Fighting to say Goodbye

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I have been struggling as of late. I have been working my ass off, digging, scratching, smiling, to come to grips with teaching and being fresh in front of the students that I have to come to love and loathe at the same time.

I had to travel to a school that normally I only travel to twice a month. This time I was not prepared to teach them. Well atop that I forgot my book, which as any good teacher or student knows “always bring your books to class”. But it was different this time. I think it has a lot to do with I hate goodbyes. I am not good at them, I am not a closer as they say, I would much rather leave my life in turmoil versus having a chapter closed and something else under my belt. I have been angry, not myself, not fun, morose, bitchy, clingy and just an all around SOB! For those that are here with me, I apologize.

This is not a conciliatory letter, but it is more of something of saying goodbye to Joe. Eight months in China, I have learned stuff about me I forgot. I am kind, I am a good person, and I think I am perhaps not built sometimes for this age. I carry regret, I carry sadness, I carry guilt like a sack, but…that sack has gotten a little lighter, my fear of the future is less, my acceptance of the past is a little less painful, and my hope is a little brighter.

I had dinner with someone who has come to mean the world to me. He is kind, smart, intelligent, and very artistically talented. I listened to his fears, I shared mine, I told him things, he told me things, and it was one of those conversations that it meant everything and nothing at the same time. There was no struggling for words or thoughts, there were silences, interruptions, laughter, and the occasional “Hmmmm” but it was right, it was so right that it wasn’t even scary.

I have made these statements before. “I promise” or “I really understand”. This is not what this is. This is more of, I see, I now have a choice, I can do with this or that, or I can do without this or that. It is fantastically refreshing to have those choices in my life and it frees me to be the person that I hope for all these years I have desperately tried to cover up with work, drugs, alcohol and the other shit that we all do to suppress what we are truly meant to be.

I will close with this, Goodbye Joe, thanks, I want to thank you for what you have done, I hope that I have not been to hard on you, I hope that you truly realize that what you are is truly beyond anyone else’s dreams for you and of you. That you take this choice and you hold lightly, never squeeze it, and never be afraid to close a chapter of your life in the best way you know how.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Comments

[Ann]

Good Bye
Thank you.