Exposure, my struggle with my mind.

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Hello Saturn, I have been expecting you.

Jesus Christ what a few months I have had I cannot pinpoint the moment it began, but I do remember the point it got worse, the point it was at its worst and the point it finally started to get better.

I have a very unrealistic view on some things, I create moments in my mind that life never lives up to.
Then I come crashing down, it’s only in the dark of night you see the stars, well I was blacked out, no stars.

Well maybe the North Star, but in the south, it was all very confusing as I am sure you can understand.

I think I just get disheartened easily, I think I just don’t know how to achieve things I want.

I know work was a massive factor, a huge change in job role and a massive intake in staff has made my enjoyable job a place I dread to enter.
I went from being minorly stressed to majorly anxious.
Nothing I did changed this, it was like none of the tools in my tool box worked anymore they were all blunt. I started running, I changed my diet and as these effects begun to aid me lose weight and get healthier- stars began to appear

I talked myself into believing things would get better and I told a few close friends how I was feeling as I learnt the hard way a few years ago if you don’t let anyone know your struggling you cannot expect anyone to help.

This winter was dark and cold and unlike most years full of rainy days that damped my mood and kept me awake, I began worrying about things completely out of my control and taking on more and more anxieties, these began to trap me within myself and the more I did to try and escape the more I failed and fell further into them.

Feeling worthless and unwanted old negative habits reappeared - isolation, panic and impromptu bursting into tears.

The first time I burst into tears at work I felt panic take over me, I had been begging for help for weeks as I felt completely out of control, I was working harder for longer and not achieving the results I needed as I began to break down thankfully two of my best friends rushed over to me and got me out before I burst- I don’t know what would have happened if they weren’t there, this caused fear and embarrassment. How was I now going to face the people who saw me crack- I painted my face on extra hard the following week, I had a weekend in the mountains with some dear friends to cleanse and for a few days the mask stayed put.

I think it’s only right to mention that as this work element of my life was crashing my romantic life also took a drastic turn. I stopped dating after an awful encounter with an American in November I took myself completely out of the game for 5 months and as soon as I placed the tip of my tiniest toe back in rejection stuck me hard. There is only so many times one can hear it’s not you it’s me until she starts to believe maybe it really is me? - thinking you’re not good enough because someone who isn’t good enough for you thinks it is ridiculous I am completely aware of that.
But tell that to me then and I’ll just add it to the list of anxieties.

I think most of it truly comes down to human expectation, social pressure, of course I would love to meet someone who shares my beliefs and love of the world, traveling and food, but life is not a fucking fairy tale and the older I get the further away I drift from my happily ever after.

I still have so many things I want to do, some many countries to visit and live in the benefits of making all my own decisions sure outweigh the idea of a husband a house and two kids but as my clock ticks and the years roll by the panic of being alone forever sets in to everyday like it used to set in to every month.

Finally, after months of this rollercoaster instead of when on a high waiting for the inevitable fall I took the decision to create a block at the halfway point, I invested in some new vitamins started taking note of all the things I am grateful for and have begun to plan for the future, a few months in advance at a time.

I know that this is not the end of these issues, in fact I am sure I will be fighting them for the rest of my life but poco a poco it’s time to shoot for the moon.

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Comments

[Anon]

Power of now
No tate but whatever make. The past and future are but reflections of the now. Thanks for sharing.