"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

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Kia Ora Bro (hello) from Aotearoa; the land of the long white cloud.

"Everything here is more magnificent. The landscape is familiar in the sense it has been formed by rain, but the vegetation is unusual and the mountains seem so much sharper. If you're looking for what the poets used to call 'the awful' - a sense of awe - that is what you find in New Zealand. And its wild in a way that England isn't wild." - Sir Ian Mckellen

Gandalf is right, it beats the shit out of England and despite having only 4 million people there are 40 million sheep to eat... and shag. I've officially become a hippie, gypsy and wildman as the most effective way to travel is by campervan and 'freedom camping'. So 16 days and 2300 kilometres later we've seen what the North Island has to offer and so far so good only one roadkill victim, a dumb bird (feathered).

We began in Auckland, the City of Sails, with two harbours formed by the Tasman Sea to the west and the Pacific Ocean to the east framing a narrow isthmus punctuated by numerous volcanic cones. If Super Al Gore is correct about global warming Auckland will soon be submerged and New Zealand will become three islands, but the largest polynesian city in the world is built on a reservoir of magma so chances are it'll be buried first. We stayed in the suburb of Ponsonby and I was convinced we were back in any other English suburb, complete with trees that were planted in the pavements long ago that have now become so big their roots have mashed up the tarmac and their leaves block the light and eventually the drains so they've been 'trimmed' and left standing as shitty looking skeletons. It is also a lot like England in the sense its brass monkies but regardless we kicked off the trip with a drink in the 'Minus 5' ice bar - essentially a bar housed inside an industrial freezer unit and a lot of fun if you're a fan of chest infections and enjoy hypothermia. Aucklands most beloved landmark 'One Tree Hill' is actually now just a hill as Maori activists in turn chopped down the unnative pine which stood at the top as a replacement for a sacred totara that was chopped down by the British in 1852. This is probably the most symbolic reference in Maori history concerning land disputes and unscrupulous dealings during European colonisation which is now all but resolved and thankfully the Maori people have fared better than the Aborigines in not all becoming alcoholics and keeping their culture somewhat in tact. Anyway we saw a few more touristic sites around the city including the Sky Tower - the tallest tower in the Southern Hemisphere apparently (why do cities compete to build the tallest tower? It means fuck all), as well as the harbour bridge which is a smaller version of Sydneys but having got our head around where to go we headed North...

The Northland is a large peninsula steeped in Maori mythology and is also the birthplace of European colonisation and the nation as it is today. In mythology the region is known as the tail of the fish Maui as in the story of creation Maui a demigod ancestor, used the South Island as a canoe and his grandmothers jawbone as a hook to fish up the North Island. Unfortunately after that he was crushed to death between the goddess of deaths thighs who had obsidian teeth in her vagina - not gonna argue with that.
So our aim on the tail was to reach Cape Reinga, the northernmost point of the country which looks over an endless ocean as the waters of the Tasman Sea and Pacific Ocean collide. At the very tip of the cape is a spiritually significant 800 year old pohutukawa tree; souls are believed to slide down its roots as they depart this earth accordingly its frowned upon to eat or drink in the area. There are 7 sq kilometres of giant sand dunes either side of the mouth of the Te Paki stream nearby which we clambered up and down before heading south down the west coast of tail.
This is known as the Kauri coast and shelters the remnants of the ancient kauri forests that once blanketed the top of the country. These trees are ma-hu-sive, the greatest example being Tane Mahuta in the Waipoua Forest, named after the Maori forest god - with a height of 51m and an impressive girth of 13.8m he makes other trees feel like less of a tree.

Around the corner is the Coromandel Peninsula and on the east coast of this are the best white beaches the North Island has to offer. In particular, Cathedral Cove, apparently used as a set in the Chronicles of Narnia for its famous limestone arch and Hot Water Beach, where at low tide you can access an area of sand where hot geothermal water oozes from the sand; so dig a hole and watch the chinese tourists jump in fully clothed.

Next we moved south into the Waikato region and the city of Hamilton. This whole region has a veneer of conspicuous Englishness and Hamilton has more scottish pipe bands per capita than Scotland itself so unsurprisingly it also has the highest suicide rate per capita in the country... we left straight away.

We found ourselves in Rotorua, this is NZ's most dynamic geothermal area and results in the whole town smelling like a giant eggy fart and being nicknamed 'Sulphur City'. We took a walk around Lake Rotorua and the Maori village of Ohinemutu before being initiated into the phenomenon that is Zorb. Zorbing is essentially a large bouncy plastic sphere which is part filled with water then pushed down a hill with you inside. Afterwards you slide out of a small opening swiftly followed by a gush of warm water and without a fucking clue where you are, its like being born again.
The main attraction for this region is Wai-O-Tapu, meaning 'Sacred Waters', a thermal reserve which is incredibly beautiful with features including a boiling, multi-hued Champagne Pool and the Lady Knox Geyser.

South we move into the Central Plateau and Taupo. Lake Taupo is New Zeelands largest lake and sits in the caldera of a volcano the size of Singapore. It is home to the picturesque 47m bungee jump over the Waikato river. The laws of physics suggest if I do this my brain will be compressed into the top of my skull with a small chance of my eyes popping out the sockets and when you're standing on the edge your teeth begin to itch. Good times.

New Zealanders love to tramp, this doesn't involve being promiscuous or drinking heavily but it does involve long walks as this is their word for what we call rambling and the 'Tongariro Alpine Crossing' is reputedly the best one day walk in New Zealand. I don't disagree, but having traversed the 23 kilometres over volcanic geography and reaching the summit of Mt Tongariro at 1967m I was well and truly fucked. It's really not for the faint hearted and its true, coming up is much better than coming down.

Our last destination on the North Island as far south as possible is the underdog capital of Wellington, not much to say, cities are fairly same same but we got on a ferry to cross the Cook Strait into the South Island.

To be continued...

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