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Published: August 8th 2007
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I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days about fear. Brooks loaned me “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer which I’ve started reading. Early in the book she writes, “You can do this . . . The courage to go deeper is found by letting your desire grow larger than your fear . . . strength is found in your longing to live fully, your willingness to settle for nothing else.” When I read that, it seemed to perfectly word what I’ve done each time I’ve faced fears or done things others would say are courageous. Leaving to come on this ship was exactly that. I was terrified, but my desire to fill my life with the adventure of travel was greater. Zip Lining in Costa Rica scared me, but I wanted a great experience in that country’s rainforest. I’ve been scared as I’ve become close and vulnerable with people on the ship, but I wanted to experience these people.
Two days ago, I got a lovely email from Brittany. She said how proud she is of me for everything I’m doing to conquer fears and take adventures. My blog entry about zip lining in Costa Rica had her
Marlize. Pre-Jump.
I "loved" that the only thing I could read on her back was DANGER. in tears. Since Brittany’s email, I’ve thought of the many scary things I’ve done since signing onto this ship. And how great I’ve felt because of each thing. And I think it’s all of those conquered fears that are really making this contract the massive adventure and life altering experience that it is. And I want more.
I remembered telling Kevin about zip lining and then him talking about sky diving in Cozumel. And the idea terrified me. When he told me about it, my stomach was nervous just hearing about it! He laughed and said, “Yeah, you could never do it.” And I said “I know!” Now suddenly, thinking about all of these other conquered fears, I started to think that maybe I should go skydiving. I looked at a couple companies online. I talked to Marlize who told me about when she did it in Hawaii. And I made the decision to see. I emailed a reservation request for 2 days later. I decided that if I could get a last second reservation that fit our schedule, that’s a sign. I believe the universe sends us what’s meant - it’s always been true for me so far.
The View From Above
This is at about 4000 feet. We jumped at 10,000. Yesterday morning, I received confirmation for my reservation. Marlize said she would go with me because she’s always wanted to go.
This morning, we got up and off the ship and took the 10:00am ferry from Cozumel, across to Playa Del Carmen on the mainland. We had our safety briefing and signed the terrifying waivers. Then we waited and waited and waited while they completed jumps with somebody else. Sitting there, waiting, I was so scared. It seemed so irrational. All I wanted was to be okay. I was afraid of the rick I knew I was taking. If anything happened, I worried of the pain it would cause my family, that they wouldn’t understand. But I had to do it. I had to face something completely terrifying and do it anyway.
And so? I did it. I went skydiving.
I still think of it with a question mark at the end, complete disbelief - I went skydiving?
But I did! And 48 hours earlier, the thought hadn’t even occurred to me. Now I’ve gone.
I was terrified. Terrified. My brain could not rationalize the risk I was taking. I kept thinking, if I
don’t survive this, at least I know I’ve lived a blessed life, have loved people immensely, have told them I love them, did some good things for people and that life ended with me giving myself the biggest challenge ever and accepting it.
Marlize asked me after if I’d ever been that scared before. Emotionally, yes. I’ve felt that shaken and vulnerable. But in terms of just pure fear? No. Never.
When we were about to jump, Gonzalo, my instructor asked if I was okay. I said, “I’m really scared. I’m going to do it, but I’m really scared.” He said I’d be okay and to breathe. He took a few deep breaths with me and said whenever I felt sacred, to just breathe. It was like process work at Esalen, like yoga, always return to the breath.
Marlize went out of the plane first. Seeing her fly out that door was shocking. But I instantly pushed it from my mind. I focused on what Gonzalo said to do: step forward, right leg out, left leg out. Suddenly I was falling. The wind was so fast, the goggles pressed to my eyes. Gonzalo took my hands off
the harness so they were out wide. And I was just falling. I felt nothing but air. And I stared down at the view of the beach and ocean below and on some level, I knew it was gorgeous. My only thought was breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When the chute opened, I felt a bit more at ease. I was calmer. But I was so shaky! Gonzalo adjusted the straps so I was just hanging by the shoulders. That transition felt scary. But then again, there I was, just floating about above the ocean, the beach, the earth.
We took pictures with my camera. I didn’t even really look at what I was photographing! Just kept pressing the shutter button.
At one point, I looked back towards Cozumel and I could see the ship, faint in the distance. It seemed to far away, so separate from me. And after so much drama on that ship lately, that felt really good.
When we landed, it was on the soft sand beach. I just sat there. Stunned. I couldn’t believe I’d just done that. A couple walked by on a romantic stroll, the two of them looking at me
like “My god, she just jumped from a plane.” I heard Marlize yell my name and I looked up to see her soar above me and then land further down the beach. She ran over to me and hugged me and was exclaiming in excitement. I couldn’t speak.
I still can’t believe I did it. But I did.
I pushed myself to the point of terror to prove to myself I could do it. I can surrender. I can make myself vulnerable. And when I can’t guarantee the ending, I still have it in me to get through it. Anytime I feel scared, shaken, vulnerable, I can remember sitting in that plane, feeling only fear, but determined to pull myself through it.
I’m stronger than fear. And I’m strong all on my own.
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McSmiggerton
non-member comment
Thats one step for Netter kind....
I am SOOOO very proud of you Netter. I am sending a virtual hug to you, and when I return to the ship will give you a real one.