10 Things I've Learned While in South America

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A warning, this may offend some readers but I would like to make it clear that I am writing this blog solely for the purpose of comedy, and so I hope that you will find it as such.

1. Only Females Suck Blood, Female Mosquitoes That Is...
If this is the last you hear from me it is because I have been sucked dry of my sangre. While mosquitoes happily copulate and multiply, I am dying from loss of blood. The second I wake up in the morning and emerge from my mosquito net, so begins my day of providing food for mother mosquitoes. My legs and arms are covered in bites despite the layers and layers of clothes and cancer causing Deet I cover myself with. My itching agony is remedied by knowing that I am providing food enough for the female mosquito to lay 1,000 little mosquito larvae, not what I consider to be a mutually beneficial relationship.

2. "Hola"
I am so tired of Latin men saying "hola," they might as well be saying "I want your body," "Come here you piece of meat." Its not as though this seemingly harmless opener has anything to do with starting a conversation for them, it is simply a totally annoying way of saying..."I see you..." I mean what kind of response do they expect, me to go over and start a conversation?

3. Hello, I Love You.
When Hola does actually lead to a conversation, that apparently means it is leading somewhere else..."No," the fact that I am smiling at you, and telling you my name and that I think your country is beautiful, doesn't mean that you should tell me you love me. Please..."Te quiero, me amor." No this is not a winning line, I have had relationships that lasted longer in years than our conversation has in minutes where those words weren't uttered. Trust me, think of something a little more original.

4. Clothing Optional
Clothing is not synonymous with being covered up. Yes girls often go scantily clad out, but a bathing suit? I've learned that it is acceptable to wear a bathing suit on the street and high heels on the beach, or both at the same time. Neither fashion statement I find fashionable or practical.

5. Stop Talking Start Dancing
No matter how smooth or clumsy Latin men are with verbal seduction, I always prefer a still tongue and fast feet. Even the most shy and goofy guys can Salsa till the sun comes up and move in a way that I'm sorry, but put all white men to shame.

6. If You Can't Get One, You Probably Can't Pull Two
Don't keep your options open men, by telling me and my friend (at different times) we are the most beautiful girl in the club. It's not a winning strategy for a man to, when you reject him, to turn to your friend and try his luck with her. She's not blind, she can see that you've been trying to pull me all night.

7. We're Liberated, That Doesn't Make Us FREE
Just because we are women traveling alone, are single, and not bound to religious beliefs that forbid premarital relations, does not mean that we want to have sex with YOU. Also backpacking men, just because you are often refreshing company after goggling gringo obsessed locals, stop using your sympathy as an in, into my bed.

8. Yes, I'm Unmarried and I'd Like to Stay That Way For The Next...Few Hours
Many conversation have occurred as follows (in Spanish), "Hello"
"Hello"
"Where are you from?"
"The US, California."
"Oh, California. Are you traveling alone?"
"Yes"
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No"
"No? No one? Why not?"
First of all I am insulted that as a smart woman traveling, people can't think of a more interesting question than whether or not I have a man in my life. And second, what Mr. Taxi driver, ticket seller, bar tender, fruit vendor, old man, are you planning on doing with this information?

9. Size Does Matter
Apparently it is ok to give your daughter a boob job for her 16th birthday. Young girls all over Colombia sport bad boob jobs popping out of scanty outfits. I've heard you can get one for less than $1,000 and they are so prevalent that in Cali Colombia there is even a part of the city named after this phenomenon, its called Silicone Valley.

10. Back to the Animals
Giant Land Tortoises can have sex for 2-4 hours. This is something I learned while watching the less than romantic act on Santa Cruz Island. Apparently it is quite a rare sight and we were luck to catch a glimpse, although if you are within a half mile it would be hard to miss, because the noise it tremendous.

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