Vibrant Colours and Curry.

---

Hi all, again I have got well behind with this whole blog effort due to my constant state of fervered business, emersing myself in the culture, history and language of every country that I grace and am now struggling to remember exactly what transpired these long months ago however here goes.

Following Sandra's lovely beach b-day party and night out with suit and all, we all travelled together to the party island of Kho Phagnan were we stayed at a resort with bungalows and an over zealous Thai hostess who consistently berated us for not eating at her frankly shit restaurant/kitchen and leaving the air con on. The first day or so we went to a pool party full of randy and over enthusiaistic teenagers which made me feel very old and want to leave immediately. I also began to feel quite ill at this time and could therefore feel a major strop coming on so we left for another bar but I only lasted a drink as I felt too weak to lift my pint and resigned myself to being in bed and being nursed back to health by my personal nurse, Caroline, in time, i hoped, for the full moon party. So the next few days were spent sleeping off the illness, reading and taking my prescribed dose of drugs with my nurse looking on whilst the others did whatever they did. On one of these nights whilst ill I ventured out of the room for dinner and we met a Northern Irish guy (fat and about 30) and his girlfriend and began engaging in what I thought may be a civilised conversation. However I, and the rest of us did not take into account that the fat prick was a drunken bell end and he constantly asked us the same questions over and over and over again, whilst slagging his bird (who was right next to him) and challenging us to drinking. Altho eventually we made it pretty clear that we thought he was a loud mouthed twat thro fairly unsubtle comments he continued and refused to go for a romantic walk with his downtrodden bird in favour of getting even more pissed and therefore becoming even more of a wanker and getting himself some mushroomn shakes. His bird suprisingly gave in to this and went with him to town along with Sean who, due to his Marty McFly like nature (replace being called 'yellow' with 'I bet I can drink more than you') cannot refuse a drinking contest especially with a loud mouthed twat like this fat knob. Anyway the next day was full moon party day and I had made a miraculous recovery thanks to some wonderful nursing and more sleep than you can imagine. During this time Sean and Mark also lost to Sandra and Caroline twice at tennis. Just had to get that in.... beaten by a bunch of girls!! Being reliably informed by Sean that he outdrank the fat dipshit from the previous night we set out to get a little merry ourselves, first drinking beer and a bucket each at the resort next door before an interesting journey into town in the back of a random guy's truck.

Arriving at the full moon party I decided it was best to stick to beer for a bit as the first bucket had blown my socks off whereas Mark decided it was best to procure some earrings with lights inside which he wore for photos whilst our shadow, the Aussie Carly, who we met at the beach looked on. I decided, having walked up and down the beach sampling all of the various sound systems and engaging with other drunks, that it was time for another bucket so I went to work. This led incredibly quickly to me and Sean getting very emotional and telling each other what great people and friends we are whilst sitting in the middle of the beach. From this point on it's all a bit of a blur altho I do have the following falshes of clarity or have been told the following from the next four hours:

Sean, shitfaced, on several occasions fell into a large ice box that we were leaning on when a member of staff opened it.

Caroline and Sandra were UV painted proclaiming their undying love for each other.

I laughed at a girl that had fallen over infront of me, she thought i'd tripped her so poured her drink over me and i got mad and chased her into the girls toilets where i berated her for being a 'bitch'.

I ate several couses of pizza.

We generally wandered about not knowing what the fuck was happening.

After this I started to regain my memory and remember putting Sandra in a taxi home, miraculously finding Sean in the middle of thousands of people after leaving him for dead as he was proving too much of a pain in the arse to move and leaving Mark to it as he threw shapes on a podium infront of one of the dance bars.

