My Amazonian Adventure

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It was the summer of 2003 and I had acquired, through a method of bartering and manipulation the use of a boat to sail down the Amazon. I had a crew of 4 but 2 of them were struck down with malaria whilst the other one went crazy and scooped his own brains out with a spatula. I shouldnt have let him anywhere near the kitchen utensils.

I was on my own trying to traverse the harsh conditions that the Amazon was throwing at me. It was a lonely time. One night, a huge deluge started rocking my boat from side to side. I tried to cling on but was pushed overboard. I woke up to find myself on a bed of leaves being looked after by members of the Yuhup Tribe. They took good care of me and over the following days and weeks they learned to trust me. I learned the ways of their tribe and within a month I had elavated myself to position of Head Chief. My subjects prayed before me and showered beautiful gifts upon me but I knew, deep down, that this wasnt my rightful place.

A couple of weeks later, as I lay in bed with wife numbers 3 and 8, I heard the distant calls from a search party. They were looking for me. I knew it was time to leave. I said my goodbyes and bestowed the title of Head Chief on my righthand man, Chico the Pacifist. It was either him or Sanchez the Megalomaniac but for the future of the tribe, I think I made the right choice.

I grabbed wife number 11 (who was clearly the most attractive and put out more often) and made my way to the boat. Unfortunately, Wife number 11 had her Visa application turned down on my return to Britain. Damn red tape. Still, I will always remember wife number 11. Shame I cant remember her name ...

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