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Published: September 22nd 2015
The different illusions and fusions of peace
I have been on one long, often times exhausting, quest for personal peace let me tell ya folks! Happiness as well, but for me the two go hand in hand. I want to share some of my personal history in this area before diving into my time at the retreat, shits going to get personal peeps!
It started where it does for countless others, or at least passes by at some point, in intoxicants. Beginning with cigarettes, weed, and alcohol in middle school. Then I found the harder drugs; mushrooms, ecstasy, mdma, other weird concoctions of chemicals, cocaine and even crack. To say I was a mess would be an understatement! Many years of my life were invested in the short and sweet relief provided by these substances. Out of desperation I turned to the ‘professionals’ for help, got prescribed paroxatene, and felt even more disconnected! When I look back at the young girl lost in this soul-sucking world, I feel so much sorrow for her, but it’s what I was meant to live. As every life experience is valuable and necessary for the lessons we must learn. I extended my search to every area that I could; friends, boyfriends, shopping (clothes, shoes, make-up, posters, cd’s, magazines, candles, chocolate, pretty much anything that could bring me even a moments joy). I’m sure this sounds familiar for many of you! For years I looked for peace in every external place possible, every place except for in myself, the one place it is always guaranteed to be found, but took me a long time to understand. I kind of starting to catch on to this about 4 years ago, when I reached what was for me rock bottom. I was so exhausted from the battle I was fighting with life, the battle I was creating and sustaining. I knew I had to make some step towards change or I may be a lost soul forever. I detested the way I was living my life, sick of being ashamed, making excuses, being sorry, a word which I wore out the meaning of. I got myself clean from everything (at least the drugs), stopped taking paroxatene, and started changing my diet, becoming obsessed like I tend to do lol. Spending an obscene amount of time researching articles on food, benefits from different foods, superfoods, the dangers of GMO’s, Monsanto, chemicals put into our foods, and much more. I got the thought that through healthy foods I could find peace; incorporating as much nutritional food as I could into my diet, cutting out food like products and chemicals, I even got rid of my microwave! This made a noticeable difference for sure, but no peace was found yet. Hmmm…I did some more research on alternative health methods and added some yoga, binaural beats, and a few forms of mediation into my lifestyle, though never quite to the daily routine point. Several forms of meditation were tried; guided ones from youtube, kundalini, staring into a candle flame, Sanskrit mantra chanting and focusing on breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. They were nice and calming, but not exactly what I was lookin for. One day the thought popped into my head about trying reiki, and I found an amazing woman Nancy to do it with. We did usui reiki, angelic reiki (my fav) and ascended master reiki, I received it for about a year. There were some powerful, healing sessions indeed, and I appreciative reiki immensely. The permanent peace I was searching for still eluded me though, unfortunately, I really thought this was it. Nancy recommended reading/listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer, and explained his theories on how changing your thoughts can change your reality. Instantly after watching one of his many lectures on youtube I was sold! It deeply resonated and clicked with me, an ‘aha’ moment strongly occurred! I completely threw myself into this theory of mindfulness of thoughts and the power of positive ones, I tried very hard to be aware of mine as often as I could. This all occurred at the most exciting of times in my life; just a few months before I would be heading out on a year long travelling journey! The mix of all this was explosive to my psyche; ask any of my friends or coworkers how my happiness level was around March/April, ha ha they’d tell ya I was a ball of energetic bliss! I tapped into a powerful as hell joy vibration that I took full advantage of, it felt better than any intoxicant I ever ingested in the past! I truly thought this was it for me, I really found it now, and it would last forever! This dancing on cloud 9 soared until around June, when someone I had cared about passed away, although we weren’t super close for years, but nonetheless I had loved her. After hearing this news I allowed the old negative thoughts and energies to take hold of me once again. So naturally this snowballed and attracted more and more and by the time I realized it and was ready to come out of it, it was too late. I resumed my mediations, positive mindfulness and tried to find my way back, I got a little ways but some block was in place that was very difficult to move past. The last few months since I’ve been in a little funk, so I’ve resumed my peace search with a vengeance! Which is what led me to this retreat, the 10-day silent Vipassana Meditation retreat. I am determined to find permanent, unshakeable peace, and am willing to search in just about any area to find it. As I get deeper into my mission I realize how each thing I come across ties into the previous one; like the Vipassana connects to the mindfulness thinking for example. I was in the right direction, I just needed to take one more step. I’m finding little pieces of the peace puzzle the more I carry on. Each piece really has a connection to the last one and a clue to the next.
10-day Silent Mediation Retreat!