At this point me, Caroline and Sean made the sensible decision of retiring to mushroom mountain which overlooks the entire bay and party and serves interesting 'special' shakes. After I violently threw up on the mountain we got stuck into some shakes and proceeded with what at the time was the funniest next ten hours of my life!! After a few shakes I could see some 'vibrant colours',as I liked to describe them, on the surrounding areas, but did not really feel any other effects. That was until I stood up to get another shake and then everything turned into slow motion and everyone around me seemed fucked up!! Returning to the safety of our threesome we giggled the early hours away with, what at the time seemed to be some cracking material, until the day broke and we could see all the other patrons of Mushroom Mountain wading into the sea below celebrating as if they'd just found gold. Sean at some points was perched on a rock staring out to sea and giggling at nothing like a very amused Spiderman which seemed quite normal, whilst me and Caroline spent a lot of time clutching our midrift thro pain of laughing. After what seemed like hours of this I decided that we had better make a dash for the safety of home as I felt that it was the right time and very light. Sean did not want to go but after convincing him that it was the sensible option we descended the mountain only for him to find another rock to perch on at which point I couldn't go back for him so me and Caroline left the beach, still containing some revellers and got a taxi. In the taxi were your usual morning after mushroom oddballs including some French girls who desperately wanted the taxi to leave so were sheperding people into the back of the van. At this point and Caroline can vouch for me on this, I spoke some French I don't remember ever learning which they understood to my suprise before we headed back to our bungalow. The next few hours were spent feeling very mental, being unable to sleep and still giggling our tits off at absolutely nothing. I also got a bit teary at one point because i'd left Sean on the beach andf Mark on a podium and didn't know where they were as I repeated 'I just hope they got back ok.' Having said that their bungalow was approximately 10 yards away but I didn't go and see if they had got back as i'd have had to have stopped laughing and if they were still missing i'd have to go and look for them. Anyway, the thought was there. Turns out they were both fine: Mark remembers dancing on the podium and woke up on the beach in the morning and Sean got a taxi to the other side of the island, lost his shoes, finally made it back to our bungalow and sat in the sea balling his tits off at nothing!! Probably turns out we were crying at the same time!! So after that marathon of a party we all died on our arses before I finally managed to get some sleep that night.

The next day feeling a lot saner we left for Ko Tao another Thai island with a little less of a reputation for partying and a little more for scuba diving. However the first night the only accomodation we could find was, i kid you not, a massage parlour. The man who gave massages in said parlour was quickly nicknamed Pan the Perv as he was inappropriately suggestive to the girls in my point of view and showed off pictures of him in compromising positions with his 'students' of massage. Anyway we were kicked out at 9am and found some more bungalows to stay in. On the first night we went for a couple of beers at a beach side bar when I recognised three mates from Uni, Sion, Rahul and Andy Brown, staggering towards us. As luck would have it it was them and they were shitfaced slamming girls into the sea whilst Andy tried to drag me legs first into the surf. Having managed to avoid full submersion I arranged to meet up with them the next night as I was still suffering a bit from the full moon altho I wondered whether they would remember bumping into me let alone our upcoming date. Later on I saw Rahul and Andy Brown stumble past our massage parlour on the way home from the club altho Rahul has no recollection of this. The next day, I think, me and Mark went snorkelling and I again bumped into Andy and Rahul at a bar on the beach as Rahul had fucked off his 5 day dive course on the 2nd day because he didn't fancy it. Instead we caught up and I got all the gossip from home over a few beers and arranged to meet up for the evenings England V Wales rugby match. Now if you've never met Sion I can tell you that he is a sickeningly patriotic Wales fan and turned up in shirt and all to the bar. However England proceeded to kick the living shit out of the sheep lovers and ran out easy winners. At 40-0 I began to actually feel a little sorry for Sion and decided to stop constantly taking the piss out of his shit team whilst he showed me the differences between the normal Welsh starting line up and the one currently playing which he had written on a beer mat the sad twat!! After the game we proceeded to a few bars were we drank merrily and me and Sion discussed the qualities posessed by Irish ladies and compared the means by which we are both, in fact, at times extremely gay!! A good night was had by all and I said goobye to Sion and Rahul as I had a very special date with Caroline the next night to attend and they were soon off to another destination on their whirlwind tour. The days in Ko Tao were mostly spent on the beach and so it was the next day and then I romantically took Caroline out for a date on our last night together, for a week anyway, to an all you can eat buffet. We both stuffed ourselves and had a lovely time before both being relieved when the other was happy to go home at about midnight due to being full of various Thai cuisine!! The following day me, Sandra, Caroline and Mark were joined, miraculously and totally at random, again by Carly on a lovely snorkelling tour around the island. The snorkelling was spectacular especially when our guides threw food into the water to lure the big fish to come and swim right next to us. As we were leaving for the trip on the boat we saw Sion and Rahul also leaving the island on their boat and there was a beautiful moment as we shouted obsenities at each other across the dock and then waved each other off as both our boats departed.... pure Hollywood!!

