You're in the NT now C..ant!

---

Things I'll always remember from Darwin (at least, I will now I've written them down, six months drinking has messed with my memory somewhat):

• Mine and Sarah's Passion Pop fuelled morning pool party when I crossed several new boundaries and ended up passed out at the side of Stuart Highway with an Irishman from Longford.
  
• "Oh Kakadu, Take Me Home, To my Mountain Friends" the great Abbodiginous man who sings at Mindl Beach and always knows which of his two songs you want to hear.
  
• The week the 5000 American sailors came to stay and Jo had to work 19 hour days. I was also working, and didn't have one night out that week. But did spend a lot of time ignoring real customers so I could flirt with them when they came into reception.
  
• Jo's resulting flirtation with bronchitas and Graves' disease.
  
• Jo's Kinder Egg Surprise.
  
• Ruth the Hamburglar who likes to sing about how much she likes cats/maps/hats/wraps/etc
  
• Wally the serial cheater who pretended to be Irish and had a funny plait in his hair.
  
• The night discovery wouldn't let us in because we all had kebabs, sunglasses on, loo roll boobs and foliage stuck to our faces. And it was after 3am lock out. Apparently.
  
• Margarita Guy who pays for all your margarita's if you skull them. The night he bought me seven in a row, and I burst into tears in Monsoons because I'd lost my bag. "It's the ugliest bag you've ever seen, but its got all my stuff in!" It was actually on the back of my chair the whole time.
  
• That guy from Hull finding my crying (same night) on the grass outside the Salvation Army place and paying $250 dollars for a hotel room because I wouldn't tell him where I lived or go home.
  
• Four drinks at Kitty's and the Vic for 50 cents. I love Lynn.
  
• Little Lion Man at Deck Bar and Kitty's.
  
• Lilly Alan playing the drums at Kitty's.
  
• Scary crazy drunk Sarah. Angry crazy drunk Nancy.
  
• "Full English, extra bacon, A mango daquiri with an extra shot of bacardi. Oh, I get staff discount cos I work next door." Yep, it's Sunday morning.
  
• Lynn being sick on the trees outside Monsoons, while arguing that the bouncer should let her in. I wasn't even there, but in my head, it looks great. Poor Gav.
  
• Sean buying all our drinks at Disco and Anna doing TOT, and falling over on stage.
  
• Making a gourmet omlette at 5am while Smurf denies being a knacker.
  
• Going home with an Irishman just to make sandwiches and fall asleep (both times). Having that Canadian girl shout SANDWICHES at me every time I see her after that.
  
• The Irish guy outside Melaleuca shouting Lynn at me for ages, and not knowing that Lynn was stood next to me.
  
• The day me and Sarah split our rent to go get pissed at 10am, and ended up in the Melaleuca pool at 10pm trying to pull the security guard in with us. In our first week as Melaleuca receptionists.
  
• The bollocking we got the next day.
  
• Making Marty buy me a glass of $15 Prussers rum that was horrible and I couldn't drink.
  
• Micko asleep on the floor. Micko falling in a 2 foot high fountain. Micko wearing jeans in 36 degree heat. Micko and his farmer hats. Playing yellow car with Micko.
  
• The beer can regatta where we got to dress up like pirates, and cheer for Irish pirates. And get sunburn.
  
• Getting dragged out of a guests bed by Ron because I refused to sleep in a top bunk and the guest had come home. (Sorry Alan!)
  
• Kissing Boogie bike guy, a Darwin institution I reckon.
  
• Being referred to by Big Gay Al as "right then lads." Constantly.
  
• Doing a shift at Kittys. Not knowing what any of the fancy shots were (Baby Guinness? Wet Cowgirl? ABC? Aquabomb?), refusing to serve anyone anything but Sambuca. No matter what.
  
• The fortnight Ollie just got drunk and didn't turn up for work. The day he went back and told his boss he's see him next week. Ollie's story about his mate Pete who won the poetry competition. Ollie losing his voice (he left it in Kittys.)
  
• Hanging out with Ryan from Adelaide, the dumbest (So, is Canada in France?) but most beautiful man in South Australia. I'm pretty sure he was a gigolo.
  
• Never queuing at Monsoons. Geano, the nicest bouncer in the world who remembers your name and drinks espressos.
  
• Rego falling asleep at the side of the road.
  
• Lilly Alan complaining about his ex that he's still in love with.
  
• Justin being sick on the floor under our table while still sat in his chair at Monsoons. The fact no one saw and he carried on drinking,
  
• Hanging out in reception with Bob Van Tiggleman, learning dutch instead of serving customers, and taking trips to Maccas with him.
  
• Being at Monsoons surrounded by black men, telling 6 foot 9 Akon that he was a scary kind of black.
  
• Picking up a man at the side of the road who was dressed in a suit.
  