The lowdown:
Vipassana (pronounced Vi-pash-na) is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. Long lost to humanity, it was rediscovered by Gotama the Buddha more than 2500 years ago. The word Vipassana means seeing things as they really are. It is the process of self- purification by self-observation. One begins by observing the natural breath to concentrate the mind. With a sharpened awareness one proceeds to observe the changing nature of body and mind and experiences the universal truths of impermanence, suffering and egolessness. This truth-realization by direct experience is the process of purification. The entire path (Dhamma) is a universal remedy for universal problems and has nothing to do with any organized religion or sectarianism. For this reason, it can be freely practiced by everyone, at any time, in any place, without conflict due to race, community or religion, and will prove equally beneficial to one and all. This retreat is all donation based, based on your experience you give what you can and think is fair, keeping in mind it contributes to another person being able to participate in this retreat in the future.
The rigorous schedule:
4:00 am Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 am Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00 noon Lunch break
12noon-1:00 pm Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 pm Dinner for new students; lemon water for old students
6:00-7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm Question time in the hall
9:30 pm Retire to your own room--Lights out
The portion sizes of the meals are a big adjustment; I generally eat at least twice the amount they served us! Ex meals; 2 ladles of oatmeal with 2 slices of bread and honey, 2 ladles of fruit chunks, 1 scoop of rice with a scoop of chop suey ect. I felt like I was gonna starve some days ha ha!
The men and women are kept separated at all times except for in the meditation hall to avoid any distractions. Women must wear modest clothing as well, no tank tops, tight pants or shorts. We get a grass area to walk around in during our breaks, many of the people lay around or pace here.
Some people have private, cell like rooms (like me), some have one roommate while others have four beds in a room.
We are to give up all of our electronic devices when we enter the retreat. We are not allowed to read, write (which I cheated on starting day 5), listen to music, have any contact with the outside world. We are deprived of most stimulation to diminish any distractions and have complete focus on ourselves.
There’s no eye contact allowed whatsoever!
From 7 until 815-830 ish we must listen to the discourse from S.N.Goenka, which is basically him talking about an assortment of things; his teachings, theories, instructions on the mediation, stories (oh so many stories) ect. Sometimes I enjoyed it, he has a lot of wisdom that resignated with me, I took what I wanted and left the rest behind. He had long stories that sometimes would drag on and on and I would zone the fuck out lol, and at times his thick Indian accent would be very hard to understand and would sound like another language to me! He does have a good sense of humor though which helped matters.
Before and after every group meditation Goenka would speak and/or chant for 2-40 ish minutes. At times this would get on my nerves and I couldn’t wait for him to stop lol, he talks a lot man! I would practice observing objectively often in these moments.
-Generally between meditations there are 5 minutes breaks, aside from the morning one which is 2 straight hours.
Day 1
-Honestly was pleasantly surprised by the lack of pain I felt, fuck yeah!
- We started with one of three preparation meditations, focusing on breathing in and out of your nose, sounds easy enough right? Wrong, focusing on this for 10 ½ hours without controlling is a wee bit difficult! As expected my mind wanders....and wanders......
what am I going to do after this retreat.....i should have smuggled in some cookies, how will I survive without cookies for 10 days....and wanders.......
I wander when Jack White is going to put out another album......."I know that you want more, but would you fight for, my love" (Jack white song lol)
-I found myself thinking about my momma often, have this intense daydream of her sitting next to me while I’m lying on my bed, felt pretty real, have a little breakdown
- I savour my dinner, I WANT to eat slowly and taste it as much as I can. I have a competition with myself to eat the fruit slower than I ever have before ha ha.
- Tiredness is ever present, attempt to nap on my breaks to no avail
-I choose to do all the meditations in the hall, some we have the option of being in my room, but I focus better in the hall, no sleeping temptations lol.
Day 2
-Pain wise I’m still dealing ok, a little pain started in my lower back though
-Still focusing on breath today, during the evening discourse we learn a new preparation meditation; focus on sensations on inner/outer nostrils & skin above upper lip, I find this easier.
-Sensations can be; hot, cold, ticking, prickling, itchiness, vibration, pressure ect. Anything
-So far I’m liking the food, aside from the small portion aspect, the majority is flavorful, quickly becoming what I look forward to most in my day. We don’t really need to eat a lot though when we expend nearly no energy physically.
-Everyone noticeably begins to move slower, in nearly every manner, aside from this one neurotic woman that paces at the same pace every single break, quite strange!
-Feeling a bit lonely today, craving a hug ha ha. I talk to the teacher, Boris, during the 12-1 Q&A about how to manage pain, he says to focus the mind more on the sensations and it should leave in the next day or two. His aura is so warm & pure, I almost ask for a hug ha ha.
