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Published: February 24th 2016
I’m not sure if my words can accurately describe my Ayahuasca experiences, at times I feel like they fall short. Some of my descriptions in this blog I am satisfied with and other I struggle to find the words to do the experience justice, but I try my best! I have a few songs I listen to that portray my experiences energetically to a tee that words fail to do, but through both means of expression they come close to re-creating my spirit journeys.
This last month, beginning soon after arriving at Eco Truly Park, have been body, mind and soul preparation for Ayahuasca. I have undergone significant healing and lesson learning that have placed me in a heightened energetic vibration, I’m so fortunate. What a ride it’s been being in the flow of the universe. I have come into this retreat feeling very ready and open for spirit to show me what I need to see. My overall intention for doing this was spiritual growth.
Ayahuasca is a divine medicine placed on this Earth for our use for a reason, I believe, I have so much respect for it. DMT is present in all living things; humans, plants
and animals and is released when we die, can’t get more natural than that! When taken it is a way for us to directly connect with spirit (or universe, god, whatever you want to call the divine, but it’s all the same in the end). It opens your third eye chakra allowing this communication with spirit.
Fun Fact: The late Dr. Wayne Dyer, an influential teacher of mine, would often experience the benefits of Ayahuasca and was an advocate of it. He has a podcast titled “Ayahuasca Journey”.
The retreat I chose was a 10 day, 4 ceremony one at Selva Madre Healing Center. An AMAZING retreat center in the Amazon jungle, I could not say enough wonderful things about this place and would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone! There were 11 of us in total here, 11 wonderful souls whom I love so much! 3 shamans are present for the ceremonies, 3 amazing shamans! Each ceremony is in a temple and begins with the shamans whistling of the Icaros to open the dialogue with spirit. The shamans light and smoke their cigarettes, which are pure tobacco, blowing smoke into each cup of Ayahuasca .We are
then one by one given our amount of Ayahuasca to choke down. Afterwards, another Icaros is sung, then the 4 candles in the center of the temple are fanned out by one shaman. Icaros are sung on and off throughout the ceremony. The ceremonies are 2-3 hours.
Ceremony 1: Healing of the genitals
Intention: What is my purpose & mission in this life?
I arrived in the temple calmly & collectively. In the last few weeks all fears for my Ayahuasca experience have dissipated and only trust and acceptance remain. I drink a small cup of Ayahuasca, we all do on our first ceremony night, trying to observe spirit enter as I do. The shamans whistling of the Icaros enters my ears and is the most beautiful whistle I have ever heard. As I meditate on one of the four candles in the center of the temple, I weap at the Icaros’ beauty touching every cell in my being. I can feel all my cells vibrate. The start of my ascent into my natural state starts, everyone’s natural state, energy. The core of every being living and non-living alike in existence, is energy (aka matter, different name
but same thing). Simply energy J I am the first to feel the effects and do a light purge, I can feel my energetic vibration heighten and become completely aware of my true energetic form. I’m lightheaded and begin to feel my crown chakra expand and start a dialogue with spirit. I slowly lay down trying to remain open and receptive to spirit as well as focus hard on my intention. I repeat it frequently in my head. Not long after laying down I feel the need to purge once more, although not a lot is coming out as there’s a block in me. As I’m sitting up I look down and my being is an energetic grid, I see my true form! I feel SO much love for myself! Next I’m guided to my hands, encasing them is a bright white light. A sudden intense energy increases rapidly in them, buzzing ridiculously strong with energy, I just observe. The energy in my hands blows my mind! I cannot do justice with words how crazy this energy feels, indescribable. Instinctively I bring them together in prayer form and then up to my heart center. The message is loud and clear
for me, these hands will act as tools to facilitate healing to others. Which I knew in my heart as I have a draw to learn reiki. My heart is wide open during this, so much love comes in from spirit and from within myself, and increases as the journey continues. Visuals amplify, geometric shapes and energy surround me. My heart beats faster and harder, faster, faster. I can barely catch a breath, resulting in fear. Spirit tells me to “allow and trust”. I listen, and the fear fades instantly! Coming with it a surge of love placing itself into every cell of me, my heart is more open then I could’ve thought possible before, incredible. I sit with this love for a period. I am everything, I am everyone, and all separateness from all things vanishes. I feel I am all and all is me. Never before have had I felt love in this way, and I have felt love strong, but not this connected. I can feel myself in every animal I hear outside, I am every insect, every river, all! There’s no doubt in my mind what true love is anymore.