That night I think we went out to various beach side bars, got pretty pissed and then I ate and tried to feed everyone else fried chicken on the way home, Sean talked to a dog, maybe still feeling some after effects of the mushrooms and Mark stole a lilo and then knocked an English drunk off of his scooter with it by accident on his way home. The following day was our last with the girls on Ko Tao as we were heading to Malaysia for a week so after some emotional goodbyes we got in a taxi to take us to our boat back to the mainland. We got a taxi with two bonified English toffs, two girls taking time out of becoming doctors to travel on Mummy and Daddy's credit card. The pair of them were idiots saying that they had heard that this boat was similar in conditions to a slave ship. The boat was pretty cramped as they piled on as many people as possible (it is Thailand not a P&O to Calais and cost us about 4 quid for a 8 hour journey) but these 2 obviously had not been listening in toff history lessons and I just managed to refrain from pointing out that many if not most of the slaves died during transportation and that, altho we weren't blessed with ample room, their comments may be a touch exaggerated if not ignorant you fancy fucks. One of them also kept shouting at the top of her voice that she wanted water despite the fact that her friend was sitting right next to her and then she wanted in on our poker game, what a bitch!! Anyway, I managed to get my own back and right royally piss her off about half an hour into our journey by allowing a Dutch girl who had come in from the outside of the boat to sit in between us, meaning that I had less room but also that I didn't have to sit next to the toff cockhead. This boat, altho definately not a slave ship, was possibly the most horrific journey we had yet encountered. First of all it was pretty cramped and it was a night boat so we were supposed to sleep on it. Secondly there were a load of Yanks across from us getting all hot and bothered because they thought they deserved a place upstairs, for being loudmouthed Yanks I assume, where matresses at an extra cost were provided but were already all taken. Thirdly sailing conditions were not ideal and this was a small, possibly overloaded boat. The Yanks kept shouting so everyone could here them about a scooter that was placed near them for transportation, then got in everyone's way as they took about 30 minutes to untie the scooter and take it outside onto the deck where they insulted the Thai staff and told them they wouldn't have it anywhere near them. When they came back in Sean said to me 'I bet they all start clapping' having got their fucking way, which they immediately began to do. Fucking Yanks, you can always trust 99% of them to be loudmouthed, happy clapping, high-fiving, flag waving, self centred, ignorant arseholes. Naturally we felt superior having slagged them not quite behind their backs and having called their clapping and high fiving of each other. When we finally got under way the boat was going all over the place as the sea was so rough, so much so that the occasional shower of water would come into the cabin thro the window above our heads. We could also often see the front of the boat go under water. With this in mind I was mildly fearing for my life and thinking that if the boat did capzise I would use a couple of the Yanks as a means of floating having previously knocked them unconcious. Anyway, we didn't capsize altho everyone was looking pretty ropey due to sea sickness. Mark chucked his gut out of the window next to us whilst the Dutch girl I had let sit next to me threw up in a bag which really tested my already frail stomach. A Thai guy next to Mark also threw up in a bag and when his mate went to the toilet he had a nice sicky spit on the floor of the boat and then his mate came back and sat right in it!! Having seen all this I tried not to think of the sea sickness and finally got at least 20 minutes sleep. 8 hours later and with many now empty stomachs on the boat we arrived back on the mainland where we were shuttled around as usual for 4 hours around town to various travel agents offices before being brought right back to where the boat arrived and got a bus to Malaysia.