-Have another mini breakdown over my mom again, think about her a lot today
-My body is starting to become stiff, every part!
-Layed in the grass and observed the most gorgeous night sky, haven’t done this in too long, when the bell rings for meditation it’s painful to leave this moment.
Day 3
-Have dream with old friends from middle school
-Think about how this place is pretty similar to prison, although a most peaceful prison, and if you were to see my room you couldn't deny it's pretty much a prison cell.
-Pain is definitely increasing, my left thigh & right knee are becoming bothersome, and my lower back is throbbing
-Try napping again, NOPE!
-Eating every meal slowly is becoming an effortless habit, I enjoy it and it also helps you to feel fuller I find. I’m thinking I tend to overeat normally.
-Having major flashbacks from the past, good and bad, things I haven’t thought about in forever! While lying in the grass on a break, which is also becoming a habit, I get hit with a feeling of excitement & joy I had when I was about 9 or 10 about to do something fun. Lol, weird…..yes! But I love it!
-Going between feelings of joy and sadness, my emotions are beginning to have ups and downs more frequently
-I am constantly fighting with myself when I do the odd mediation in my room to not just sleep or lay down instead lol, the temptation is fierce, but I resist
-The last preparation meditation is solely focusing on the sensations occurring on the skin of the upper lip, I find this the easiest mediation so far.
-The discourse tonight Goenka mentions emotions are bound to surface “to clean a wound the puss needs to come out”
-Most of my thoughts today are about my sister, during one meditation that’s all I thought about, mostly how grateful I am to have her in my life
-One break is spent staring at a tree the entire hour, lol, I seriously love trees nowadays...love them!!
Day 4
-Have dream with old friends from elementary school
-Pain peaks today, rises up my back to about the middle, fuckin intense. Also very stiff, everything hurts
-Finally the actual Vipassana meditation 'meditation of strong determination' is taught, oh lordy this is a hard one folks! We must not open our eyes or move an inch of our body. This is immensely harder than it may sound, it's advised to try as hard as possible not to move but nothing is said if we do. This is a 2 hour meditation, no breaks, hardcore! The pain in my back got excruciating, I couldn’t sit through much more than an hour before I try to move to the wall where a few others are sitting, but they have previous back issues, and I get kicked off. I have a 2 year old tantrum inside about it
.. I am a grown ass woman lady, if I want to sit on a fucking wall I should be able to sit on a fucking wall, you guys just love torturing people don't you, you're all sick!!! I silently cry and bend over every minute for the rest of the meditation, I’ve never had this kind of pain in my back before. Vipassana meditation (there’s different stages of it); beginning on the top of your head, a small area on your scalp, observe the sensation then slowly move to the sides of your scalp and go down to the base of your skull, then do the back of your head. Continue with your face starting at your forehead moving to your chin. ‘Part by part, piece by piece’. Moving from your throat to your belly, slowly, same with your back, all the way to your feet. I call these body scans, so you continue slowly with these over and over and over again ha ha, as the days go one these progress and vary in little ways.
-I get hit with a feeling while observing and walking in the designated women’s grass area of how, when I was about 9 or 10, I viewed other women my age then, lol weird…yes! Shortly afterwards I think to myself “If any outside person were to see all us women strolling around with our eyes on the ground surely they would think this place a mental institution!”
-While lying in the grass this afternoon I saw the outline of the clouds make a heart, how cute ha ha.
-Finally gave up on the idea of napping, totally fruitless every time, from here on out I spend nearly every break on the grass either laying or walking.
-Realize the importance of stretching, stretch whenever possible
-Many more memories surface from over the years, suppressed emotions are slowly oozing their way out of me as a result.
Day 5
-The “I WANNA FUCKING QUIT THIS SHIT DAY” that everyone has! Worst pain yet, worst breakdown as well. One of the girls on the orientation day told me “it’s usually after the worst day that a breakthrough happens and something greater awaits.” I try to keep this in my mind a lot today as I suffer. Back pain is blinding, burning and sharp, I really try hard to focus on the mediation but the pain is so fierce it’s impossible. I last about a minute before I have to collapse either forwards or backwards, this goes on all day…..for about 5 1/2 hours. The other 5 hours I meditate in my room on a chair. Previously I’d push myself to mediate in the hall as frequently as possible….not today, fuck that!!!
-Walked by a room today and a vicks vapor rub smell escapes from it. Instantly a memory appears from when I was a child and I was sick and my mom rubbed me down with vicks vapor rub.
