New Zealand Uncensored! Before Watershed!

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Last week I met one of New Zealand’s most fabulous socialites. I’m attracted to fabulous people like a moth to a flame, so when my friend told me this lady had arrived to her 30^th last year in a helicopter I was in love. So that’s how I came to be in this situation, sitting in a bar that’s way out of my league; let’s just say it’s no Wetherspoons. In England I made it my mission to learn every bar price list so I knew exactly what to ask for, anything under £3 was my drink of choice. So when the waitress comes over and fills our glasses with a fancy jug full of iced water with lemon I know this is the kind of place that isn’t going to tolerate, “got any offers on?” So I order a red wine and hope for the best. When it arrives I wince and hope no one notices. To be fair the glass is giant but this is beyond ridiculous. It’s like a bottle of wine spat in a cup. I’d say I’ll have to learn to sip in this country instead of gulp since there’s not enough liquid in the glass to gulp. My friend gets it right, she orders a whisky and coke and it comes in a tall glass with a slice of lime. I’ll remember that for next time.

When I arrive home and its 5pm and everyone’s cooking dinner it becomes apparent to me that I’m rather tipsy from my four sips of wine, which by the way cost me $24 for two glasses. I promise myself I’ll steer clear of that area. Fast forward a few hours (and a few bottles of wine) and I’m drinking vodka with several strangers on my balcony. There’s nothing better than getting to know people when you’re drunk, you absolutely “adore” the same things and it’s all “omigorrrd, I luuuurve youuuu”. When in sober real life it’d be an appropriate amount of awkward silences and nodding. So I’m living it up on the balcony then suddenly I’m getting out of a taxi and what bar am I standing outside of? Only the $24 wine bar from earlier! Felt like just removing my eyes and throwing them inside, they were gunna have them out anyway. Little did I know, this was the gay area of Auckland. I was immediately in my zone and ended up spending the remainder of the evening with a gorgeous Californian called Todd. After a few hours the inevitable happened and he traded me for some 6”5 hunk with designer facial hair. Farewell true love. He said he’ll be back second weekend in September and if I believe in Serendipity (the John Cusack/Kate Beckinsale movie I’d guess) then I’ll meet him then. I’ll tell you now I’ll be sat in that bar waiting for him from August 31^st to October 1^st, that’s not creepy, IS IT. Just jokes, seriously though Todd, call me ;-)

One thing that shocks me about this country is that there seems to be no watershed. I’d just dragged myself out of bed at 2pm the day after the night before, turn on the TV and its back to back Geordie Shore completely uncensored. All. Day. On that show its all breasts and thighs and you know I’m not talking KFC. What’s on the other side? Family Guy. And the alternative to that? Godfather Part III.

After I wasted most of my weekend drinking and eating burgers I thought I’d better do some sightseeing. Someone said there was a volcano in the area that was worth a trip to. As I’m not a one to be climbing hills, my first question was, “can I drive up?” To my delight the answer was yes, I thought I’d jump in the motor, go up and stare at that for a bit. When I got to the top everyone was like, “Oh, here’s the dial of the world! It shows you which direction London is and how far”. Listen babe, I have no interest in where “that London” is, show me a dial that has Middlesbrough written on it and I’ll be excited. A sat nav does that exact same thing anyway and you don’t have to fight a crowd of Japanese tourists to see it. On the way back we drove through one tree hill, unfortunately someone cut the tree down last year.


So I’ve learnt several things this week. Unfortunately I’m back on the beer now so I’ve forgotten all of them. Chat soon!

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