12.21am

---

Is this a new reality dawning upon my fractured spirit, or just PMT? I suppose every woman has asked herself this at some stage. But who ever knows the answer? I guess in a couple days time I’ll have clearer insight… either that or my entire universe of this past day or so will have warped itself into a black hole where I’ll be wondering how I ever doubted my sanity and have forgotten this whole episode as if it were some vague dream.

With Luke away for almost a week (time has done that illusion thing and didn’t he just leave yesterday?), I’ve been left pondering my existence. My existence as a woman on her own two feet, in her power? A woman as half a couple… I’ve not been feeling like either lately actually… Well, that’s not quite true. I have been feeling like half a woman, of a couple. My being has been clouded with an overwhelm of resistance and resentment for being the responsible one. Why must I do everything?! (Of course I don’t) The even more ridiculous thing is that even though I see the impact of this ‘sincere’ responsible attitude on my relationship, I haven’t let it go! Why do I continue to hit my head on that brick wall when it hurts so much? My dirty blood is pooling around us and my spirit oozes out the wound I have created.







7am - a 5 minute stroll come 45 minute walk around the corner…


Just PMT it seems

And I looked over my shoulder, out into the horizon and for a moment I was completely nowhere… the still waves of the ocean in the distance appeared as the bed of a dry, shimmering desert. Just for me.

Seems often the way that when I have an excess of time on my hands and many hopes of how to spend or fill it, that going with the flow has me end up with none of the things on my little list achieved! Ah, this is one of Luke’s little frustrations with me I believe. However, I do enjoy frittering my time away any way I choose!! Tonight this was through a spontaneous chat on Lake St with two lovely, travelling Israeli folk. I just love those spaces in which meeting and connecting with a new face (but old spirit) flows into a natural rapport and a new friendship is born without a question…

Then there was the casino. Once every couple of years, when I’m somewhere out of my home zone and time on my side, I indulge a wee bit of pocket money. Problem is it is of course, terribly addictive - so very easy to get greedy.

Tis not the first time and my guess is it won’t be the last… Spirit tells me and I doubt the gift, back to that old story about me not being good enough - how could I possibly win that big? I must be making it up… and hence I miss the bet, and the 35-1 - 35 x $5 *sigh* This time though, I could have cried. So many bills and things I’d really like the cash for, to be able to enjoy Xavier Rudd tomorrow night at Kuranda Amphitheatre! So I asked the universe, she granted, I doubted, I lost. Though can one lose something they don’t have? More like the opportunity was not seized - seize the day! Risk yourself! Trust!! So I did once, then back to the old story… In the end, I just prayed for my money back that’d I’d lost through being greedy… so easy to fall into this trap! But thankyou Mother Divine for looking after me, and my conscience and wallet were saved with another message, which I followed. Almost a whole Xavier Rudd ticket looked after

---