• Coming onto the Maori, probably gay bouncer at Shags.
  
• World cup nights where the bouncers picked off all the lads and in the end it was only ever chicks left watching the match.
  
• Never being able to understand a word Chief or Scouse Stevie said. Ever. Even sober.
  
• Introducing myself to Alan from Cork seventeen times in half an hour. And then seeing him the next day at work and not knowing who he was.
  
• Ciaran Maguire telling me I was a dirty, dirty mare in his best Dub accent.
  
• Going back to Palmie with Ciaran and his mates and stealing a phone for a week.
  
• Learning what a langer, pikey and Dub was.
  
• PLaying on a building site and scratching my feet. Ending up visiting some guys Abbodiginous relatives out in Palmerston. Their cute dog. Their many, many small brown children running around.
  
• Pushing people in trolleys.
  
• Drunk 3am phone calls to my Mum from the toilets in clubs. Waking up the next day with no credit.
  
• The week I shared a room with Joe and he got in my bed every, single, bloody night after he'd been out.
  
• Finding my skirt that had been nicked from the laundry in some random Irishman's bag who I shared a room with.
  
• The possum with the big balls at Wisdom.
  
• The stalker guys from my last week. Odd. I should have been telling people it was my last week the whole time.
  
• Ricky the pearl farmer from Bali who tried to teach me to swim in my first week at Melaleuca.
  
• Telling Ricky weeks later that I was married to Jo's brother who was away working on the mines.
  
• Getting pushed in the Youth Shack pool by Sarah.
  
• Sarah trying to spa with the twins. Telling them they had to fight properly, even though she's a girl. Sarah on the floor screaming "it's not fair!" when they did. Them pulling her skirt over her head.
  
• One of the twins borrowing a smiley face stamp from reception, and coming back with it ten minutes later and telling me he'd stamped his cock.
  
• Luke and his sodding ABC shots.
  
• The guy who introduced himself as Jay. Jay Ellis, but whose actually name is just JJ Elllis.
  
• Working my way through six mobiles phones and five bank cards in six months. Thinking that wasn't such a bad thing because it meant I couldn't make drunk booty calls.
  
• Watching Dougal try to get in bed with cranky Ruth.
  
• Lionman Pete and Kieren Mac, the two happiest Australians who ever lived.
  
• Seany stealing Mary's bike one morning from outside our flat.
  
• Getting my purse with my passport and my life in it back from Discovery after the Tequila night. I should not be allowed to drink with Mexicans.
  
• The first night Ronan slept above me, and thought I was making all that racket on my own.
  
• Thinking that souped-up car full of Phillipinos were with us, and getting a lift all the way to Monsoons with them before I realised they were strangers.
  
• How Ronan and the scouse lads were always naked in their flat, despite having air-con. Thinking it was a tad homoerotic. Wanting to set up a nanny-cam in there.
  
• Getting ridiculous amounts of love for poor Lovey when I was walking home. Making him talk to me for ages about India while he should have been working. Not remembering any of the conversation the next day.
  
• Telling that Irish chick I was a quarter Abbodidginous when she said Abbodiginals smell. Her believing me.
  
• The hundreds of times I came in from a night out at 2.30pm still wasted. Ate a sandwich, had a shower and got to work by three.
  
• The times I had to go have a nap with AJ or Pepper while I was on my break.
  
• Taking Kenny home so that he could be angry and watch X Factor.
  
• Crazy stupid Preston, whose actual name was John.
  
• Being wasted at 6.30am on a Wednesday morning sat with all the Irish boys from room 30, going to Coles for booze and my boss not seeing me even though she starts work at 7am. Turning up for work a 3pm that day totally fine. Well, almost.
  
• Going out in my uniform, representing Melaleuca. Going to work the next day wearing the same thing.
  
• Ron walking in to room thirty and seeing my moneymaker.
  
• The Child, the cocky little shit, and hanging out at his homecare childs house drinking rum and nearly dieing in their handicapped pool.
  
• Rooms 3, 30, 30, 31, 36, 40, 49, 50, 62, 73. Definitely the best rooms in the house.
  
• "Can I Print?"
  
• "Realy?!"
  
• "Cloive!"
  
• "BOOM! That just happened."
  
• The fact that following that with, "And the dynamite has gone" only ever really caught on with Ben Scoop. Bless.
  
• "Give me a job.. I live in a bin."
  
• "Why'd you have to be so sleazy?"
  
• "Touchy Feely"
  
• "You can check out any time you like" (but you can never leave)
  
• "Darwin: every nights the weekend."
  
• "You've gotta come to Darwin mate, you get laid every night: It's well funny!"
  
• "If you make that bed, you can sleep in it"
  

---

Comments

[Emma Karsten]

I'm sick of reading about your awesome lifelong holiday. Come back please x