-During the group meditation in the morning small groups of students are called to the front for a question from the teacher and a quick meditation in front of him. The teacher asks each of us about the sensations and pain we’re having. A few girls previously had little breakdowns with him about the pain. When it’s my turn myself and another girl have one as well, it’s comforting for me. I barely get my response out to him before I crack. The other girl, Chelsea, tells Boris the pain is making her want to vomit it’s so bad between her cries. I so badly want to hug her and tell her I understand!
-During the Q&A I start to ask Boris about sitting on the wall for the rest of my time here, before I can finish a huge swell of emotion pours out of me, like a faucet being turned on the highest pressure. It caught me by surprise actually how intense it was. I haven’t had this much emotion escape since my grieving period when my mother died. Eventually I get my point across, lol, and he, most compassionately, explains to me how I need to let Vipassana work for me, it will work if I surrender and focus hard. When I overcome this pain than that’s when you understand Vipassana. “Let it work for you, it will train your mind to be strong.” We make a deal that if I suffer through the rest of the day then tomorrow I can be on the wall.
-For the rest of the break I’m in my room continuing my breakdown. The cries feel like I’m releasing some deeply buried emotions, I now I need to let it out. It feels so good in the end, very much needed.
-The afternoon group meditation is a struggle, when you have pain to this degree, it’s mighty hard not to focus and obsess over. I really do try but last about 1 ½ body scans before collapsing, fuck am I ever pushing myself man. So I make it 2-3 minutes, bend for 30 seconds-1 minute, and alternate this, for HOURS!!!
-During the last meditation I make it 2 full body scans before breaking, woo hoo, progress!
-The discourse tonight I found quite interesting, taking what I resonate with and leaving the rest, here’s a summary of what he said tonight: Attachment is the cause of all misery, attachments of all varieties like; the ego (I, me) food, friends, comfort, love, adrenaline, materialistic possessions, the list could go on forever. As a result of attachments, cravings are formed for these, stealing the present moment. Craving and aversion are two sides of the same coin; developing aversion for something is equal to craving the opposite of that “something”. We don’t desire things in themselves, but only the sensations we associate them with, and if you observe these objectively, not claiming them as yours and feeding them, then it can help to diminish the craving. If the craving is denied for whatever reason then misery follows suit. Of course not every craving can be satisfied all the time as everything in the universe is in constant state of change. Everything is matter, and matter is ever changing. He says that by doing Vipassana it can penetrate to the deeper levels of your mind, with lots of work and time, and help to retrain your mind and thought patterns.
Day 6
-I have a great morning meditation, on a chair in my room, I’m really pushing myself, and makin me proud! Lots of memories from an old relationship, which usually would make me upset to think about, but I tried the viewing objectively thing and felt almost no emotion, boo ya!
-I choose not to go to the wall, I think of how many millions of people in the world have conquered their meditation pain and am determined to be one of them!
-Lots of happy/excited swirlings occurring in my tummy!
-Wow do I crave a lot, more food, sleep, meditation to end, more more more……what does it do for me? Nothing beneficial, creates stress and sorrow. Accepting what you are dealt in the moment, as long as it’s not truly disturbing your peace, is much easier and doesn’t steal time from your life from you. Don’t get me wrong I think wanting is perfectly fine, but to crave is to obsess which is not useful. What is the whole point of craving anyways? Whatever you crave (cigarettes, chocolate, booze, sex ect) comes to an end or changes inevitably, always will.
-Amazing meditations overall today, getting a fucking breakthrough finally!!!! The pain lessened, had feelings of pure bliss & love course through my whole body. I wanted so badly to get up and run around ha ha and cry tears of joy. Sounds crazy I know, but damn it felt good! Such a great day. Once you get to the point of fully surrendering to the present and accepting it life is so much easier, but it takes work. When you think about it, if you can keep your peace of mind while your whole body is tortured by horrible sensations, daily frustrations become easy to deal with! For my last meditation, the last 5 minutes the pain significantly subsided, and I didn’t need to move! I so badly wanted to tell someone…..but being silent and all I could not.
Day 7
-This morning’s meditation was a little discouraging, very hard to concentrate. Feelings of agitation were arising from me as well as anger. Weird for me, I almost never feel anger, so I knew it was more ‘puss from the wound’.
