Joe Blogs - Cork Farming

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Tropical Oz – rainforest, jungle, wildlife.

Damn these crocs !

Huge bladdy baggers, take your eye out given half a chance no worries mate.

Sorry, sorry, I mean corks.

On my hat.

Damn these corks (on my hat) !

Huge bladdy baggers, take your eye out given half a chance no worries mate.

(Christ on a bike, toss me another tinnie while I write the bladdy blog will ya mate).

Anyway, spent a very interesting day today at a cork farm.

Huge bladdy buggers, take your eye out given half a chance no worries.

Sorry, sorry, I mean croc farm.

Huge bladdy . . . .

(Yes, yes, alright, we get it, very funny).

Oh . . . well . . . we learnt a lot of things today about how to survive in the tropical jungle.

For example, the best thing to so if you get attacked by a crocodile is . . .

Run away.

Or . . .

The best thing to do if you get bitten by a venomous snake is . . .

Go to hospital.

Survival skills – bladdy crucial mate.

(Even swimming in the sea at this time of year is hazardous as its “stinger season”. These are nasty, highly venomous jellyfish that, if they sting you, it’s an immediate airlift to hospital job, if you’re still alive that is. You have to wear special suits when you go snorkelling to minimise the danger).

Anyway, as I was saying before I got so rudely interrupted, we spent the day on a crocodile farm today.

Lots of, er, well, crocodiles, living in their natural habitat. A real workiing farm too eg. a line of crocodile maids down at the crocodile sheds with their buckets collecting fresh crocodile milk to make crocodile cheese. It's enough to make you cry crocodile tears.

Also, saw a few other examples of native Australian wildlife like bladdy roos, bladdy wallabies, bladdy sea-eagles.

(What’s so special about that, Blackpool has seagulls ?)

No, sea eagles.

(That’s what I said, seagulls).

Sea eagles.

(Seagulls)

(Another scuffle ensues).

Bladdy koala bears, bladdy laughing kookaburras (you laughing at me mate), bladdy black swans. Even saw a bladdy snake eat a bladdy rat !

Strewth !!

Anyways . . . . some more things about Austrarlia.

Water.

The tap water is potable (means you can carry it about from A to B ).

Smoking.

Smoking is a very bad thing in Austrarlia. The Government brought in a whole new set of legislation in January this year re: smoking. You can’t display them in shops, it’s all got to be under the counter. They’ve all got nasty medical pictures on them that shows what can happen. They cost £12 a pack. And there’s basically nowhere you can smoke, even outside. Austrarlia is all No Smoking, think the only place you can smoke is actually standing in the sea, just off the coast, up to your knees. (I exaggerate for effect, but only a bit). I mean, I know smoking isn’t a good thing, but they’ve really gone to town on it here.

People.

One thing we’ve noticed about all the places we’ve visited is how nice the people are! Every country without fail, and Austrarlia is no exception. Or is it just because the British are just particularly miserable? I mean I can see why Austrarlians refer to us as the whinging POMs, always bladdy moaning about something (like me now). What is it? Is it the weather? Is it the grey Victorian work-til-you-die ethic? If it’s not one thing, it’s another!! I bet the newpapers are still moaning about the economy aren’t they – no one out here is. Haven’t heard anything about the global economic crisis since we left Blighty (apart from a bit on BBC World News – surprise surprise!!) I'm starting to suspect the global crisis isn't quite as global as they make out (just Big Daddy America and the EuroPuppets). If you ask me, we need our heads banging together. Lighten up for f*cks sake, life’s too short as it is.

Stars

Disappointedly cloudy at the moment. Raining tonight. Some patchy gaps last night. Enough to see that Orion was upside down (I knew it, another proof the world is round). Saw some other stars but couldn’t work out what they were. This is an alien place.

G’Day cobba.

Video Notes:

There is no sound on the accompanying video clips due to shortcomings in Windows ability to playback AVCHD format with audio. For the full effect, please follow these simple instructions.

For the first video - Big Ted -, simply play the theme from Jaws while watching. For the second - Feeding Hagrid , you will need a washing up bowl and two bricks. Fill the washing up bowl about two-thirds full, then remove socks. Place feet in water (being careful not to touch nay electrical items) and hold a brick in each hand. On starting the video, move your feet up and down, creating splashes. When Hagrid snaps his jaws shut, bang the two bricks together. Careful synchronisation is required to experience the full effect.

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Comments

[Sedimenatry]

Bladdy hell fire mate looks fair dinkum down there glad your safety harnesses working, photoshoped them out of photos well. Smoking sounds tough wot about non-baccy smoke are they as hard on that?

[On The Blog]

Cork Farming
Don't know. In Singapore though, it was death !!