Happy New Anus*

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I sometimes forget the awesome power of Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer. I played it for my students and they’ve been since testing my enduring love for the tune by requesting I put it on repeat for entire hours at a time. There’s not even a dissenting voice who agrees with me that we should occasionally change the song. Welcome to 2009. I spent Christmas like I imagine most of you did, salsa dancing until four in the morning. Christmas truly is the season of giving for me as each year I never receive any presents other than the ones I buy myself. This year I went with some art supplies and a new video game which incidentally was exactly what I wanted. My salsa Christmas was spent with some friends from Bogota and the captain of police who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. It turns out that even after so many years here I’m not such a premium dancer, explaining why so few ladies wish to be carnal with me.** I spent a few days in Santa Marta after school got out and then jumped on an overnight bus to Bogota. I was treated on the way to an Argentine comedy about how funny it is to cheat on your wife while on vacation in the Dominican. No cultural reinforcement of infidelity as the norm going on. Part of the reason I think Desperate Housewives is such low brow garbage. Bogota’s a great city to be not hungover in. The mornings are beautiful and sunny (at least at this time of year) and the afternoons are chilly and rainy. Something that’s really awesome about taxi drivers. Normally when someone is robbing you, you don’t have to spend time with them chatting amiably first. I think it’s the façade of good nature bothers me almost as much as them assuming I’m a retard and don’t know the proper price. This having been said, I had maybe the best taxi driver of my life one day in Bogota. We were listening to a hits of the 80’s and 90’s station and this guy, who spoke no English was phonetically belting out the song Zombie by the Cranberries. He took it to town and me to the cleaners when it came time to pay the fare, but worth every peso. It helps that the word zombie is pronounced the same in Spanish (biters). I realize I tend to bring up zombies an inordinate amount of the time but that’s only because they are frequently on my mind. I’ll try and keep them out of future blogs if at all possible. That’s not a new year’s resolution, just a general guideline meant to be broken, like last year’s “try to stop laughing at midgets” which, being prohibited, only happened more. BTDub, Marvel Zombies where the marvel universe gets infected by a zombie virus is a great graphic novel, Josh got it for Christmas and I read it yesterday. We also have a new three player zombie fighting game, Hunter: The Reckoning. Here’s my problem with fallout shelters: Even should there be a fallout or some other disaster that proves these people correct in building such devices are we sure we want them forming the adams and eves of our future civilization? They should let the more high minded part of the population use them should such an event come to pass, like doctors, scientists and 4th grade teachers.
Last year I posted on new year’s eve and Al mentioned that like his loving wife it would be a good time to do a year-end review like everyone else on the internet, and although it’s well past the 1st it seemed like a good idea.
Five Things I Learned This Year:
1. It’s groomsman or bust, ushering’s for the birds.
2. I know very little.
3. I am not physically fit.
4. I barely know how to swim and I’m not exactly sure when I forgot how.
5. Life w/o a maid is an endless mind-numbing tedious series of cleanings.
Best Book I Read in 2008:Steinbeck’s Cannery Row or Koestler’s Darkness at Noon.
Stupidest Thing I did in 2008: Chiva, enough said. Breaking up a street fight in Buenos Aires comes in a close second.
Best Out of Town Visitors:It’s close because Colombia hasn’t been the same since Blair and Julia left and it was great to have them in country again but Team America’s creation while Tim and Erin were in town was pretty awesome. Having Scott in town barely counts because after travelling all summer together he was just like another body part, like an arm or leg, a really, really fat arm or leg.
Quote of the Year: Mrs. Erin Whitehead ~ “Retards run in small circles.” They certainly do.
2008 Evidence God Has a Sense of Humor: Bob Brady becoming a Tonganoxie police officer. I would imagine Bob is the only member of the rural Kansas police force that has lived with an openly gay black man.
Best Album I Heard in 2008: I’ll probably go with Kings of Leon with Tokyo Police Club coming in second. I don’t think TPC came out in ’08 but that’s when I heard it. Maybe Bon Iver. Or the new Jesse Malin. Or MGMT. I don’t know man, I’m not the kid from Almost Famous.
Five Things I Hope for 2009:
1. Law gets in touch with someone much cooler than Tim Healy, like me.
2. Al gets a high paying job near a ski resort. Vancouver?
3. I finish my thesis.
4. I don’t have to attend any funerals.
5. Obama lives up to some ridiculously high expectations.
I’m excited about this year’s slate of guests, which is larger than year’s past. Dad, my sister Jeni, Brian/Madhu (and India Palace?), Carly/Colin, Rachel? Miss(ed) Row Row? Remember that time like a year and a half ago when I wrecked my sister’s car? BAM! Paid off! Or at least set aside to be paid off when she gets here. All in all life is treating me extremely well these days. I’m having a fun year at work and everyone I know is reasonably healthy (although quite a few are suffering through the Great Obesity Epidemic of the 21st Century, and more and more are afflicted by this horrific disease each year). I could have done more to help my fellow man, but that seems to be the case every year, no reason to stop trying. I can’t say I’ve matured very much this year in fact if anything I’d say there was considerable regression for a number of reasons. First, I matured a lot last year and it was the least enjoyable year of my life. Second, I spend most of my waking hours with nine-year olds. Third, I am yet to see the value in it as it seems to be coupled with a swift decline in general merriment. New Year’s Eve? I went into the mountainous jungle and came out a new man - a viceless man - for the new year. I was recently engaged in the disagreeable task of cleaning a pan and wondered why all pans weren’t coated with Teflon which led me to discover that the guy who introduced the Teflon pan to the US was a KC, MO resident*** and the man who developed the City Market area (then called River Quay). Our annual pre-Carnaval Mustache Competition has begun, I feel mine will be particularly disgustingly sleazy this year. The maid always puts all the books on the bookshelf backwards so you can’t read the titles, I can’t figure out why. I love alcapparas (capers) although I can’t figure out why since they taste like olives with a touch of gasoline.

