Losing it in Perth

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I've finally left Perth! Perth wasn't quite as hilarious or as memorable as Darwin, and is actually a bit of a bland, characterless city with little going for it. However, I will take some long lasting memories from that bland characterless city (and the month before when I visited cold, cold England for four weeks):

Darwin-London-Turkey-KL-Perth

• Liz, the girl from Cork who I sat next to on the way home to England and chatted for thirteen hours straight. She also had 6 toes on each foot. Nice girl, shame about the feet. Losing Liz at the airport without getting her number.
  
• Ahmet the black Turkish dude who laughed like Frank Bruno and made my Mum pole dance in a pub in Turkey.
  
• My trip to the passport office in Liverpool where I look like I'm on remand, because thats just what happens when you get passport photos processed in Liverpool.
  
• The hostel in Liverpool that it turns out, I'd stayed in once before, but didn't remember.
  
• Being a proper tourist in Kuala Lumpur and visiting the Islamic Arts Museum. Having a great time, being a tourist isn't so bad.
  
• Visiting Little India with Anna from Ipswitch in QLD, getting our feet henna-ed and buying bangles, bindi's and bhajis. Having to take a taxi to the airport because I didn't want my feet to get wet and ruin the henna. George, the cool taxi driver who got a huge tip for making me laugh and putting his foot down.
  
• Visiting the Air Asia office three times to try and work out when to fly to Australia.
  

Perth:

• Number of passports lost: 3
  
• Number of car keys lost: 1
  
• Number of bank cards lost: 0 (woohoo!)
  
• Number of jobs lost: 1
  
• Number of mobiles lost: 1
  
• Number of wallets lost: 1
  
• Number of shoes lost: 5 (2 1/2 pairs)
  
• Number of jackets lost: 2
  
• Number of free bar tabs: 4
  
• Number of people returning to Ireland purely because of me: 3
  
• Number of Irishmen deported: 1
  
• Number of visits to the hospital: 2
  
• Number of trips to Maddinton: 1 (too many!!)
  
  
• The shuttle bus from the airport when the driver tried to be politically correct about Chinatown.
  
• Arriving at Swan Barracks and remembering how expensive Oz is.
  
• The night I visited every single pub in Northbridge with Sarah from Halifax, didn't pay or queue to get into any of them, and only remember Connections.
  
• Wesley from Sligo, the big stoner! Thinking it was hilarious that he lived in Inglewood and wasn't a gangster. Egg and avocado sandwiches. Endless cps of tetley tea.
  
• Meeting Ruth when I was in my pyjamas and sleeping at the Underground. Spending a very drunken week there with her, Kelsey, Brian and Michelle.
  
• The night out in Leederville that ended with a free kebab, free ice cream and a ride home in Stelios, the kebab shop owners car.
  
• Refusing to sleep in the top bunk in my room. Also, refusing to go into a girls dorm.
  
• Getting pissed on by Kiwi Mike, the drunken cunt.
  
• Nancy coming to visit, going to Scarborough, getting drunk on about 3 bottles of wine, ALMOST winning the pub quiz at Swan Barracks, getting Dub distracted, never really getting up before midday.
  
• Stereosonic, trying to nap at a techno festival and Ricardo Villalobos being the highlight. Losing EVERYONE within 2 hours.
  
• Going to the beach with James and eight scousers. None of them wearing shirts all day.
  
• Meeting the Dub while he had a party in his parked car. Driving to Scarborough. Driving home because it was cold. Him making best friends with the night watchman at he Underground. Stealing a bag of food from Aberdeen Lodge that I was convinced was only noodles, but actually was full of steak and vitamins. Someone stealing that bag from me in a karmic twist of fate. Him thinking I was magic because I knew about circadian rhythms. Going to Efes, the takeaway that sells booze with him and meeting Joshua. Xavier Rudd, 12th September. Sleeping in his car a the beach.
  
• Zane the crazy kiwi who does waaaaay too much acid and doesn't really speak unless it's about drugs.
  
• Stalking Donal, my favourite Meath boy.
  
• Being disgusted that I had to move into The Bin aka International Backpackers, Perth.
  
• Getting drunk and abusing everyone at the hostel because they're all cunts.
  
• Gareth being horrible to the Dub and the Dub being cool enough to not give a fuck.
  
• Watching Gareth fawn over Shelley, haha.
  
• Shelley stealing a bottle of wine from behind the bar in Universal Bar and drinking it there out of pint glasses. Not wanting to walk pasty Universal the next day.
  
• Waking Shelley up on Xmas morning.
  
• Calling Brady, the beautiful Irish boy on Xmas day to make sure he wasn't homeless. Being very disconcerted that he was okay, and with two Swedish birds.
  
• Sinead's amazing Xmas dinner that was finished in the microwave, but didn't kill anyone.
  
• Getting drunk with Shelley and stealing from the Underground, jumping on the back of Harleys at traffic lights, trying to steal a dog that was tied to a tree, telling a hot guy in Maccas that it'd been a pleasure watching him eat.
  
• That
• Asian bitch!
  
• Boxing day, going to the Casino with hairless John Walsh, and not getting benchpressed by his friend.
  
• Inviting James, the illiterate twat, over to drink. Him bringing his scouse mate, a box of wine and a crate of beer with him. Playing spin the bottle for the first time. Kicking him out a 3am because he thought being gay was "morally wrong." Him trying to get home to Dianella with no money. His text telling me to "watch ur back." Illiterate fuck.
  
• The poor German girls who were trying to sleep while all that happened. And then they gave us free toiletries afterwards.
  