- AMAZING morning group meditation, woo hoo, I seriously pushed the shit out of myself! I layed down the law and focused hard! Normally the option of going to your room for the next meditation is there, but not today for new students, we must remain in the hall, 3 hours, I’m terrified! I focus, focus and focus!! Remarkably, I get deep into my meditation to the place of actually observing my pain…objectively, oh my sweet jesus I did it!! I observed it but didn’t identify it as mine, what a surreal space in your mind to be in! I just moved on with the body scans and didn’t give weight to the pain and it didn’t bother me, crazy! This only lasts though for a few minutes and then it’s a battle with my mind as it’s used to identifying it and this cycle continues, but I keep fighting! The fact that I know I can gain this bit of control of my mind is unbelievable. So in this 3 hours I keel over from the pain only twice, huge progress baby! This shit is powerful, I’m sold lol! Goenka’s words “Remain perfectly equanimous, understanding the law of impermanence” plays over in my head for support.
Day 8
-My mood is a god damn rollercoaster man, the agitation is coursing through me, and my whole body gets a hot feeling like when you’re angry. My mind was running wild during the meditation this morning too.
- An itchiness has come over me, I don’t have bug bites or anything, and there’s a big pressure in my head
-I got a random whiff of chlorine and a memory from when I was about 12 swimming at the pool with old friends comes to mind
-INTENSE group meditation, tons of thoughts of my mother arose, then a strong image of her appeared in my minds eye and would NOT leave! I tried to get it out but it wouldn’t budge. Then old feelings of grief crept up and hit me hard! I have to leave the meditation hall to release in the bathroom, and no one’s around so I get to be as loud as want thank god. Flowing out of me are seriously deep rooted emotions, they come out so fast my head spins. I let them flow, and once they do it feels so relieving. I spend quite bit of time releasing, and by the end I know it was more than my mother I was crying over.
-For the next few hours after, this sounds so strange I know lol, but I feel like I can smell exceptionally well ha ha, feels like I’m smelling things for the first time weird again…yes!
-These peaks and valleys of my emotions are a trip, I feel pure bliss during the next meditation!
-I still having a hard time with the pain during the next meditation, I’m struggling to get to the place of observing it but after trying persistently I arrive periodically.
Day 9
-Woke up with more agitation again, yay!
-Morning meditation was little hard to get into, then I achieved a beautiful joy. Nearing the end I wasn’t doing the body scanning but went to a thoughtless, still place within my mind. I was able to hold that place for several minutes without any thought, it was so peaceful, longer and much easier than in the past.
-Next phase of meditation is taught; once you can scan all parts of your body head to toe and toe to head simultaneously in a continuous free flow, then you can start on examining the inside of your body. I haven’t been able to get there yet, one day though.
Day 10
-I’m noticing how I feel a little more childlike. I think the path to enlightenment brings you back to that place, where you can find joy in almost anything, you see the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen 20 times a day ha ha, everything is an adventure, you (almost) never seriously worry, it’s effortless to just be in the moment.
-Noble silence breaks at 10 am today. The explosion of voices was immediate and intense. So much laughter and joy poured out of every person. The energy level of the compound was a bit overwhelming for me honestly.
-Talking at first was not easy, I couldn’t quite get my words out of my mouth in a proper sentence lol! I quickly took to just listening to others for a while, a part of me felt I wasn’t ready to jump into it too fast. By lunchtime I felt it was time and had some great conversation with two other girls at my table. We shared our similar experiences and took much comfort in them, the laughter and positive energy from all of us was infectious! There was a moment I peered around the room to see numerous elated, beaming faces surrounding me.
-We receive our electronics back, and I am over the moon to have my IPod. I think music was the number one thing I missed! My one true love lol!
-I am thankful we are given a day to integrate speech back into our reality before entering the world again.
This retreat was definitely something I am glad I was a part of. I gained a lot of insights, new perspectives and tools to continue my peace journey. I would say this was the most challenging thing I have
ever voluntarily put myself through, I am so proud of myself for doing this! Did I find that permanent peace I oh so long for? No exactly, but glimpses of it. Did I find the tools to get there? I think so. The breakthrough moments that occurred and those moments of pure, uninhibited bliss and peace are indicators to me that this can do it for me if I continue working “diligently and patiently”. This really reiterated to me the fact that achieving peace is a battle, that needs to be fought constantly, but with persistence it can be won! I thinking I’m onto something powerful here and am determined to incorporate these meditations (2 hours a day are recommended) into my lifestyle. Challenges will be faced as my current way of life is not too stable and I live in dorm rooms half the time!
I have so much more to learn in this world, so who knows what the next piece of my peace puzzle will be!
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Emilie
non-member comment
Retreat
Hi Lisa, thanks for the article :) Could you please let me know what the name of the retreat was? I’m currently living in Nicaragua and would love to do a silent retreat, but I barely find actual places online...