More visuals appear later in
flashy, neon signs. I focus on my intention still. These signs in green, purple, yellow and black point and say “up”. These signs are grandiose and cheesy so as not to confuse of their importance. I begin to look up and follow them. As I do I hear “not from this earth” “not from here”. The messages from Ayahuasca are said in my voice, but not me, I can easily differentiate her messages from mine. So these are repeated several times until they sink in. I’m resisting this information a bit as it’s a HUGE revelation, I purge a bit more. I feel a wave of knowing and complete acceptance wash over me, and “AHA” moment, I know. I have always known in a way actually, suddenly so much makes sense. The Icaros continue on and off throughout the ceremony and are now all sung by the shamans instead of whistled. These Icaros take us higher and higher into spirits arms. I feel undoubtedly connected. I look farther up and up and see a gathering of beings, aliens, they appear grayish. This assembly of beings is on a spacecraft parked on a dark planet. I see inside the spacecraft through
the outer layer perfectly, and I feel and see myself among them, they’re who sent me to Earth. Then a UFO with bright lights flashing the words “STAR SEED” floats by purposefully. Another “AHA” moment, that’s the name of my kind. A familiar name I have heard before in different contexts and from different sources, aka Indigo. My mother gave me a book on Indigo when I was a child, convinced I was one J This floats in front of me until I grasp it, I am a Star Seed and I am then explained by spirit my mission and purpose. It is to help raise the consciousness on Earth through love! This is all, simple, beautiful, significant. My energetic frequency heightens more, my heart expands even more, I feel SO MUCH LOVE!! But there’s more to this message, I have a partner in my mission. His face appears, my love vibration increases again. Matt, (a wonderful soul and fellow traveler I met in Peru and connected with strongly) is also a Star Seed I am told, with the same mission as I. I am taken back to the image of the UFO of beings from before and now see
Matt and myself among them. This part does not surprise me one bit, I knew this in my heart and I easily absorb this information. And together I am told we are to assist each other in our mission through our strong connection and love we share, we can accelerate our mission with the high vibration of our connection. That’s the purpose of having this energetic exchange we share, it’s meant for so much more than each other. I hold onto Matt for a moment longer and send him love, I’m so at home in his presence. After this I lay in this knowledge and soak in the love I feel within me from my higher self and the love pouring in externally. Deep into every cell of my DNA, words are limiting at describing this a bit. I feel something in my head activated in a way, something there that makes me feel so connected to Star Seed beings, hard to explain. I just feel the energy and presence from Star Seed beings race in so strong. I just feel it, bathe in it, bask in it, and send it love back.
My first time standing up was
a bit difficult, the vibration I was in made it a challenge to ground. But I feel myself assisted by spirit as I begin to walk, I open the door to the temple and it seems like spirit is doing so more than I. The other few times I go outside to use the bathroom if feels the same. Like spirit is assisting me through me on some grand journey to the bathroom, lol. It feels like such a divine mission at the times. Laying back down after the first time, in my cozy blanket of love I find myself trying to think a bit too much and spirit tells me to stop and just be. It’s my ego trying to process, I purge. Now a little ego battle begins to arise in me, I constantly try to surrender ego but ego is a strong-willed bastard who doesn’t give up easily. I’m still in a state of pure love but I can feel the conflict too. Also there are moments when I can feel fear arise a bit, and have brief images of snakes, but then I send it love and it vanishes instantly. I try hard to allow love to overtake ego. I then am shown an image of my ego in tiny fragments all around me ascending upwards, reminds me of a factory assembly line. They mostly go up without a struggle but not all. More purging. I welcome all the purges with open arms, I know they’re all beneficial as they remove blockages and negativity, I try hard to not fight any purges. I find them so relieving. At times I can feel little fragments of my ego dissolve which makes the other fragments more desperate to hold on it seems, but I don’t stop fighting back.
