Trepidation

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OED: 1796 F. BURNEY Camilla I. 323 Miss Margland..in equal trepidation from anger and from fear.

Miss Margland has walked a kilometre in my shoes, and so may judge me as she wishes. My anger has traditionally been buffeted by disbelief on the one side and outrage on the other. My fear is much more interesting: what if I become like them, or worse, what if I am not so different, just a less blatant and crude version ready to have the rough edges hewn off? No doubt we shall see, we all of us, since I am certainly not so different from you as I wish to be from them. And no doubt this wishing will be the point on which my kaleidoscopic visions of anger and fear will turn. We shall see.

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