy. To all those who were so kind to buy it for me i apologise at my lack of emotion at the time but i can assure you i'm thorroughly gutted especially as there were photos of me in the suit on there.

Ko Samet was a bit of a shit hole to be fair. We had to pay 400 baht (8 quid) just to get onto the island as its a national park but its also the closest island to Bangkok so there is loads of local and normal tourists meaning that they've built a load of shit onto their precious national park!! Our hut thing was pricey, the food was pricey (especially the 1st night when we had the shittest meal so far for a small fortune) and there were loads of idiot backpackers and western blokes with their thai 'girlfriends' for a beach holiday. We bummed around for a day on the beach (by which time me and Sean had made up) and then went on a snorkelling trip the next day hoping to meet some people. On our boat were several old western sleaze bags with their thai birds, a french family, ans a few chinese so we didn't converse with any of them once. The snorkelling was a bit crap an all as our guide didn't speak much english and just dropped us at various places and told us to vaguely swim over there. We were at one shit arse snorkelling destination for 2 hours before lunch where we didn't get fish but another group did (wankers) and they also missed out the fishing bit we were supposed to do. On the way back we stopped at a fish farm which was alright to look at shark, turtles and various other sea life. Mark also took sly photos of a girl in the other group who we nicknamed 'Bond girl' for her manner and beach outfit the perv. I did a bit of 007ing myself eardropping on her converstaions with her mate and i can confirm she was a bonified Engluish toff. That night i smoked a fag for the last time and we met a thai bloke who was in the navy and had to clear up bodies and stuff after the tsunami, not nice.

Anyway, we left the next day and began a mammoth journey to Phuket in SW Thailand. Phuket is generally a package holiday destination for the English, Australians, Germans and Arab Muslims as there is a Muslim population in southern Thailand. As such (and especially Patong Beach where we stayed) it is very much full of expensive hotels, swank restuarants and shit loads of normal and seedy bars. We found the backpackers place for just over 3 quid each a night and got stuck in straight away to the nightlife. We went to the main strip and drank in the Blue Lotus bar where we were allowed to pick our own tunes (to a point) by the guy on his computer before being kicked out at 2. We went across the road to the seedier drag as it was open till four where Sean bet me to dance on the pole which i was happy to do immediately so then he retracted the bet. Wes settled at a bar and watched in horror for about half an hour as two western brothers groped the fuck out of a really old ladyboy. She/he/it was disgusting and the two fellas were licking her/his/it's neck, squeezing her/his/its tits (i don't even know how this is possible) and tried to talk her/him/it into coming home with them. We watched, shouted and took photos in a very un-subtle manner and desperately seeked explanations from our barmaid but she could only shrug her shoulders as if it happens all the time. Then when the two brothers had left another sick young western sad fucker tried to chat her/him/it up and gave her a kiss. Unbelieving of the nights events and in full discussion about the reasoning/ sexual orientation or interest of these weirdos and because we were kicked out of the bar at closing we walked to the establishment next door which was open 24 hours. There, very drunk the subject got onto football and Sean in his wisdom and bravado bet me 100 pound that Derby and then Wigan would survive in the upcoming premiership season. I disagreed and am only writing it here so that when they both fail miserably to stay up i can claim my 200 quid. The next day we were obviously ill but got the news that the irish girls Caroline and Sandra were arriving in Phuket in a couple of days and were to celebrate Sandra's b day there. Instantly me and Sean agreed that we should stay in Phuket in order to assist with the celebrations. the next day we went on a lovely half day trip to 'Bond Island' as the locals have called it. It's the island on which Scaramanga has his lair in 'Man with the Golden Gun' so it should probably be called 'Scaramanga's island' or it's local name but that wouldn't attract as many package holidayers or us i suppose. On the way we stopped at the monkey temple where they had errrrr..... monkeys and some big buddha's again and a floating fishing village in the middle of a load of islands which we wandered around and bought only vendor food. The bond island was pretty cool and we had hundreds of photos doing various Bond stuff infront of the famous rock formation (see photos if i can upload them). Basically a good day was had by all and they even played the entire film on the coach on the way there and back (nice touch). Oh yeah and the scenery was spectacular and beautiful and that.

The next day we awaited the girls arrival by watching Australia lose at the rugby against New Zealand and then the football against Japan across the road from a packed Ozzie pub which made us very happy. Big headed cocks!! Then we met the girls, reminisced, swapped stories about Cambodia etc and we took them to the Blue Lotus where the guy with the computer was now much more friendly (i blame the girls) and let us put on loads of songs and like true travellers write our names and messages on the floor and in the toilets of the bar. So if your in the Blue Lotus, Patong Beach, Phuket look to the right of the bog when taking a standing piss and you'll see that i love the C.O.V!! A good night was had by all and i sloped off with Caroline, as was to be a feature of the next few weeks. Not the next day as we were too ill but the following day we hired scooters again and we went to the zoo where monkeys and elephants were participating in shows featuring them playing basketball, riding bikes (the elephants had a specially designed one), adding and subtracting and playing footy. We assume the RSPCA does not exist in Thailand as yet but it was a good laugh of sorts and meant that we actually did something in the day. On the drive back we were stopped by the police and fined 300 baht for not having a licence (with the damages for my fall and the police fine it's getting much more expensive to hire these scooters) and then was allowed to continue to drive home anyway. We went out that night to a club called Banana but it weren't all that and the dj kept stopping songs after a minute which made me wanna twat him in the face so we went to Blue Lotus for a change. By this time the guy at the Blue Lotus was allowing us to put songs on but whilst laughing and saying to Sean 'fuck you'. I decided to jib off my shit hole backpackers accomodation and stayed at the girls palace of a hotel with caroline's permission however when i got home in the morning Mark had a fine for 300 baht for parking his scooter in the wrong place. Me and Sean had parked them there too but some kind fella had moved ours across the road but left Mark's, gutted. I wasn't present but apparently this made Mark very irate and, looking back, this may have been the catalist for his violent mood swings and moaning which was to become another gambling feature later on (we had by this point ceased playing poker as Mark was losing too much cash and getting mardy). I can't remember now but i think the next day was Sandra's bday so after the customary 99 baht fried breakfast at the irish pub we attended the beach for the beginning of this auspicious occasions. As girls seem to do Caroline had bought her loads of presents (Sean will hopefull settle for a pint and whisky chaser for his bday in a few weeks) and we added our few and began to drink slowly. The boys played footy, frisby and goalie in the water to avoid getting too pissed too quick whilst the girls drank. After sunning it up we went home to get suited up (literally in my case) and then met the girls for a bday dinner. My suit had to be altered (by sean) to prevent the bottoms of the trousers from being on the ground as i was wearing flip flops and not the standard shoes but i looked cool as a mother fucker. I even posed with the ladyboys on the strip for a photo before shoving 100 baht in their hairy palms and running very fast before they could grab hold of anything else (the previous night Mark had lingered near one too long and had his tackle examined) However i was hassled so much by the thai fellas with their own suit shops, due to the superior quality of mine compared to their tat, that i had to walk on the opposite side of the street with caroline for protection. Anyway we ended up at the Blue Lotus again and with the owner realising that we were very loyal regulars and it being Sandra's b day we were given an assortment of nasty drinks to down. A good birthday was followed by a day full of hangovers, some beach time and a journey to Kho phangan for the full moon party. I'm gonna have a rest there, try and upload some photos and will continue with another entry soon. Laters.

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Comments

[Saul]

big blog - great photos - tax rebate's on the way...