Favorite Spanish Phrase of the month: “En bolas” which means naked. Like l am en bolas, which literally translates to “I am in my balls.” Missouri is spelled misuri incidentally.

Friend of the month: This is a new feature for 2009 that I will be implementing, a competition of who was my favorite friend of the month. This month it has to be Josh who brought me some books and video games from the US. The clincher, Secret of Mana, the two player Super Nintendo game that Al and I crushed in his parents’ basement in high school and Josh and I will crush in the mountains of Colombia (the summer house).

Boycotting: Farrelly Brothers, never watching another of their piece of crap movies, other than Dumb and Dumber they suck and the last one was the worst movie ever, with a nod to American's tendency to hyperbolize.

~T

Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness. ~ George Sand.

Our uncle is like 45 but he’s a little retarded and whenever he talks to us on the phone he gets so excited he always hangs up. ~ A friend in Bogota on Christmas. Hey, if she can laugh about it, so can I.

There are two types of people in the world, Doc. Those who have a plan prepared for when the zombies take over the Earth, and those who don't. ~ Red vs. Blue

Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies? ~ Shaun of the Dead Okay, it’s out of my system. For now.

*Feliz Año Nuevo is how you say happy new years but since american keyboards don’t have the ñ which makes the proper Feliz Año possible people just type Feliz Ano Nuevo which means happy new anus. Such a little difference, so hilarious.

** Reference to the fantastic movie/book Everything is Illuminated.

*** Marion A. Trozzolo introduced the Happy Pan, prior he had been coating scientific tools.

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Photos

Probably the best moment of 2008
Or any other year.

New Years Crew
Josh, Mike, Natalia, Sammy and I at the beginning of our New Year's Jungle Dance Spectacular. There were two more people there but they didn't participate in the dance off or merriment of any kind. Maybe a resolution.

Mike and a Robot
The robot man got Mike through some tough times in his life.

Have fun storming the castle.
Mike and Josh showing why they would have made excellent pirates during a four in the morning sneak drunken scaling of Cartegena's defense walls.

Leila
The bulldog currently living with us. Her hobbies include peeing on the only square of carpet in the house, eating cds and shampoo and fighting other dogs.

Comments

[Mrs. EW]

Be kinder....
While I'm strangely honored to have uttered quote of the year, I think for 2009 I'll work on my sensitivity to those with mental disabilities.

[David]

Happy new year. Lookinig foreward to more wittiness from south of the Tropic of Cancer in 2009.