A Twisted Valentine's Day Fairy Tale

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Ok, admittedly this isn't about travelling, but I haven't found anywhere else to put this for the moment.
It's a little story I put together over 2 lunch hours and a friday morning. I find it amusing, so I hope you do too.


The Story of Edward and Belinda - A Twisted Valentine's Day Fairy Tale.


For Eliza, Happy Cholera Day!





Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl. Their names were Edward and Belinda and they were in love.

They lived in a little cottage on a little street, amongst neighbours who also lived in little cottages on their little street.

Every morning, Belinda would wake up first and say, ‘Good morning Edward my love!’
Edward would waken and turn to Belinda and say, ‘Good morning Shnookums!’
‘I love you so much!’
‘I love you!’ Edward would reply, and kiss her on the cheek.
They would then leave bed and Belinda would hop into the bath and luxuriate amongst the warm frothy bubbles in her bath, whilst Edward would be off to fix breakfast in the little kitchen of their little cottage which sat on their little street.

Edward and Belinda would have breakfast together, a special recipe of Edward's which was a collage of french toast and venison, followed by a cup of smoked salmon flavoured coffee.
'Mmmm, it's delicious sweetie,' complimented Belinda.
'Why thank you darling,' Edward would reply. 'I know how much you love your smoked salmon flavoured coffee.'
'I do love it. You know how to push all my buttons', Belinda would reply cheekily.

After breakfast Edward would go to his job in the city. Edward adored his job as a typist. He worked at the city morgue, busily typing the cause of death on tags that are attached to the big toe of cadavers. He was always awfully busy, and loved the variation that came with the job. Yesterday he was asked to produce tags that read,
'gunshot wound to the crotch',
'ferret in gastrointestinal tract',
and the most intriguing one so far,
'A broken heart, smashed into a thousand pieces'.

Belinda would also leave their little cottage after her smoked salmon flavoured coffee and go to the local teddy bear factory where she recorded voice messages on teddy bears. Valentine's day was coming up and the factory was very busy.

The special Valentine's day teddy bear with romantic messages the factory was producing was selling very well. It was a green teddy bear holding a love heart that said sweet nothings such as 'I wuv you', 'You're my starlight' and 'Hug me I'm yours' in a cutesy-wutesy voice. Belinda was responsible for recording those messages on every single bear. Everytime the conveyor belt stopped and placed a bear in front of her she would say a line in her cutesy wutesy voice.
'I wuv you!', she'd say to the teddy bear.
'You're my starlight!'
'Hug me I'm yours!'
Every now and again when she was bored, she would spice things up a little and whispered different things to them. Bears would arrive at QA and say to the assurance person,
'Where's hello kitty? I'm desperate to fuck!'
'I want to pour honey all over your body and chase you around the house', and
'Please don't leave me alone with your boyfriend, he hurt my bot-bot'.
Potty mouthed Teddy Bears would leave the factory and land in the arms of unsuspecting boyfriends and girlfriends.

'Fancy dying of a broken heart, is that even possible honeybunny?' Edward said to his honeybunny during dinner.
'I don't know cutiepie, did you see the body? Was there a big cavity in his chest?'She said between mouthfuls.
'I don't think so, he just looked blue and forlorn,' replied Edward.
'Mmm, that sounds so sad. Let's change the mood shall we? What's for dessert after that lovely ginseng tea flavoured porterhouse?
'It's another one of your favourites, it's oyster ice cream!'
'Brilliant!' She said excitedly. 'Are you trying to get me in the mood?' She says cheekily.
'As if I need to try.'

The next morning, Belinda woke up and said, ‘Good morning Edward my love!’
Edward would waken and turn to Belinda and say, ‘Good morning my sumptious strawberry!’
‘I love you so much!’
‘I love you!’ Edward would reply, and kiss her on the cheek.
Belinda would hop into the bath and luxuriate amongst the warm frothy bubbles in her bath as usual, whilst Edward would be off to fix breakfast in the little kitchen of their little cottage which sat on their little street.

During lunch break at the teddy bear factory, Belinda and her workmates were comparing notes of what their husbands and boyfriends were organising for Valentine's day the next day.
'My husband is taking me to a candlelit dinner at the revolving restaurant,' One of the girls said excitedly.
'Ooh that sounds lovely. My boyfriend is taking me for a long walk along the beach, and then we're going to go see the Shawshank Redemption.'
'Oh, that's so romantic! My husband said he's buying 9 long stemmed roses to commemorate the number of times we've had sex since we've married.'
'That's so lovely, how long have you been married?'
'8 years.'
'Oh. Er...So Belinda, what's your darling Edward doing for your Valentine's day?'
'I'm not sure. He already does so much though. Each morning he tells me he loves me and makes me breakfast.'
'But Belinda, it IS Valentine's day after all,' said her colleague with a knowing wink.
Belinda spends the rest of the afternoon wondering what Edward will be doing for Valentine's day. Bears coming from Belinda's conveyor belt say things like 'If all you got me for Valentine's day was this teddy bear, I'm going to chop your balls off and cram them in your own mouth so you can teabag yourself!'

