internally insane

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March 14th
Day 7
Cairns to Mossman
Luke is my hero. He climbed a coconut tree for lots of treasure - awesome stuff. I admit I am getting greedy with these coconuts now! It’s cos they’re just so damn good! And they’re healing and all! Makes me juice diet/fast a whole lot more pleasurable with those to look forward to  Shame is that Luke has to be the one to do all that hard work - the things he does for me and my health, he’s pretty amazing. But he loves it. Don’t you Lukey? 
So picture this: We’re both pouring with sweat as the sun beats down - and my I stink with the stained stench of detoxing sweat ugh. We’re hot, grotty and ant bitten, totally hanging out for a refreshing cool wash (swimming is the majority of our bathing nowadays) We’re on our way to Mossman, and there are so many beaches - my they are gorgeous - I’d almost forgotten about the ocean, having spent so many days inland now … and we can’t swim in any of them - it’s stinger season! That’s box jellyfish - That’s one tricky creature I know I’d rather not get stung by. Though course I could pee on it…
A lot of things come to my head during the day that I so want to share, and now I can’t remember any of them!
There goes Turtle Cove, and I wonder if that’s where sis Tegan comes for her once a year turtle saving feat.

Good news -I’m so proud of me on my 7th day! I seem to be pretty much over feeling hungry. Of course I still find it tempting and mouth watering when going to the big smoke and I could still go eat ice cream, apple pie, donuts… or any cooked food you put in front of me for that matter… but I’m not hungry! Who’d ever have thought that day would come?!
Passed a wee bit of mucous covered strudel today. No enema possible today due to being on the road again, and now that we’ve arrived at the Mossman Organic Taro & Rambutan Farm, we appear to have stepped right into mozzie haven and made mozzie heaven! They’ve even feasted on Iron Luke.

So looking forward to fresh fruit again *sigh*

Wondering, questioning, thinking, wondering again... about the possibilities of living in Cairns, Table Lands - somewhere in the rainforest lands but not too humid, not too hot, with an abundance of mangoes, coconuts - how am I ever going to live without the m, now that I have discovered them.

Mossman Gorge - Beeeeautiful! Absolutely divine. Not our last time here - We WILL be back!  We feel totally tingly all alive!
Ferocious march flies everywhere here bite us with their hot needle teeth though - yowch! Mossman Aboriginal Community. Surrounded by sugar cane.

21 million dollar jackpot this Saturday - We will be winning!

March 15th
(Day 8)
I awoke in a pitiful self-loathsome state, regretful for all the shit I’ve been putting Luke through the past several days. To which he replies that I am handling it all really well and he’s surprised at just how well I am doing. Of course, I find this difficult to accept as my self-loathing berates my princess for not being tougher and ‘just dealing with it as it is’.
What began as a wee joke about the mozzies has turned into a nightmare. We are in monsoon land after all… I would have rapidly lost my mind were it not for J’s friend’s place down the road which albeit extremely basic with no working running water (resident is in Bali and gravity feed pump is turned off and hiding), is at least mozzie proofed. Last night in the van was a white man’s purgatory. Stuffy and sticky and barely a wink of sleep with the sneaky little bloodsuckers having clung to our legs on the way in from a midnight pee. (We’d spent a good 15 mins before sleep workshopping the ‘saviour’ of any stowaways) My philosophy is: outside is their space - free range feasting is their prerogative (why bother slapping them when there’s millions more all around), but anywhere within closed sleeping quarters is MY space and open slather - here, my desire for sanity predominates my love for wildlife and moral heart on preservation of all beings.

Later in the day, I’ve decided it’s official - I am very nearly going mad. Between fasting and bowel cleansing, the biting bugs and persistent monsoon mugginess, the isolation and lack of familiarity, the accidental dropping of my keeper cup into the porcelain bowl of my mass mucoid and faecal plaque evacuation…. You could perhaps understand my current emotional imbalance…

On the up-side with the juice fast, I’ve discovered how awesome apples and lemons are together - ooh yeaaah! Something to look forward to, and makes the clay and psyllium far more palatable.

Trust, all is as it should be; the universe is unfolding as it should. *smiling with that security*

Having missed our Mossman Gorge bathing session this afternoon (spent a few hours in Port Douglas investigating the tidy tourist town, Durian and bargain organics for juicing from Coles), we return ‘home’ to the base of our mountain through the thoroughly pelting rain, all sticky and smelly, true to tropical land. We unload the day’s loot and Luke excitedly suggests a scrubadubdub shower in the rain, reminiscent of Ishi’s spontaneous Brissy bath I thought, and he is off - out into the blackness, in his essential whiteness 

This fast… feeling like I’m regressing back into my childhood… I’m a small girl again, throwing tantrums when things don’t go my way - whichever that is - as if I haven’t yet acquired the skills or awareness of independence… yet, at the same time, I am aware… of my yearning to be looked after, feeling no support for myself, my laziness, my Oedipus complex…

There’s something about Port Douglas… sure it’s a tourist town, a higher tourist population than permanent resident actually, The possibilities of living in Mossman, Port Douglas (which I liked right from the beginning), are opening… we very well may find ourselves here for the Adelaide winter.



Sitting in the rain, about quarter past nine, drinking my juice, feeling pretty fine!
Not really impressed with this peeing out my bottom business though…

The cacophony of mating cane toads is overwhelmingly, deafeningly alternating throughout the hours of the night with the smashing of the hard and heavy rains on the shed roof we lay under. Unable to hear myself think (quite astounding for me) - the miracle measure to escape one’s thoughts! The hours of one to the other go on… till I eventually fall to slumber, rudely interrupted with yet another urgency to sickeningly evacuate *sigh* Assuming the position, the haunting hoards of toads outside have me suddenly and unsympathetically get just how exponential their breeding is and therefore the motivation behind intentional mass culling. Anything that eats them dies you know?

March 16th
Day 9
Mildew smell periodically taking me back to Sri Lanka and my stays in cheap old guesthouses of South India in monsoon season - funny how powerful smells can be.

March 17th
Day 10
I’ve never felt such furious, crimson, hateful, spiteful, deep-seated, self-righteous, unsexy, uninspired, unfounded anger as I have this past week. If you’ve even the slightest predisposition or tendency to anger in your bones (or even any emotional imbalance for that matter) I share with you my strongest recommendation to NOT participate in any detoxing of one’s liver in the presence of any potentially antagonising, triggering, disturbing, discomfort. You would be doing your soul and self an immense disservice should you underestimate my words of warning. Nobody should have to experience this self-defeating, deadening sense of purgatory - caught between somewhere and nowhere…
On the upside of it all, at least this is only to weeks of my life. Question is, is it over? Will I break on through to the other side, to the light at the end of the tunnel? And, how will I know what feelings from this moment on, are authentic and justified? Yes, I will know; just as I know now, they’re not. It gets to this moment… I know I’ve been childishly self-absorbed, and irrational, creating spaghetti out of a little injured, imperfect (there’s a paradox!) wheat flower… I look at it, him… I don’t know how to feel, to get out of this. Sure, it’s the ugly ego now. Even my inner spoilt little girl can admit that. So I swallow my pride (ironically the very seed that sprouted and fuelled this massacre of love) and get on with it…

March 18th
Day 11 - my last self-restricting ‘fast’ day, yet 4 more to go with herbs and simple fruits/juices/smoothies, to ease the digestion back into ‘normality’. But ahh I’ve been storing up all the smoothie recipes along the way - mamey sapote (pink), mango (orange), jakfruit (yellow), banana (creamy white) ooh yeaah!! Strangely tastes like strawberry!

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