Five days in the country and I haven't got a job yet, but I have had an interview...

---

I'm reading about all of the lovely weather back home while I can't walk out the house without the wind turning my mane into Tina Turner circa 1980. I feel like I should be singing Proud Mary all the way down to the shops. I guess its a good thing though because while they're all snap chatting me with their bikini bodies and ice lolly poses, I'm thinking forward to November when they're all tucked up with a hot water bottles. I'm gunna absolutely bombard them with the sunniest, beachiest photos I can possibly take and I won't feel one ounce of guilt, "Oh its torrential rain is it? Here's a photo of me eating a pig off a barbeque". My time will come!

So how have I been filling my days? Well let me tell you, if there's a job within 50 miles I've applied for it. Infact, I was sat yesterday trawling through the ads when I came across this one, "do you like to have fun and get big tips?" "I DO like to have fun and I also like to get big tips", I thought to myself. I clicked on the link and it took me to a website, the welcome page mostly occupied by a half naked girl in front of a wind machine pouting her glossed up lips. Looked like if you threw her at a wall she'd stick there for days. They were advertising for dancers, bar staff and receptionists and all you needed to do was send in your cv with a photo. So I applied, for bar staff or reception you understand. I did so for the reason that most people do most things, "for the craic". Less then 20 minutes later I got a text, "come in for an interview 7pm tonight."

Not one to turn down a challenge, but also not really thinking about it logically I started throwing on makeup, not my usual makeup - the kind where you turn around and people take a step back. That's when you know you've done a great job, if people don't wince when you look at them you need more eye shadow. Using an untouched colour from my palette (appropriately named "creep") I splattered it on my eyes, one pair of false eyelashes weren't enough so I stuck on two. Luckily, I had already been outside that day so my hair was in the correct state of volume. I curled it and put on some product. Forgetting that I didn't really want the job, but really not fancying rejection, I decided to pull out the big guns. By big guns I'm talking about my La Senza Triple X bra. Not being blessed with natural curves, I've got really good at faking it. With a good bra and a little shading, you can look like Pammy Anderson in no time, even if you're as flat as Kate Moss.

So here I go, mincing on down to this bar like I'm Paris Hilton with big hips. When I arrive I'm shown to a room to fill out my application form, the first thing I do is wack out my camera because this situation is hilarious. Let me set the scene. In one corner of the room there is a full bath and shower complete with soap dispenser. The other corner, and where I'm very reluctant to sit as I'm wearing dark colours, silver space age wipe clean sofas. The wallpaper is interesting, just several photos of a blonde girl with DD's having a sponge bath, I can bet any money that the girl on the wall bares no resemblance to the girls who work in the bar. I saw one outside smoking wearing ugg boot copies and trackies, her hair extensions piled on top of her head looking like something off of Alien. I sit filling in my application form laughing to myself because my previous job was in a care home, that's quite the leap of careers there Burnett. There are other girls in the rooms around me, one by one they're called in, none of them are wearing whore makeup, like me, nor are they dressed to the nines as if they were auditioning for Pretty Woman the musical, like me.

I get called in by this giant of a man and sit down. He feebly thumbs through my application pretending that it matters to him that I was made redundant three years ago like it somehow effects my ability to smile at perverts while I serve them their drinks. Then comes the phrase I never expected I would hear in all my days, "Have you any experience working in a brothel? Because if not that could be a problem". That's when I woke up from my day long day dream and realised this is the real world and he was about to ask me if I fancied dancing. "Not unless I could wear a spanx body suit" I could've said if I'd had the balls. I didn't though so instead I let him talk and he tells me I have amazing eyes. I wanted to peel my eyelashes off, take out my contacts, put them in his hand and walk away but instead I nod politely and try to appear coy. So I'm leaving and he tells me I should come in for a four hour unpaid trial on Friday night, "I'll start as a waitress and work my way up" No thanks Hulk Hogan, I'll try my luck somewhere else.

So now today here I am, back to square one. But hey, at least I'm not a stripper... yet

---