The following morning, Belinda woke up and said, ‘Good morning Edward my love!’
Edward would waken and turn to Belinda and say, ‘Good morning my gorgeous gooseberry!’
‘I love you so much!’
‘I love you!’ Edward would reply, and kiss her on the cheek.
'How much do you love me?' She said.
'Huh?'
'How much do you love me?'
'Uh, I love you so much the rise and rise of a supernova in the heavens and uh, the uh, consequent implosion into a white dwarf couldn't compare to how much I love you.'
'Really?'
'Uh, Yes. If you told me you disliked pigeons, my love for you would compel me to go out with my tennis racquet to swat them out of the sky mid-flight so there were less in the world to offend your sensibilities.'
'That sounds lovely dear. So what are we doing for Valentine's day today?' Says Belinda, looking at her Edward expectantly.
'Uh....it's a surprise. Um, You'll see.'
'Oh goody. I love surprises. I can't wait!'
'Neither can I,' Edward replied.

'Shit. Fuck. Fuuuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkkk.'
Edward was sitting in the morgue at his typewriter visibly stressed. What was he going to do? He was terribly troubled. Tags would end up attached to bodies saying,
'Did not organise anything for Valentine's day.'
'Girlfriend's high heel through skull.'

One of his colleagues, Joe, walks past one of the cadavers.
'Hey Edward, What's going on here? The tag should say 'Bashed to death by girlfriend with his own mobile phone. It wasn't a shoe in the skull.'
'Sorry about that. I'll fix that right away. I was a little preoccupied.'
'Valentine's day getting to you huh?'
'Yeah, yeah it is. How did you know? Have, have you organised anything for Valentine's day yet?'
'Yeah, I've spent months planning it. I booked out the video game parlour for just the girlfriend and I for 4 hours. Think of all the prize tickets that we can pick up together playing skeeball. We'll be able to finally pick up the V8 Supercar dartboard that's been sitting behind the counter for so long!'
'Nice one. If only I could think of something. What can I possibly organise in time for tonight?'
'I heard another guy had bought long stemmed roses for his wife for each time they had sex.'
'That's an idea.' Edward strokes his chin, thinking of where the nearest florist was.
'You'd need thousands of flowers then wouldn't you? Hey? Hey?' Joe gives him a knowing look and nudges Edward in the ribs.
'Uh yeah, yeah,' Edward says, smiling weakly.

Belinda sat at home. The wall clock ticked incessantly louder.
'He's late,' she muttered to herself.
'He hasn't called to tell me what's happening tonight. On Valentine's day of all days. Could he be so thoughtless? He said he had a surprise. Was he lying to me?'
A few moments later, there was a knock on the front door of their little cottage on their little street.

Edward stood on his doorstop with his arms open, ready for an embrace.
'Happy Valentine's day Shnookums!'He said to Belinda enthusiastically.
'Happy Valentine's day sweetie', said Belinda.
'I have a gift for you.'
'Ooh really? What is it?' Belinda's excitement started to grow.
'It's a DVD!'
'A DVD. Really?'
'Yeah, a DVD!'
'Uh, thanks sweetie,' Belinda replied in a somewhat dismayed tone.
'Let's watch it together right now.'
'Um, ok.'

Edward puts the DVD into the player and presses play. The screen switches on and the image begins blurry, shaking a little bit. The image then focuses and becomes still, and Edward walks into view and sits down. His image clears his throat, and begins in a nervous voice.

'To my dearest Belinda. I just have a few words to say to you this Valentine's day. Every morning when I say I love you, I mean it. When I make breakfast, I'm trying to say I love you. When I put an entire smoked salmon in the bag of coffee beans for a week to make smoked salmon flavoured coffee, I'm trying to say I love you. When I age steak in ginseng tea for 3 months, I'm trying to say I love you. When I blend oyster ice cream, I'm trying to say I love you. I guess what I'm trying to say is, to me, everyday is kind of like a little Valentine's day. I try to make everything I do a small tribute to how much I love you.'

The DVD stops, and Edward turns to Belinda.
'I have one more thing for you,' Edward says. 'One thing that I've put together for you a little bit earlier today.'
He gives Belinda a little green book with pictures of little green teddy bears on it called 'The tale of Edward and Belinda, a twisted Valentine's day fairy tale.'

Belinda, speechless, turns to the front page.

"Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl. Their names were Edward and Belinda and they were in love....."

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