The Malaysian border was not half as interesting as the Cambodian border and we got in no hassles with our first stop being the island of Penang. Immediately we noticed that the people of Malaysia were as friendly as the Thai's and Cambodian's but did not expect some sort of cash payment, for you to visit a shop, buy some drugs, their daughter or a lady boy once the conversation was over. They were just genuinely nice people who wanted to chat which was a refreshing change. Malaysia is also a very multi cultural place with Malays, Indians and Chinese living side by side with no problems. Therefore the Malaysian cuisine is great as you get to choose the best from all 3 of these traditions. Generally we went for the Indian food as they would serve us Chicken Tandoori sets (chicken, sauces, onions, rice and naan) for just over a quid and for any meal of the day. Also in Penang across from our hostel was a vendor who did really good samosas so we basically had Indian and began the not so long process of putting back on all the weight we had lost in Thailand. Now Penang and Malaysia is an old English colony and as such we visited the old fort that is at the tip of the island. It was very good and informative and we took loads of photos posing with guns and other 19th Century fort paraphanelia however Mark's camera was stolen by the convicts in Australia after and we lost most of the photos (old habits die hard obvioulsy). We mostly ate in Penang really as the cuisine was so good and cheap but we did also visit a war museum which was an old 2nd World War Allied base before it was conquered during the Japanese invasion of Malaysia. It was a reallly good working museum and you could go down the underground escape tunnels and see the old guns and bunkers. It was pretty eerie tho as it had only recently been discovered and a lot of torture happened there as the Japanese used it as a place to keep prisoners of war. You could still see bullet holes in some of the interregation rooms and apparently they still sometimes found human remains which, the lady on the front desk told us, were re-buried and not generally reported as they didn't want to have police coming around. A good, if not a little shady way of getting out of extra work I reckon.

After Penang we went to Kuala Lumpur and met up with Sandra and Caroline for the last stint as they had decided to take a detour before home to purchase as many pairs of shoes, watches and bags they could possibly carry. They in fact threw out most of the stuff they had worn for travelling so that they could take the new stuff back as it would be too much to carry and be too heavy for the plane and also bought new bags to carry them in. Thankfully they had done most of their shopping before we arrived at the bargain and bartering frenzy that is the Chinese market, altho I did get a pair of nice trainers to replace all my stolen ones for about 8 quid I think. So we had a day or two with the girls and on the last night we went out for a few drinks together and then me and Caroline went off to a swank hotel bar, had cocktails and a lovely last night together. The next day the girls left to a big farewell and just managed to get all their stuff in just the one taxi. I licked my wounds by getting drunk and watching two days of solid football as it was the opening weekend of the new Premiership Season. Mark did some sight seeing, I think, but me and Sean couldn't get past football and booze and I couldn't really be arsed anyway as I was suffering from severe bouts of love for football and lovesickness for Caroline!!

Soon after we left for Singapore where we stayed for one day and one night. I thought Singapore was proper boss. It's clean and maticulously planned and what every English city should be like I reckon, except the weather. No scallys or hoodlums on street corners, a little India neighbourhood for great food and again, a place where people from all different ethnic backgrounds live and get on with no problems. It is more expensive than the rest of South East Asia but then it doesn't smell like cat's piss everywhere, no one hassles you and business is booming. We went to the Singapore museum which was defiantely the best museum I have ever been to (and I've been to as few) and I generally thought the place was great. Having said that, we were only there for a day and then we flew out to visit our convict cousins down under. More asap.

---

Photos

Sandra holds on for dear life as we take the back of a random guy's truck to the full moon party.
I seem to remember the buckets having kicked in by this stage as we gave a rendition of a Queen ballad.

Comments

[Saul]

are you a bender tied to a tree?
Dave, the gay factor is moving off the scale - hope you've taken some more manly pictures in Oz: you in a pink wetsuit, for example...