Talk with the Shaman the next day- He gives me 3 recommendations for a spiritually peaceful life: Don’t talk bad about other people, forgive always and be happy for other people (don’t be jealous ect.) Also meditate every day, very important he says.
I want to share a dream I recorded a year ago that may or may not have been a message. I have always felt it was important for me for some reason though. This is taken directly from my journal:
February 10, 2015.
“I’m not remembering much of this dream, but here goes what I do. Myself and another whom I’m thinking is my lover are boarded onto a space ship with other aliens. I do not fear them but I could see how they’d be intimidating. Now we’re traveling to another planet, when we land its cold. There’s no food to eat or water to drink on board so they have these chamber-like things, hard to describe, that we’re put into that mold to our body. It quickly pumps fluids, vitamins and minerals into us and restores us. It looks so strange but keeps us alive.”
Ceremony 2-Healing of the heart
Intention: Unblock and open my 7 chakras (I found out later I should not have set an intention lol)
This ceremony was indescribably difficult, I struggled SO MUCH! I’m given more Ayahuasca than before ¾ of a big cup, most of us are, and the taste is so strong this time. It is very hard to swallow without gagging. I am the first to feel the effects again, and dry heave into my bucket. The gorgeous Icaros sung during this 3 hour long ceremony touch me as deeply as the other ceremony, they just take you away. From the start I feel a strong resistance from ego from allowing and accepting spirit in. Unlike my first ceremony where I effortlessly do so, this was a fight from the get-go. I focus on my intention but I can feel Ayahuasca shrug it off and not take it seriously. She has other plans for me tonight. I’m soon taken to a battle within my psyche. The entire ceremony I remain locked in my mind battling ego, it is much harder than it sounds I assure you. I have no visuals whatsoever this night despite having taken more Ayahuasca. I’m meant to sort out my mind, to face ego without any distractions. My purging increases also tonight, both ends, but I still welcome it all and feel the benefits. This war for my mind is ruthless, my ego fights tooth and nail to remain in charge. I can’t let my guard down for even a minute. An all-out power struggle, words cannot describe the torment and struggle I endured. The noise and chatter in my mind were running wild in there. I would sometimes find myself confused and unable to sort a thought. Old thought patterns and processes of thinking arise with a vengeance, the weapons from ego. Ones I had thought I shed and moved on and up from. My line of defense was using my new ways of thinking against ego. An all-out war man. I’d often feel drained energetically resulting in me losing power in the fight. The first time I felt that is when I realized I wasn’t receiving any energy from spirit. No love, peace, NOTHING was coming in externally like before. I was on my own tonight. I knew I had to go within myself and bring it out from there. Instinctively I pictured Matt’s face, staring into his eyes I instantly feel my heart open wide and a beautiful love energy fills every cell of me. I use this method to replenish my energy when it gets too low, to sustain my battle with ego. This process gave me a few moments of joy this night, but they were fleeting as ego would never give up its fight long. I was completely astounded at how fierce ego’s hold on our psyche really is, un-fucking-believable! Having to go internally to bring out what I need to fight for my life, my soul, essentially, was very profound. Re-iterating to me that EVERYTHING we need is inside ourselves, always is, and always was. The end of the ceremony came rather quickly for me. I couldn’t quite tell if I had won the fight over ego or diminished it by much. It was disorienting, I actually felt a bit traumatized. I understand how important this experience was for deep healing and soul growth, extremely necessary. From pain such as this comes something greater. The next day I am left feeling like a fragile little child. I am not quite sure how to integrate everything at first. I can feel my identity crumbling in pieces around me from this, and I focus today on just allowing this to occur. I practice the Vipassana way, lol, of observing objectively my emotions, thoughts and energies in me, keeping in mind to just allow any change to flow, and observing what could still be ego and what feels like the natural me.
Talk with shaman- I am assured that deep healing did occur in that ceremony, everyone goes through this at some point, an ego death essentially. He says after the fourth ceremony my soul will be free. When I give birth my child will have no karmas or bad energies attached. Apparently we are not supposed to set intentions for the first 3 ceremonies, but only for the fourth one ceremony.
