Things are changing

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I haven't written in almost a week and here I am desperate to think, express myself, go through yet another process of discovering myself. The past week has been fun but also draining and emotional. Riddled with confusion and self doubt I sit here now with desperation, dressing my wounds in El Hipopotamo. I am so frantic to write that I have opted to set the sandwich, that was presented in front of me, aside so that I can have more room to write.

Things are changing here inside The Republic of Z. The exterior changes are more obvious so we will start there. I have dyed my hair. I wanted rich dark brown hair but got a more redish brown instead. Now my hair is the exact color as my eyes. My finger and to nails are painted red and Im wearing bright yellow leggings. (I bought the largest sized leggings and they are still too small. I bought the leggings in an odd store filled with womanly objects like panyhose, soap and cleaning supplies. There were three older people in the store. The owner, his wife and a friend/customer. First they marveled at how both Spanish and English use the word "OK". Then they moved on to the novelty of having an Australian in their store, my new roomate Caitlin is an Aussie and doesn't speak much more than "No hablo Espanol" except in Argentina it is "No hablo Castellano")

To get a better idea of who I am now let's go on a field trip through my purse.

I have:

-Guia T which has all the bus routes and a subway map in it
-A guide book with good maps
-My keys
-A couple of pesos
-A pamphlete I got on the street
-A metro card with one credit
-My small moleskin journal
-A bunch of centavos
-A piece of paper with the account number and name of the person I pay rent to. On the piece of paper is also the phrase, "Quiero hacer un deposito en una cuenta" "I'd like to make a little deposit into an account"

While things are changing externaly they are changing interanly too. For the past week I have been feeling like a complete monster. I've felt moody, bitchy, and outside of the group. I've felt like it's me vs them. No one in my class seems to like me and it feels like my house is a cliche that I do not have the energy to be part of.

This is now my third attempt to write today. Like my emotions and completely unpredictable feelings I don't feel like I can complete anthing. Whenever I get started and start to flow something unexpected pops up distracting me. It's frustrating enough to not be able to write with no distractions - imagine trying to think. Trying to go through deep self evaluation and discovery. I feel at times I just need to crawl into my head and really look at things. Unfortunatly living with four extremely needy people is not helping.

I want to note that I do reconize myself as being a needy person generally needing to be with people constantly to geruntee distraction. This is not the case right now though. In me I feel insecurities and for the first time know that if I spend just a little time I can work on this. But I can't. to put it more simply I have a very good friend who knows how to cry. Often she says to me "Ive been crying all day...it feels so good" I NEED TO CRY There is no where to do this.

Let's go back to the brighter changes of my life. Yesterday morning I set out on my way to school. I leave early for most
people in BsAs (9:40). Something struck me half way down my block. They beauty of my old dirty street presented its self to me. It wasn't the weak sunshine, the old buildings or cobblestone streets. It was seeing life existing. The enviroment I live in. The enviroments people live in. Our natural habitat. I saw it not as a place to visit. There was no romantisism. Yes, that was it. There was no romantisism. I saw the place for the first time for what it is.

There has been one more change in my life too. I got a job. I have become an illegal immigrant. I feel that this could not have come at a better time. According to the news in the American papers illegal immigration is the hot topic back home. Please think about your perceptions of an illegal immigrant. Do I fall under your classification of an immigrant? If I do or don't ask yourself why. What makes me different? Really look at this please.

I see this journal changing from being about a girl who is on a tourism journey to being about a girl trying to work her way through a system where she is not legaly suppose to work. I encourage you to think of me as an alien. I will be your token illegal immigrant. Know that you are safe asking me questions and making sweeping generalizations. We are both learning. Please take note that while I am saying all of this with a bit of romantisism it is more to prove a point....to get you thinking. I am still waltzing through this country with a lot of privelage. Mainly that I know that I can go home at any point, I have people I can fall back on and I have a skill that many people want. Nor do I have any responsibilty at home or anyone I need to help support.

This leads me to one more thing. I have decided to stay and work in Argentina. Many of you know that I was planning on being here for two months and then moving to Colombia. I still plan on going to Colombia in June with Erica but I will return home to Buenos Aires.

Yesterday in class we were talking about the stages of culture shock. I realized I am only in the second stage. I feel like everything is easy for everyone else here but not me. I feel like something is wrong with me....that I am not doing anything right. I don't want to keep moving around from place to place feeling like this constantly. Mom says I am always running away from things. I want to prove her wrong for once.

New challenges in the next coming months are:

finding enough teaching hours to live off of

finding affordable housing

and warm clothes that will fit me.

SUERTE

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Comments

[Jonesface]

a rainbow is just a bunch of colors
So I dont want to get you any more down than you already are but arent you a legal immigrant who is only working illegally? I mean, it sounds like your really excited about being an alien so i hope im wrong here. And maybe everyone else is having an "easy" time because they are not there to experience things as completely as you are. Lizzz, try to make this new world yours. The market on the corner, the movie theatre in the mall, your favorite bar, these things are your world now. Forget about home. nothing changes back home. home will be the same when you decide to return, and when you do, then the culture shock really kicks in. Everything you need, you have...

[Mumsie]

the job???
more information about employment, please

[LEW E]

LIKE THE PLAN
Lizzz, Sounds like there are plenty of Argentineans who want to learn English; glad to hear you have decided to stay and teach. Is there a way to establish a work permit? Sounds like you are going to make Argentina home for awhile and tour Columbia; this is a real positive step so don't doubt your self-worth. As you teach you will befriend and influence many people; you have so much to teach and your teaching style is marvelous; should be proud of your accomplishments. At least someone has identified the adjustment stages so you know what to expect. If you need someone to talk to Lizz I'm here so call anytime. Love Lew Dad

[Scott]

$<@
Yo, if it's easier for everyone else, then you'll have gained the most when all is done. As far as being a needy person surounded by needier people, well it should: a.) help to make you more self reliant, b.) show you the view from the other side, c.) lead to new insights and opportunities for different kinds of relationships. Next time your feeling down and out, get a bottle of something tasty to uplift the spirit, go somewhere beautiful (I find water works best), drink, be and soak it up. And personally, nothing helps me get my head in order like taking pictures. As for the whole alien thing, well when I think of aliens in this country, I think of people who had the most (economically) choice portions of their country forceably annexed by our country, who are trying to bring some of that wealth back home. You, however, are (as far as I can tell) a soul searching young woman out looking for what distant lands and foriegn cultures have to teach, show and offer you. It hardly seems to be the same game. Whatever the case, may your days get brighter despite the comming of winter, and may you find at least a little of what your looking for.

[Mama]

just read it...
Can't believe I'm just reading this. But I can't think of anything to add to what others have said. Hope the "blue funk" has passed. (not to be confused with the pink, glittery cloud Kittofer's birthday card referred to)