• New Years Eve: Always a let down. Following an awesome poster to Universal's Soul Night, and being the youngest people in there by about 2 decades. Watching middle aged couples jive. Thinking that some disheveled man was trying to hit on me in an inept, but cute way. Realising he was actually mental when he told me he'd put a capsicum up his ass that morning. Rosie's being shit and overcrowded, as always. Fireworks on the way home. Being nice to everyone because they were on acid. Jago getting covered in books and Vegemite.
  
• Lovely Jackie singing about everything she was doing. All the time.
  
• Sex and the city marathons. Entourage marathons.
  
• Caribbean food.
  
• Having an interview at a dry hostel where weed was allowed, but only because the Christian manager approved. Retard, Jesus loves drinkers.
  
• Not going to Rottnest.
  
• Going to Perenjori, population 270. Getting too drunk in the morning to really clean properly. Jim, the manager who was the rudest, most ignorant, misogynistic bastard in the history of bastards. Really wishing I'd told him what I thought of him before getting fired. Colm falling asleep at the bar. Kieran trying to prove how young he really was. Sexy Mark who looks bloody good for 56! Chris, who won't speak unless he's pissed, but will show you his pubes. Sambuca for breakfast.
  
• The day Cyclone Bianca hit the main street and knocked out the power lines for 4 days when it was 39 degrees. Hitching a ride to Geraldton (CIVILSATION!!) for the night with Grant, the funniest man in Western Australia. His Mum's air-con.
  
• Getting a ride in a road train to the mines with Steve. Dave Matthews Band, kangeroos and watching him changing a tyre.
  
• Getting fired! Ha!
  
• Getting a ride back on Monday morning with John the truckie, free tube rides and surprising Shelley and Jackie. Finding out Shelley was leaving Perth in two days because of impending mental illness caused by living in The Bin.
  
• First Monday back with 23 litres of Goon drank in one night. By about ten people.
  
• Losing shoes I really love. Thinking black Dunlop Volleys must be cursed.
  
• Scarring Emily for life.
  
• Sweet old Irishman who birthday it was, and the retarded Australians who made Emily AND Shelley storm off.
  
• Being hungover at the Elephant and Wheelbarrow and drinking pints that taste like shit because their pipes are filthy. Not really caring because a pint of Stella is only &8.
  
• Steve, the Scottish Kiwi miserable old bastard.
  
• Being too hungover to try my luck with the Venezuelan/Colombian. Being very sad the following day.
  
• Knowing too many people who were getting into meth.
  
• The night me, River and James went to Dollhouse. Being told to get a room by the bouncer. Losing the dub's keys. Feeling terrible.
  
• Realising that I can only feel bad about something for a limited amount of time.
  
• Going to Good Vibrations. Goon for breakfast. Meeting Michael the gay Scottish nurse from Aberdeen. Everyone except us three doing acid. Damien Marley. Getting traded in by a Scottish guy for five middle aged bald Celtics fans. Trading Scottish guy in for Bill, a black Liberian.
  
• Hanging out at the big screen with various people trying to wait out a hangover.
  
• Going to the Esplanade with PJ, being irrationally scared by the black swans that were there, having just watched black swan.
  
• Meeting a "dangerous man" from Roscommon. Been given his bank card and PIN number. Taking full advantage.
  
• Having a broken foot most of the time.
  
• Visiting Royal Perth hospital twice. Being very glad I get Medicare.
  
• Tom's contact lens solution. Also the solution to chlamydia. Hopefully.
  
• Cormac's eyelashes and sad looking face. Sam's Disney tunes.
  
• Marty, Luke and Barry. Tyrone & Donegals premier comedy trio.
  
• Spruking at the rugby. Basically getting paid $20 an hour to flirt.
  
• Silver service at the Uni Club, feeling very out of my depth.
  
• Moo, the Lebanese guy who borrowed my bed for the night.
  
• Josh, the best Kiwi Dad ever.
  
• Turkish, the sweet boy from Inglewood.
  
• Tia, the crazy sandwich short of a picnic from Queens Tavern who wanted to be BFFs.
  
• Asking a (white) Australian if he spoke Hindi. Abusing him for being racist when he was offended. Cheapest taxi ever.
  
• Being let off $10 by a Kenyan taxi driver. Promising to tip the next taxi driver. Never actually doing it.
  
• Losing all both of my jackets in one night.
  
• The Chinese dancer from Mustangs on a Wednesday.
  
• Not going to Margaret River.
  
• Not completing the list.
  
• Being very ill on my last week and not drinking at all.
  
• Worst St Patricks Day Ever! Emily quits her job, a free breakfast at the Shed, Rosie's being shit. Neil being a cunt. Salsa at the Deen. Stealing Emily's bag. Hanging out at Aberdeen Lodge and sleeping in a 30 year old van. Waking up with bed bug bites and no passport. Getting the passport back eventually.
  
• Only just getting to the airport.
  
• Steve's timeless advice on Indonesia: "Don't go. You'll hate it. You'll get ripped off. You'll get strepthroat. And you'll hate it. Just. Don't. Go."
  
• "You think this county's a mess because of all the blacks, but really, it's because all the white cunts can't spell their own name."
  
• "Get fucked you cunt."
  
• "My wallet, My life."
  
• "Have you seen my wallet?"
  
• "Whats the crack with yoooou, Emily?"
  
• "Bebo got me my first ride, so it did!"
  
• "I don't want to go out on a date, I just want to fuck in a park!"
  
• "I don't like my girls white, brother!"
  

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