Ceremony 3- No Intention-Healing of the mind
This ceremony was the epicenter of the true essence of life for me. I felt the authentic form of my humanity and of my soul in its entirety, separately and together. I had nearly no visuals, aside from a few at the start, a sunset, witches, shapes and an image of the ocean. Love encompassed me energetically in 100 different vibrations and frequencies. I felt love in every single way a being could and then some. There were points where parts of my body convulsed from the input of this energy, I welcomed it. I was all the love in the entire universe and all the love in the entire universe was I. This love pouring in was strong, firm and grounding. Different variations of the love I felt on the first ceremony but equally as magnificent. True uninhibited love in every way imaginable. I lay in this love trying to soak in every drop as much as I could, I practiced mindfulness as fiercely as I could. The words “riding ecstasy” would play in my head from time to time, as I would try and search for some words, aka symbols, to portray my state and these two words sum fit it perfectly. Much of my night was spent in the no-though state, just lying and observing the gorgeous love vibrations. A few times I cried tears of joy as well. I am so grateful I was able to experience this on Earth, I thought I had previously as I have experienced many different shades of love, but now I realize how insanely dimensional it is. I had a few moments as well where this love overwhelmed me and I almost felt like I couldn’t handle it, the intensity is ferociously incredible. Having this occur will be so vital in my mission on Earth, I want to share this to whatever degree I can with others. I can access this love whenever I want, it’s always going to be in me, it’s a part of me. And a part of everyone but so many people don’t know it (I didn’t for the longest time) I just need to show them how. This re-affirms my drive towards my purpose so strongly, this love NEEDS to be felt by others. This is what can truly change the world 😊
Ceremony 4-No Intention-Healing of the spirit
I drink a full, big cup, I want to go deep tonight! I am in a place of acceptance and allowance to whatever spirit wants to share with me tonight. It hits me fast, another night of love! The love is strong and grounding again, similar to before but a different energy to it. I can’t get over how many variations of love I can feel, I am so fucking lucky! Basically, I spend the first while feeling the human experience. It is hard to explain, but I have different visions of my human body walking on the earth, lying in the grass, surrounded by trees but feeling very human. In a primal and innocent way. Mindfulness in these feelings and visions is my theme, I just observe this experience and not think about it. Being completely present is very important in these moments and I just feel the strength of my humanity and own it! At the same time I feel as though spirit is cradling me in love, and showing me how important it is to really live and appreciate every moment on earth and be mindful of those moments, it’s not outright said but instead felt. A little while later, after much appreciation for the human experience, I am brought to a very important vision. It builds onto the message about my mission on earth I learnt in the first ceremony. I am shown in a vision a retreat type center in nature, not sure where exactly. I see myself in an authority position at this place, maybe running it or at least facilitating a workshop. I know my direction to go in now to carry out my mission of raising the consciousness on earth through love, what I am shown makes so much sense with who I truly am, it just clicks perfectly!! I believe that duality is at the core of all life, a least life on earth. The core essence of the human soul embodies duality I believe, with male and female energy. These energies are at the root of all living things on earth. I came to this realization through observation over time in my life and an inner knowing. Now, I believe most babies are born with these energies completely in balance having just come from the divine source, and as we start to grow up and become conditioned by many external sources, parents, family, friends, school, society, media, ect, these energies become unbalanced. As a result of unbalanced energies, we run into a wide number of spiritual and emotional issues, vague I know lol but it can be so different as every soul is unique. Over years and years of conditioning, men and women tend to be in touch with only one half of their energies, mainly males to the male energy and women to the feminine energy. In the western world I think it’s a fucking tragedy how men are encouraged to completely disconnect to their feminine energy, they’re shamed to. Women as well are encouraged towards only being in touch with the feminine part of them. I am lucky to be fairly balanced in both of my energies, I feel and have kind of always felt my male energy is strong in me. In turn making me very empathetic to the plight of the male separation from their feminine energy. So I was given the message that my vision will be