Are you supposed to be in New Zealand or did you get lost?

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Let me start by saying, this blog website just asked me what continent I was on. I did not know. That's the extent of the research I have done on a country that I now live in. I'm sat here, sipping at my New Zealand Earl Grey tea wishing it was Yorkshire. The description on the box says "delicate hints of orange blossom" unfortunately my taste buds are accustomed to beans on toast with a pint of Strongbow on the side so I can't taste the orange. I'll be pouring it out down the sink soon enough I should think. One thing the brochures forget to tell you is how deathly freezing it is. I'm not talking, "oo its a bit nippy out there, better stick a cardi on" I'm talking not being able to type out a text because your hands are like big blocks of ice. And the house doesn't have any heaters, why would it? There's only another 6 weeks left of this unbearable temperature left so what's the point. Soon enough we'll all be lolling about in the sunshine like pigs in mud. That's what they say, but I can't think of that when its too cold to get out of bed for a wee in the middle of the night so I have to hold it in till morning like a savage.

I can't get my head around the currency either, first of all the picture of the Queen looks like its been drawn on the notes by a caricaturist; she has a great big pair of scousebrows. Because I still think of everything as pounds, everything seems extortionate to me until I remember to half the price to get an accurate "dollars to pound" tag. I'll tell you what though, when I saw a bottle of dry shampoo for $15 yesterday I nearly cried. I'm gunna have to use the bottle I bought in the airport all year, rationing out dry shampoo like I'm in the war. Prices are generally higher here than in ASDA or Tesco, you wouldn't see a bottle of Robinsons fruit and barley for £4 in Tesco, not even Sainsburys would get away with that but there it was, bold as brass, sitting on the shelf like "buy me". I saw a product called "Gaytime Super Cones" with a picture of two crazy eyes and a giant tongue on the box. It would be hard to imagine Aldi doing a comparison website on that now wouldn't it.

Buying a car yesterday was quite the experience. We walked onto the car lot and the sales men just looked on as if we were two pigeons stumbling on to their patch. After some time we had to approach them as it was quite apparent they'd rather text on their phones than bother trying to make a sale. When I worked in Samuels we were all stood round like cheetahs waiting for the baby gazelles to come anywhere near so we could pounce on them with all the sales patter we could muster. "How's your day been" "is it busy out there?" "is it cold?" "I love your shoooooes". All we got from this fella was a grunt as he kicked at the mud guards of the car we were interested in. We were allowed to take it for a test drive without anyone being in the car with us then when we arrived back he knocked $500 off the asking price after we'd already said yes.

Today I was left on my own for the first time. I woke up at 8 to make sure I'd have plenty of time to explore and look for jobs. I then proceeded to watch all of the episodes of Coronation Street and Big Brother that I had missed since moving. In bed ofcourse, curtains closed. When I eventually did drag myself out of bed I only left the house because I knew if I took a right out of my road and walked for 15 minutes I would be able to buy sushi. Sushi is a luxury for me as a boro girl, every time I fancy sushi its an hours drive to the Metro centre and usually about £30. So imagine my utter delight when I found 4 sushi shops right where I live all offering sushi from around 50p a piece! Heaven, I'm in heaven. One of my goals while I'm here was to lose some weight, I figured, change your surroundings, change your habbits. Norrrrr. You should see the bakeries in this town. The pastries, the brownies, the pies, almighty Jesus hold me back. It doesn't help that one of my new housemates is a personal trainer and looks like the incredible hulk but not green. He's been talking about all the pool parties we'll be having in the summer (yes, the house has a pool, don't all cry at once) However, the thought of donning a bikini infront of those types with this body makes me want to hurl myself off a cliff. That's why when I walked into the bakery today and the cinnamon smell hit me in the face like Mike Tyson, I resisted the urge to scream "10 iced fingers please". I casually purchased a small loaf and went on my way.

The shops here are unapologetically simple. I walked into a boutique that sold about 4 bags and a range of Beatrix Potter china. Ofcourse I had to dumbly pretend I was interested because, unfortunately, I had already made eye contact with the sales woman. You can never just turn back around and walk out after that, you have to pretend you have some interest in the Peter Rabbit shite first. You'd never find a shop like that in Britain. They pack out the shelves with all sorts of random rubbish in the hope somebody might want any of it. Not here they don't. It seems quite common to have under 10 items on sale at one time in a shop. Mind, since I know diddly squat about this cold country I wouldn't know if the recession hit here or not. My guess is not.

So now I'm tinkling my laptop keys to ask you to join me on my journey. Maybe we might learn some bits and pieces together. We might not though, so don't be proper gutted if I don't go surfing or rock climbing or any of that outdoor shit. Remember I'm a girl who's most at home in the Mecca marking off a bingo card with one of my corrie character dabbers while munching on a £3.99 chicken burger meal deal.

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