19. Sustainable Relationships

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We had a great chat with David yesterday, about relationships. The conversation came about by me enquiring about the idea of applying Permaculture to relationships. I had been thinking about this idea for a while, as I was hoping to not repeat the same painful lessons learnt in my last relationship. I was speculating that by applying the ethos of Permaculture to my new relationship, I’d have a higher chance of sustaining it. But.. David disagreed (which I wasn’t expecting); maybe I hadn’t thought this through properly.

From his experience, ‘alternative relationships’ (meaning a couple leading an alternative type lifestyle?) often didn’t last as long as conventional ones. There could be a number of reasons for this, but some of the ones we discussed were; the stresses and strains brought about by living with less. That building low impact housing can sometimes have a high impact on the relationship (I think any kind of house building can, but maybe ‘permies’ are more likely to design & build their own?). Also, making the decision to stay put in one place and put all your time and energy into land and community living can often affect a couple’s sense of freedom. We also discussed that most conventional couples will spend their days working apart from each other earning money. Whereas living and working your land everyday with the aim of being self sufficient can often create yet another strain.

My parents are still together (which I understand is quite rare nowadays) and I consider them quite ‘alternative’ in many ways (vegetarian rambling traveling hippies!), but then they could also be considered normal white middle class Brits. When asking my folks how they’ve managed to stay together after all this time, they simply replied ‘because we spend so much time apart’. Perhaps David has a point! Sounds funny, but I know what they mean is that they both live independent lives. They both have their own friends and interests etc. which also cross over too, but neither completely relies on the other one to ‘prop them up’ (not to say that they don’t do so when needed ;c) But perhaps as David suggested, earning money has allowed them to live like this. Their income has bought them personal space (but perhaps they also understand the value of zone 0 - ecology of the self ;c) Hmm… So has money always bought us our ‘freedom’? And would my parents still be together if they’d spent everyday working together tied to a piece of land?

Whilst on the subject of money, ‘alternative relationships’ often reduce the ‘drive’ for money, as self-sufficiency (in theory) means that you don’t need as much to buy (or not buy!) all the ‘stuff’ that you would hopefully produce/make yourself. We all know money doesn’t make you happy, but I’m pretty sure it can make life easier sometimes, especially if kids come into the equation. I don’t have first hand experience on this, but from what I’ve heard and seen, they’re bloody expensive little things! Not to mention quite demanding on many levels. So, could it be perhaps, that outside pressures persuade/force alternative couples to compromise their beliefs in order to provide for their children? I wonder how many people out there (leading conventional and alternative lives) are stuck working 9-5 in a monotonous boring job just to feed, clothe and educate their children? Blimey! I think I’ve talked myself out of broodiness! It all sounds like far too much hard work to me, but then I’ve always enjoyed a challenge ;c)

Hmm… perhaps I’ll stick to a ‘conventional relationship’ after all. Mortgage? 9-5? Kids? Doug?

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