a place where men and women from all over can come to get in touch and balance their energies, in a safe and supportive environment. Becoming balanced in these energies is vital to the path to spiritual ascension. I wasn’t told what exactly will take place here or exactly what my role will be, spirit has a way of telling you things without always being specific or outright. I was shown enough and I can fill in the blanks. I envision for myself a number of different workshops, I would put a strong emphasis on vulnerability, as it is a key ingredient to true transformation, which I know from experience! This vision was exactly what I dreamed mother Ayahuasca would show me. I didn’t set an intention this ceremony as I wanted to see what she felt she needed to show me, and I got exactly that!!! Mother Ayahuasca tailors each ceremony to each person’s needs, it’s so god damn fascinating. No two ceremonies are ever the same for every single person that’s ever done Ayahuasca. After my vision I am filled with immense love and gratefulness, this vision fits me so well. I soak in these emotions and spend the rest of my time mindfully basking in them. I don’t purge by puking much tonight, mostly the other end. Once the ceremony is over and I’m back in my room I purge this way for the next several hours. It amazes me that I can still have this stuff in me after purging so much and eating so little over the retreat time. I come to the conclusion my body feels reborn, truly after all this. I am in the cleanest state I have ever been, it feels so good!
Wow, I feel like I have learned SO MUCH from this retreat. From the Ayahuasca itself to the connections I shared with the other people at this retreat. It’s all been so very transformative! One lesson I learned from the others here is the importance and unfairness in judging others. I am aware of how toxic it is to do this but sometimes I still catch myself doing it unfortunately. Judging is so limiting of your own growth and of someone else’s. I unfairly had judgements about a few people at this retreat in the beginning, and those people ended up being the ones that I learned the most from and really affected me. It’s reaffirmed to me the importance of not judging! Another lesson and thing I have healed from is my shame in all the drugs I used to do. I am very open about the fact that I used to be an addict and have nothing to hide, but I have not shaken my shame from it. Many other people in this retreat openly talk about experimenting with hallucinogens significantly, but in a consciously aware way. They use them, mostly lol, to open and expand their consciousness, which is exactly why I wanted to use Ayahuasca. There is really no difference. Through listening to them I have gained a respect for their drug use, unlike before. Although some of the people here had abused drugs as well, which I can empathize with since that is how I had used drugs in the past. I have changed my point of view on drugs now and completely believe that certain drugs, like acid, mushrooms, DMT, ect. can be used to benefit and enhance your spiritual growth. For myself I don’t think I will use anything other than Ayahuasca or DMT, and only when I feel called to do them. Could be a year from now, could be 5 years, who knows. The last big lesson I learned from my own experience here and others is to not think, process and analyze life too much. Just freakin’ be!! Before the retreat I did over-analyze and over-think a bit too much. I think it’s useful to a point but it’s also very useful to give your mind some quiet time to do its own thing lol. On Ayahuasca I was shown to just accept and allow what is, many times, not reason and rationalize everything all the time. Just feel, just be, just love!
What I have learned through experience as the formula to peace: Vulnerability=healing=living in the heart space (aka following intuition and being true to your higher, true self)=freedom(aka love, peace and joy) This is my personal discovery on my long journey and what I believe to be true as of now. Of course many other things and qualities are important too but these are the roots I think. I am fully aware this can change the more I learn and grown, so maybe in the next few years this formula could change. Overall my Ayahuasca retreat was the best thing I have ever done for my soul, seriously!!!! If you feel the calling, answer it, but do your research carefully for the right place to do it. Iquitos is known for having many dark shamans that want to harm. Selva Madre is NOT one of those, those shamans are complete angels who I could not recommend enough 😊
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gina kousal
non-member comment
youre an inspiration
I love it! Thanks for sharing your blog so rapidly. It feels so raw. I am so glad you had this experience. Now you will go into life with purpose. You are a being full of love. THAT is inspiring. I am glad i met u. I love that you learnt the importance of vulnerability. I also want to work in work shops. Perhaps we can work together. We did meet for a reason. I look forward to keeping in touch. Love you lisa And thanks for being you, you alien and loving soul ;)